No, you are not out of line in your thinking. Does she drive after drinking? If so, are the kids in the car?

The general guideline for alcohol abuse is more than seven drinks per week for women. She's well beyond that. When my son was in rehab years ago, there was an excellent family program. Your story reminds me of two things I learned.

First, you mention that she never knew when to stop. The program taught us that people who abuse alcohol or drugs "don't have brakes on their cars". They don't know when to stop. You would not drive a car without brakes, and people with this problem should not drink at all.

The second memory is the analogy of drug and alcohol abuse to courtship and marriage. It's not a bright line of alcoholic vs. non-alcoholic, so don't get so focused on that term. It will only make them defensive. Alcohol abuse is a process. You start with a little flirting, then dating, and eventually you are married to the alcohol or drug. She sounds like she's married to the alcohol. One key point is that she may be physically addicted to the alcohol. So, it would be dangerous for her to stop cold-turkey without medical supervision. Is she able to go for a period of time without a drink? Or does she need it daily?

The other issue is that alcohol abuse can seriously damage her health. It's all fun and games until it's not. My 30 year old son had to quit drinking because of liver damage. My friend's alcoholic husband died of esophogael cancer, which is just one of the cancers caused by alcohol abuse. Perhaps she could get advice from a neutral third-party, such as her doctor.

Regarding the ability to hold down a job, my nephew had a great job as a high-level manager for a major car company. As his alcoholism progressed, he lost that job and could not even last more than a few days at Home Depot as a cashier. His wife left him and he is now homeless and has a severe form of dementia caused by alcohol abuse. His doctors tell him he has to quit drinking or he will die. Yet, he continues to drink.

One more observation. She says that it's just her silly personality. Is she not able to be silly unless she has alcohol? Then it's not really her personality. It's that she needs to get drunk to release her inhibitions.

You may not have success in arguing with her. She needs to come to this realization on her own. Focus on getting support for yourself and also watch how this is affecting your children.

Thank you so much for sharing what you know and your experiences. I’ve know. Her to drive after drinking but never with our kids in any vehicles. Which still doesn’t excuse anything, I do fear she will get herself in trouble eventually. I’ve tried to bring up the drinking with her and yes she gets very defensive. I appreciate you mentioning it’s not a bright line because yes I have a hard time even seeing it. I know there is a a drastic difference between being non functioning and then just liking to drink a lot and I think she falls on the latter of those two. It’s hard to rationalize with her at all, she vocalizes the fact that she deserves to be happy and if I don’t like something that she shouldn’t have to change because all that matters is her happiness.

The family program you made mention of sounds interesting. Do you know of any resources I might be able to read. Or even if you know more I’m all ears. I’m struggling bad to keep my family intact because of her unhappiness with me saying im lame, no fun and a judgmental F. Example today 12 noon we had lunch together and she ordered a mojito.l but I can’t say anything or I yelled at for saying I just don’t like who she is. Ah, sorry I’m just struggling.

About 15 years ago, my teenage son became addicted to opiates, benzos, and alcohol and also used every other drug he could get his hands on. Our lives were a living hell, especially during the time period when I did everything I could to try to stop him from using. Then I realized there actually was nothing I could do and I had to focus on saving myself, which is something I can control. It really goes back to the Serenity Prayer (God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.) Meanwhile, he had to learn on his own to get better, with me always letting him know that I was there to help in any way I could when he was ready. I think it was just dumb luck that he survived long enough to get there. Another saying at the family program was that addicts will either end up cleaned up, locked up, or covered up. Years later, we now see that at least three of his old friends have died and a couple more are in prison.

I went to a few Al-Anon meetings, which are the AA version for families. Some swear by Al-Anon and I found them helpful, but difficult for me to fit into my schedule. Finding a local Al-Anon meeting would be a good place to start.

I also went to see a therapist for a few months during this time period, and it helped to talk it out. It's the same concept as the Al-Anon meetings, but one-on-one. Then I found this site and found it easier to talk to others online. Individual and/or marriage counseling could really help.

I also tend to be a reader and three books stand out as being very helpful.

The first is Codependent No More by Melody Beatty. That really helped me to see my relationship dynamics with my son and how I was enabling his addiction.

The second is Boundaries. That helped me to set boundaries and enforce them. rather than continually accepting bad behavior and making empty threats.

The third book is Don't Let Your Kids Kill You. I read that three times. It's about a father who had two sons who were both opiate addicts. Although it's about a father-son relationship, I think lots of the lessons would apply to spouses. In his case, he had to let his sons go in order to save himself. Although I never had to go to that point, I still learned a lot from him.

There are also two good movies about addiction, both about parents and children, but still applicable. These are Beautiful Boy and Ben is Back.

I'd recommend focusing on any of these and not even bringing up the topic of her drinking for a while unless there's a reason you need to say something, such as her driving drunk. She will see you making changes because of her alcohol use, and that may cause her to bring up the subject herself. She may feel threatened by this. Don't let that escalate into a fight about her drinking. Simply explain that you are finding ways to help yourself to be happy.

A functional alcoholic is still an alcoholic!

Alcoholics like to blame their drinking on everyone else but themselves. My ex husband was a functional alcoholic, too. He had a PhD in chemistry and taught at a university so he was well respected. But he was a different guy at home. He'd stay out after work. Would stay up drinking, and even drank in the shower. I'd find beer cans in the shower all the time. He loved to tell me what a horrible wife I was and, just like your wife, tell me Im no fun. Sorry but self destructing behavior doesn't sound like fun! He would tell me how being married to me was horrible and said that's why he drinks. After 10 yrs of that abuse, I finally had enough and divorced him. He hates my guts for it and told everyone I "abondoned" him. Told me over and over God will never forgive me for leaving.. Why be married to someone who treats me with such distain? I had to get away from that toxic life. You are not wrong in your thinking. She needs help! I tried to get my ex help for years...but he didn't want it. Denied having a drinking problem and told me I was crazy. Do you have a counselor? What do they recommend? If you don't have a therapist, at least start there. Then get the whole family counseling.

Hi. You are not out of line. What is going on now? Last post was about 8 months ago. Try the best you can to detach emotionally at the least.