Good for you! you are taking positive steps in helping your son. I always had such a hard time with drawing the line between helping and enabling. When my son was using we made a pack, no money, only food and shelter, but then only shelter if he was not using. It is important to get your life back and do something that makes you feel great, I love paying it forward so today I try to share as much as I can with others who are going through this, as well as getting back to the things I love the most, entertaining, cooking, my career, traveling.
I hope Sunday turns out well for you and your family. good luck.

thx dmatt124. How is your son doing? Is there a light at the end of this dark tunnel? Is this just the beginning of a lifetime of turmoil for us? This has already been going on for a couple of years. Everytime I feel like I can breathe and things are leveling off, something new happens. First it was a trip to the ER for an overdose, then it was having to pick him up from school for being "under the influence", then it was things (money, jewelry, medicine) missing from my house as well as other relatives. Finally, it was two arrests....all related to marijuana and prescription drug use/abuse. Now, I learn that he is selling. What does it take for him to learn? Where does it end?

That is the million $ question. Because the line between helping and enabling is so very very fine. I still struggle with that but I had taken my son's car off our insurance policy back in the early summer hey i figured if he has money to waste on drugs he can put his car on the road and pay for his own insurance in his own name. I also don't ever give him money but he does have his own he works fulltime 19 yrs old and graduated in 2011 but I used to let him have my gas allowance for the week if I didn't need it (my husband's company gives us a 100 week gas allowance) sometimes I didnt need it and would let Matt get a tank of gas but I stopped that too because again i am not enabling him to have any money extra to waste on drugs. Basically I would have loved to continue to do these things to help him out but because of his addiction I have to see things differently great advice I have been told many times by many different people is Don't do ANYTHING for the addict that they can do for themjselves. It's sad cause we want to help our kids but with an addict it has to be that way. I used to pay for his cellphone too again no because I will not pay for a phone that he will use to call contacts for drugs so yes he lives at home and meals here are free but I stopped doing any extras and he has become more responsible. He is not perfect BUT he has come along way in a years time. My son last January was hospitalized 4 times for drug related medical issues. IT WAS HELL ! Again in May he slipped up and nearly died O/D the summer was bad with him taking turns between drinking and drugging but I got tougher and tougher and he has been doing much better. I know that can change at anytime I pray it doesn't but I am more realistic now. I refuse to allow drugs in my home ( I have 2 younger kids) and i toldhim he will be out of here if he EVER brings drugs in my house again and I do mean it this time and I think he knows it .that doesn't mean he hasn't screwed up he did in Dec he got drugged up at his friends house after doing well for over 90 days but he admitted it I handled it better than the last times I used to ground him and not let him out after a binge but you know what it did no good he is 19 i can't ground a 19 yr old forever so I told him he shapes up or ships out I know it is hard for him and he is not happy with himself when he messes up but this time it was different he didn't continue to keep using and he stayed in his rehab program I don't know if he was honest with them about it but I figure every time he goes there it is a chance that he may hear something new that makes it click for him and that is all we can really do hope and pray. I guess the answer is there is no specific timeline but things have to move forward . I wish you luck with your plans on Sunday and hope he sees that he is loved and agrees to get help. Stay Strong we are here for you Dee

If your son is abusing prescription drugs and is at the point of stealing, pawning and selling, then he probably needs more than counseling. I would probably start out with a required AODA assessment. From there, he should follow their recommendations about intensive outpatient or in patient therapy.

If he is abusing opiates (OxyContin, hydrocodone, Percocets, Valium, etc.) it is very likely that he won't be able to quit on his own. He may need Suboxone, methadone or Vivitrol.

If you simply cut off the money supply and still give him food and shelter, then it's unlikely to change anything. He has the ability to sell drugs and steal to get money. You may need to require more of him, such as setting a date for him to move out. If he has to pay his own rent or buy his own food, he'll need to get a job, I know it would be tough, but if you simply cut off the money and he continues to use, you are risking overdose or jail, with a permanent criminal record.

I was in your shoes 3 1/2 years ago and was not tough enough in my consequences or smart enough about the best treatments for opiate addiction. My son was 17 and addicted to prescription opiates and marijuana. He is now 20 and has moved on to heroin. He also is now an alcoholic. Finally we are getting a referral to a clinic that specializes in opiate addiction and he will start on methadone soon.

I wish I knew back then what I know now, but it really takes a long time to understand addiction, treatments, and what we need to do as parents. It's a journey. You have definitely come to the right site. The people here offer great advice. I also recommend reading Beautiful Boy and Codependent No More.

