Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
Hi there,
I'd love your input and experience about this one:
Brother received a visit from the social services regarding the baby. The social worker found the house unsuitable and told the mother that if she doesn't clean up the baby is going to be taken away from her.
The social worker will be coming back in three months.
Now, that's what my brother said, so I know there are half truths in there, but I guess he wouldn' lie about a negative thing [unsuitable environment].
My father gave him [one more] ultimatum about him going to rehab.
He also seems ready to go to the Social Services himself and inform them about my brother's situation. Most likely, they are not going to do anything about it, as in Greece, the system is 100% pro mother, unless there is proven physical harm on the baby and in some cases, that's not even enough as the system is overloaded with work and doesn't function properly.
Neither his g/f nor he are working or capable of working. They have been living on my father's money which my brother stole under our nose.
IF we get the social services to take the baby away, that would probably make things easier for my brother to go to rehab. [maybe not, I know....]
IF he does go to rehab [outpatient], he'll be needing money to live on.
Although, I find it highly unlikely that we succeed in getting the baby in a sheltered enviornment and my brother goes to rehab, we need to be prepared for the next step.
So, here's the dilemma:
Shoudl my parents let him stay at the family house, providing food and shelter? Would that be considered enabling?
If he doesn't want to come back home, should we pay for rent and food for he and his g/f, so as to give him a break?
ONE VERY IMPORTANT THING:
Please, do not pass ethical judgements on me.
To clarify things, I do not consider that child my niece in my heart, for reasons that would take me pages to explain.
I do want what's best for that baby and I know that neither I, am suited to take care of her, nor my parents. I strongly believe she should be given for adoption, considering her mother's addiction, lack of resources and abusive family background. Also, my brother will need A LOT of time to get on his OWN feet and be able to provide for a child.
So, going back to the dilemma, please, I need insight from people who have been through a similar situation. If he goes to rehabs should we provide food and shelter or should we let him figure it out himself?
I'm very confused here, can't see clearly...
Thank you in advance!
I'd love your input and experience about this one:
Brother received a visit from the social services regarding the baby. The social worker found the house unsuitable and told the mother that if she doesn't clean up the baby is going to be taken away from her.
The social worker will be coming back in three months.
Now, that's what my brother said, so I know there are half truths in there, but I guess he wouldn' lie about a negative thing [unsuitable environment].
My father gave him [one more] ultimatum about him going to rehab.
He also seems ready to go to the Social Services himself and inform them about my brother's situation. Most likely, they are not going to do anything about it, as in Greece, the system is 100% pro mother, unless there is proven physical harm on the baby and in some cases, that's not even enough as the system is overloaded with work and doesn't function properly.
Neither his g/f nor he are working or capable of working. They have been living on my father's money which my brother stole under our nose.
IF we get the social services to take the baby away, that would probably make things easier for my brother to go to rehab. [maybe not, I know....]
IF he does go to rehab [outpatient], he'll be needing money to live on.
Although, I find it highly unlikely that we succeed in getting the baby in a sheltered enviornment and my brother goes to rehab, we need to be prepared for the next step.
So, here's the dilemma:
Shoudl my parents let him stay at the family house, providing food and shelter? Would that be considered enabling?
If he doesn't want to come back home, should we pay for rent and food for he and his g/f, so as to give him a break?
ONE VERY IMPORTANT THING:
Please, do not pass ethical judgements on me.
To clarify things, I do not consider that child my niece in my heart, for reasons that would take me pages to explain.
I do want what's best for that baby and I know that neither I, am suited to take care of her, nor my parents. I strongly believe she should be given for adoption, considering her mother's addiction, lack of resources and abusive family background. Also, my brother will need A LOT of time to get on his OWN feet and be able to provide for a child.
So, going back to the dilemma, please, I need insight from people who have been through a similar situation. If he goes to rehabs should we provide food and shelter or should we let him figure it out himself?
I'm very confused here, can't see clearly...
Thank you in advance!
Parents met with the social worker. Just to get her on the phone was a struggle. Civil servants...
Making a long story short, she knows now that my brother is an addict. She was suprised. ????!!!!! This woman is supposed to know the signs of addiction. That's part of her job.
Case is going to the D.A. again.
In the mean time, brother is calling like 20 times a day. He doesn't ask for anything else but money. Then he rumbles.
My parents are heartbroken and extremely stressed. Mother seems to be holding on better.
Sad: dad gave him money a week ago. Now, he's saying he's going to meet with him, buy stuff for him and give him some more money.
My parents are fighting with each other over enabling.
I keep telling them that we NEED to be one, one strong fist, 3 bodies and ONE spirit.
I can see where my father is coming from. He is afraid his son will steal, push and end up in prison. He wants to protect him. Fighting this instict is like fighting with himself.
Anyway, we'll wait and see what the DA has to say this time.
This is what I am going to have my parents figure out this week:
Mom, dad, fill in the blanks please.
To my son*, who lies to me, steals from me & blames me. I'm sorry, Son. I should have never allowed you to ___________. I facilitated your downward spiral by ________. I permit you to stay in your disease because ___________. I make it possible for you to _______.
* you can put daughter, brother, husband, wife, friend etc
It's kind of soul cleansing.
I think you need to focus on your own feelings and choices and journey, and let your parents make their own choices too. You can't save them from the pain any more than you can make your brother get clean. Your parents are like mine, terribly codependent. There is a risk that by focussing on their poor choices (such as giving money) things will just get harder for you. It's extremely difficult to "detach with love" from parents in this kind of situation, I know what it's like, but it really is the only way you are going to get through. Let them make their own mistakes like your brother has to make his.
As for the social worker there are alot of people who can be easily fooled by the addict, the addict manipulated so well. Its like here in the states with Charlie Sheen, media is playing into his game. He is saying I am clean...blah..blah..blah and they keep giving him all this air time. But alot of people don't know there is stuff you can take to mask and or clean your system out so you apppear clean when in actuallity you are still using drugs.
Unless your parents quit playing into your brothers game you are wasting your breath. You may have to take a step back and when your parents call just tell them sorry but you refuse to play into your brothers game of manipulation and don't want to talk about it. It sounds like they need to hit their bottom also, they have to realize their son will take everything if they give it to him.