I'm going through it with my son who is almost 23. He is working, but who knows for how long. He is on probation, but they haven't drug tested him and even if they did, nothing would probably happen. He lives with us, but we are basically waiting for him to have enough and go back to rehab and then a half way house. We would like for him to move out, but we are having a hard time kicking him out. It is a little easier for me to at least want him out, because I have a younger son at home. Also is too stressful on my husband. We have gotten Gary into rehab twice before. I think I am letting go, because I know that I have done all I can for him. It is up to him now. It does hurt me to see him so troubled. He has a very physical job, but is out of money within 2 days. He can't buy things he needs, and it is very hard for me to see that and not help, but I refuse to. I am not going to buy him work boots and new contact lenses, when I know that all of his money is going to drugs for him and his girlfriend.

Yep, drug addicted kid's suck.
It's their battle and they have to fight it.
Sooner or later your pain and fear will fade and you will get tired of addict bullcrap.
The longer you let their problems be your problems, the worse it gets for you.
Peace
Joe

Thanks, Ethel. I agree-I also cut my son off financially-did buy him food a few times but stopped giving him any cash. he doesn't live with us-in fact lived with his girlfriend for a number of years but when he did move home, I felt the way you do. It hurt to see him like that but I couldn't stand having him in the house. He was rude and smelly and his temper scared me. I also didn't trust him. It is horrible to feel that way about your own child, but there are limits. Now, though, I would sure love to know he is alive even if it meant I have to put up with having him around. I hope your son gets back into rehab. I don't know how you were able to geth im to go. It is so hard once they are adults. And hopefully he will stay with is job. Having somewhere to go every day helps. My son did construction until his injuries. I think now that probably he fell and was inured often because he was on pain pills at work. I am sending you strength.

my son is addicted to opiates. it has turned me inside out and i am emotionaly exhausted from this.he is my firstborn and i see him as an extension of me so i am suffering from his addiction. he is handsome and smart 22 yr old,i have done all i can to help him recover,but now i guess i realize it is all up to him. i am having trouble letting go i.e. detaching. that is why i joined this support group. this is my first post.drug addiction affects all loved ones and so many others. i am trying to understand why people cant stop taking drugs,i used drugs in my youth, but was able to simply stop, i was never addicted.anyway i am new here and just wanted to get started somewhere and i liked terralynn's post. ill write more on this website later. thanks for reading

My 19 year old son started with opiates in high school and became a full blown heroin addict. That is how it normally goes. He is currently incarcerated and will be there for awhile for many burglary charges. He was in and out of intensive rehab for 2 years and I was always so hopeful. Over the summer I was actually planning his funeral in my head because his addiction got so bad. Eventually he robbed so many family members and friends in our neighborhood that I worked with the police to have him arrested. Today I can say I know where he is and he's been clean since June 18, 2008.

I have also planned my son's funeral in my head. I'm glad I'm not the only one who has ever had those thoughts.

Thank you, Johnny and JK HUg, I appreciate our thoughts. I am glad to hear that a father also feels he is having trouble detaching because my husband has detached so much that it has made my son feel even worse. To those of you who have planned your son's funerals, I can't even let myself go there. Maybe because he is my only, or maybe because i still have to hold onto hope, although my emotional resources are running dry. I still have to believe there is something I can do.

OH,,,,mama......What you can do is go to a narc anon support group that will help you with those pesky emotions and enabling. Don't get offended, everyone here is an enabler. I suggest marriage counseling for you and the hubby as well so you can present a united front that won't damage your marriage. (yes addicts can destroy marriages) I am a former heroin addict. In fact, I NEVER even talk about it. I was in Ca my family was in Michigan so blessedly they didn't know that I struggled with it for two years. Heroin is a nasty beast mama and sometimes even the strongest can't over come it. I got clean because I wanted to, I knew I was treading a dangerous line. What worked that made me see that? My best friend held a large mirror to my face and asked me to look in it. She said"Look at you. You've lost 80 lbs, your skin is grey and your eyes are so hollow. I don't have to worry about your dying, because your already dead. The living dead." Ouch. Seems mean. It was effective. Know that even with the best rehab it's a long battle. I suggest talking him into rehab, then sober living program, narc anonymous, therapy the whole package. Relapse is almost guaranteed.

By the way I have been clean for 12 years. I went to rehab, 90 days, then a sober living facility for 90 days, then narc anon for one year, then therapy for one year. Every once in a while I have to go back to therapy or narc anon if my triggers are tempting me.

I have a 22 year old addicted son, so I share the despair, fear, and sorry that you feel. My son became addicted after his father and I divorced, and his dad got involved with a heroin addict, and they let my son at age 11 get high and drink. I have tried at every turn to help him - rehab, counseling, providing a place for him, but I have little contact with him because he is abusive and manipulative and full of rage. I worry about him. He is facing a year in prison, and I believe he is homeless right now, but it is not safe to have him in my house because I still have my youngest at home, and my son has threatened me and his step dad. I will always love him even as I abhor his behavior, but I have realized that I cannot save him, and that I need to protect myself and my family. And I do believe that if I enable him, he has less of a chance of changing. I have met him in a public place for safety and helped him in what I believe are non-enabling ways - paying his co-pay for therapy, meeting him for a meal. Twelve step groups have helped enormously. Letting go does not mean to stop loving someone; to me it means that I take care of myself and know that my son has his own path, and that I can't control his behavior. I WILL be there for him if and when he seeks real recovery.
I have felt tremendous shame about my son's behavior, but I have come to believe that, though I have made mistakes like all parents, I am a good and loving parent. I am sure you are too.

my son is addicted to the same. he has cirrhosis of the liver. he continues to use, even after treatment. i have no overcome testimony to give you and i wish i did. what i can give you is compassion and to let you know you are not alone. i have had a hard time letting go, too. he has overdosed 2 times, recently. i was there to get him help. he lived, but they spent over an hour to revive him. it is coming to a point, that all is left for me to do, is let go. he lives with me. he is gone now, still using. he called and ask me to give him a ride to pick up someone. i said no. i am going to bed and putting my phone off of the hook. i need rest and sleep or i will be no good for anything. let go and let God, i will do. i have worked so hard wilth my own efforts, to no avail. yes, he is still alive and i am grateful. but,he is still using more and more, and i feel like i have lost him anyway. so heartbreaking. much love and light to you.