Having an intervention is a good thing as long as you all get togethr in advance and plan it out. Most important dont make threats of boundries that you wont keep As for starting a group on your own I say awsome. Put an add in the paper and wait for a responce. Me and a couple of people did it and our group has been going on for almost 7 years. Giving back helps our own rcovery

I agree with philbaby, if you tell him he is cut off financially and he must seek counseling he will not know how to get help. Instead talk with a rehab and see when he could get in, another words have the arrangements made already. At 19 kids haven't a clue as to much of anything, and they are still very immature despite what a they may think.

So before this latest incident with my 19 yr old son we had talked about him taking a cabinet making class. He is very good with this kind of stuff and I would like to see him pursue this. He has asked several times to take the class. It meets for 3 hours twice a week. I think it would be a good use of his time. Am I enabling him if I pay for him to take the class? I always told him I would support him in education. I know he won't, atleast for now, pursue a Batchelors Degree but I feel this will be something good for him, something to occupy his time & his mind. It's a start! Is this helping or enabling?

Totally N O T enabling it is a positive course that can help him in the future I say go for it !

It always good and reaching out to others that are going through similar situations,,,,
Has for you paying for school,,, in situation like this positive things are great,,, for classes,,, my kids pay for it themselves,, and reimburse them if they 100% if they finish the course, and pass it,,, it gives them a sense of responsibility,, allows them to be held accountable for their decisions,, and they get the reward after they followed through,,, it seems to work here,, they think twice before giving up,, and makes them want to succeed,,, I don't know about all of you ,, but things were not handed to me,,, I have to work for the things I want,,,


Enabling is spoon feeding them,,, helping is giving them a spoon,, and alluowing them to feed themselves

You are not enabling him, although depending how bad his addiction is will he be able to keep his mind on cabinet making or will his mind be wondering off. I paid for numerous things and ideas ah wanted to do, but because of his addiction he could not stay on track. He would be all excited and be prepared thinking of every little thing he would need to do. Once he started the rush was over and he would use drugs again. Depending on his drug of choice and how long he has been using you may be wasting your money and it could of been put to better use in a rehab. I think you may be putting the cart before the horse.

Of course everyone is different but last jan when my son was going through extreme problems from his discontinuing drug use he had very bad withdrawals with seizures hallucinations etc he ended up in the psych unit for a bit and he had already been enrolled to start a course for HVAC and refrigeration in February. I thought there is no way he can do this and i was trying to figure out how we could get our money back ( it was a few thousand ) but he felt he could do it and so he went and he did great and got his certification and his state license etc... So in our case I think it helped him to have something to keep his mind busy but again that was just our experience Good Luck. Dee

enabling- doing something for someone that they can do for themselves.

failing forward to success

he gets caught? big time jail time. That won't stop him either..my kid went right back to using when he got out..not right back, but he fell back into it. Finally, when HE had enough, he got the help he needed. And don't waste money on a lawer, let him get a public defender...I spent way too much on that.

I kept a roof over his head. I kept the power on and I saved his record collection when he was being thrown out of his place (not from not paying but because he kept all his garbage IN the house)...

volunteer. I do the SPCA...less people.

lock up everything valuable, and tell him you will come see him behind bars, and put maybe 10 bucks a month in commessary. When he wants help Then get him in someplace and lavish him with praise.

Pray. and take care of yourself and your family. He is an adult now, so there isn't anything you can do unless he wants help. Meanwhile. loving him the wrong way just makes them sicker faster. and us too. I will say a prayer for you.

I'm curious how the intervention went. I remember when we had an intervention for our son. There were a lot of tears and promises that were not, could not be kept by my son. At that point he still thought he could beat the drug addiction on his own if he could just have a place to stay. He had been homeless for about a month when we kicked him out after finding drug paraphernalia in his room. Long story short after much turmoil, an overdose finally scared him enough to ask for help. He got into an excellent live in christian recovery program for men. He is apprx. 425 days clean and sober and is now working for the program.
My advice is to look at all your options for him. But first you need to know exactly what your dealing with - what drugs he's been using, alcohol etc. that will help you determine what the next best step is. My son wouldn't tell us but he did tell the social worker at the county hospital which got him into a detox unit.
This site has helped me so much, it's allowed me to open up about my sons addiction and in doing so hopefully help someone else who is in the throws of a loved ones addiction.

Intervention did not happen yesterday. Two family members were sick and one was not able to come from out of town on such short notice. Everyone is offering support when I need it and we all agree that my son isn't going to change until he wants to. He is going to yet another counselor today. He has been to counseling before and as soon as he seems to get better he stops going. We talked briefly last night about what we hoped he would get out of the counseling. The weekend was uneventful and he was at home with me for the most part. Small steps I guess. I'm afraid to get my hopes up because he always lets me down. Each time we both fall a little further it seems. What a rollercoaster!

I think you idea is great, cause I would probably be one of those within your group.