Terralynn...

As a long term participant in Al-Anon I can tell you is that I have a 26 year old son going through the same addiction as your son. He has gotten worse and worse since he was 16 starting with pot in high school. All the love, religion, family support, pastors, support groups, opportunities, treatment programs, jobs, friends, jail, lawyers, doctors and counsellors has not helped him stop for long. He is very shame based and wants to stop but now needs to get fed up enough to want to change. I tell him that even one day clean is such a blessing.

But here is the hard part my dear:

YES, YOU DO HAVE TO LET GO.

As long as you are a soft place to fall he will never truly believe he can do this for himself. He will never have the satisfaction of knowing that he's wanting to change because it was his choice not yours or anyone else's. He will always feel coerced. You are not doing him any favors by being the mother hen, trust me...I know that role very well. By doing that the message you are giving him is "that you are never going to be able to fix this without me because I am the mother and you are the baby". Once he has you on board each time it tells him that "it must be ok, because they still love me, therefore, I don't have to change my behavior since they haven't changed their behavior" (no matter how dysfunctional you both may be acting at the time).

You can love the addict and tell them that you do and that is why you are going to remove yourself, physically and verbally. It may get worse but every relapse brings one closer to recovery. Trying to protect one from relapse or OD'ing or jail or hospital is just going to put you in the hospital on way or another. Besides, it's out of your control anyway.

So, if we are not helping the situation by trying to be a policeman and counsellor and private eye and all those things that keep them from growing and learning about falling down then what is the alternative? LET GO AND GIVE HIM THE SPACE HE NEEDS TO FALL AND LEARN WHAT HE IS DOING TO HIMSELF...that way there is no way to blame externally but rather to self reflect internally. Every human being deserves to learn from their mistakes...this is how we treat others with dignity. It is their right.

Big hug to you dear and my prayers will be for you and your son.

I know exactly what you are going through - have been there myself with my only child, a son who is now 23,he was addicted to heroin. He began by snorting it, and when that didn't work, he began to shoot it. Last summer, I didn't know what to do, nor did his girlfriend, my son wanted help, but nothing was working, until someone told him about suboxone - he has been on it for almost a year now, and I have to say what a change - I know that people abuse it, but his doctor is very strict with him, and he takes the amount prescribed. I know that alot of people the addict is exchanging one DOC for another, but he is once again a productive person, working, doing constructive things with his life, and knows that he can't and doesn't want to be on suboxone for the rest of his life, and the doctor will within the next year to year and a half start to wean him off of suboxone. I guess what I am trying to say is that I would rather have him on the suboxone and know that he is safe, than back to heroin, and worrying everytime the phone rings that he has just overdosed and died. He did overdose once, and didn't die because the guy that was with him got help.
My heart goes out to you and even though it is extremely difficult to do, you have to let go and let god, and do the tough love thing - also get support for yourself - alanon, etc., it helps!!!!!:)

I want to update you caring supportive friends on the situation with my son. After he called last week saying he wanted help and is ready to get clean, I picked him up and took him to a hospital ER 3 hours away that I was told had a good rehab program. Unfortunately, they would not take him because he is on morphine and they said he needs to do outpatient Suboxone and test clean before he can get into rehab. I think this is crazy since once he is clean, I won't be able ot get him to go to rehab. So, I could not take him home with me to do outpatient. I put him on a plane cross country to his dad who said he could live with him while he detoxes. The understanding was that he would detox and then go into a long term rehab. His dad found a program that would take him as an inpatient but does not use Suboxone or any opiates i their detox. So, he agreed to go and after the whole intake process chickened out and left. He said he felt tricked and only agreed to go because he was going to do outpatient Suboxone. He swore he would go through horrible withdrawal if they only gave him Ativan or Vallium. What I don't understand is that he had already been withdrawing for 5 days-he only had the Ativan the hospital had prescribed. (although he did abuse that and took it much faster than prescribed.) His dad found a doctor who prescribed outpatient Suboxone. I have a horrible feeling he is not ready to get clean if he insisted on Suboxone as an outpatient. I am afraid he is going to take it way faster than prescribed and go right back. Can you get high on Suboxone?

Terralynn,

Yes you can get high from Suboxone, if you take more than the prescribed amount. How careful is this doctor going to monitor him. The only md's that I know of that can prescribe suboxone are psychatrists, and if they are good, they really monitor the use. I went through the same thing with my son when he wanted to get off the heroin, I had to get him into our family md,and he put him on vicodone until I could get him into a psy. Of course the vicodone (sp?) were gone within a day or two, which stands to reason, being the vico were not nearly as strong as the heroin, and he was dope sick, so, they are going to take as many as possible to get rid of the dope sick feeling. Just have your husband try to monitor how many he takes, and if he thinks or sees that's he abusing them, have him contact the doctor and go from there - I know none of this is easy, and only time will tell if he is truly ready to be clean and sober. My thoughts and prayers are with you - remember, one day at a time, let go and let god.

xxxReneexxxxx