Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
My boyfriend was an alcoholic and cocaine addict. He was still drinking when I first met him, and, very early on, I realized he was an alcoholic, and told him so. I said he had to stop, or I would leave. He realized I meant that, and stopped - although, he has, of course, he has had his slip-ups.
He has been very honest about his slip ups with his drinking. Last summer, when I was out of town, he had a couple drinks, and told me. He had a crazy justification for it, and I called him on it, and he listened, and admitted I was right. He never yelled, or lashed out, or blamed it on me or anything like that. He just listened, considered what I said, and then agreed with me.
He did not have another drink until this Christmas. Again, he told me about it. If he had not told me, I never would have known. He could have easily hidden it, and he didn't. Again, he handled it very well when I called him on it.
I obviously used to worry a lot about his drinking, but, as time goes on, I worry less. But I do still worry about the cocaine. I don't think he had done any for a while before he met me - by the time we met, he hadn't done any in a year or so, I think.
But I still worry. I know that addicts can be very sneaky, and very deceptive, and can stand there and lie to you while looking sweet and innocent.
I have had many times where I worried like crazy, and a few points where I almost left him, because I did not want to live like that.
Last night, when I talked to him, he seemed so hyper on the phone. Now I keep worrying that he was into something, because he is not normally a hyper person at all. He is very calm, soft-spoken.
The plot thickens: he had just been at the bar (for some work he was doing). I pointed out that he was a bit hyper, and he said he thought it was the coffee - he drinks coffee in bars, to avoid drinking alcohol. But this is a bar where he used to hang out a lot, in his crazy days, and it strikes me as a place where he could easily run into a buddy from the good old days, and get temped by cocaine. And he has admitted to me, in the past, that he's been around it, and been tempted.
What I'm wondering is: am I being paranoid?? Or do I have reason to worry?
Sometimes, I can't figure out where the line is....I want to be aware, so that I notice if he starts using again, but I don't want to be constantly paranoid.
The reason I mentioned how honest he had been about the drinking is that I'm trying to show you that he has a good track record with this, that he has been very honest in the past.
He has been very honest about his slip ups with his drinking. Last summer, when I was out of town, he had a couple drinks, and told me. He had a crazy justification for it, and I called him on it, and he listened, and admitted I was right. He never yelled, or lashed out, or blamed it on me or anything like that. He just listened, considered what I said, and then agreed with me.
He did not have another drink until this Christmas. Again, he told me about it. If he had not told me, I never would have known. He could have easily hidden it, and he didn't. Again, he handled it very well when I called him on it.
I obviously used to worry a lot about his drinking, but, as time goes on, I worry less. But I do still worry about the cocaine. I don't think he had done any for a while before he met me - by the time we met, he hadn't done any in a year or so, I think.
But I still worry. I know that addicts can be very sneaky, and very deceptive, and can stand there and lie to you while looking sweet and innocent.
I have had many times where I worried like crazy, and a few points where I almost left him, because I did not want to live like that.
Last night, when I talked to him, he seemed so hyper on the phone. Now I keep worrying that he was into something, because he is not normally a hyper person at all. He is very calm, soft-spoken.
The plot thickens: he had just been at the bar (for some work he was doing). I pointed out that he was a bit hyper, and he said he thought it was the coffee - he drinks coffee in bars, to avoid drinking alcohol. But this is a bar where he used to hang out a lot, in his crazy days, and it strikes me as a place where he could easily run into a buddy from the good old days, and get temped by cocaine. And he has admitted to me, in the past, that he's been around it, and been tempted.
What I'm wondering is: am I being paranoid?? Or do I have reason to worry?
Sometimes, I can't figure out where the line is....I want to be aware, so that I notice if he starts using again, but I don't want to be constantly paranoid.
The reason I mentioned how honest he had been about the drinking is that I'm trying to show you that he has a good track record with this, that he has been very honest in the past.
If he is back to using, the symptoms will eventually appear.
The bottom line is that since he's been honest in the past, get him to talk to you. But, in my opinion, you have to do a very hard thing first: detach as much as you can. This way, you won't show that you're scared. Fear is a very bad advisor.
Detaching is easier said than done, we've all been there.
One step at a time..
I always thought like Pen125 stated If he's back to using, its only a matter of time before you know. They will fall fast and nothing we say or do will stop them.
So what can you do, a addictions counselor once told me to not do for the addict what he should be doing for himself. Your BF is clean and has had some considerably time not using. it is common for them to have slips and his slips are far apart which is good. But it seems he is able to stop drinking and get back on track. So you need to let him handle his addiction and you learn how to let go and not be codependent. I would always say I'll worry about that later, because if he is using there isn't anything you could do about it at that moment.
For me having a plan should AH relapse made me feel stronger. AH did relapse and now he is ex AH. I miss him, I love him but I do not want to ever live with a active addict again. Actually I do not want to be involved with a addict, recovering or not.
Yes, detaching does seem like a very good idea. I think it would cause me to be able to see the situation more clearly - and, if I can see it more clearly, I can make better decisions.
Talking to him (since he's been honest in the past) is also a good idea. There is one thing I forgot to mention, before, though: I once told him that if I ever did cocaine again, I would leave him. Now, I wish I had not said that - all I did was supply him with the perfect reason to never tell me.
It sounds like a harsh thing to have said, but I meant it. Maybe I should be more understanding of slip-ups, but, in the case of cocaine, I'm just not. It's a hard drug, it's not something I want to be around, period, end of story. I don't know why I can't accept slip-ups with that, and yet I accepted slip-ups with the drinking - but, I guess, we're not always rational creatures.
You both mentioned that the signs would come back, so I'd know. I guess, the thing is, my biggest fear is that I won't know.
He is a really intelligent person, and I often think that he could hide it, if he wanted. We don't live together, so it's not like I'd be around him enough to notice all his ordinary habits changing. I realize there are signs, but I think he could easily hide them/make plausible excuses for them.
What is an AH? I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with the term. As for your decision not to be with an addict, I can totally understand that. I'm not sure it's something I'll decide to have in my life, either.
We've all said things we think we shouldn't have told to our loved one. Hey, don't get caught up in wondering and pondering too much about what you've said or didn't say. You'll only magnify your fears.
You're right about one thing: addicts do hide their addiction pretty well. But sooner or later the symptoms catch up.
Detaching is an inner experience. Try focusing on yourself for the time being. I think it's the best thing you can do.
Take care!
Sometimes, it helps to have someone outside of the situation offer advice.
He said, Support a recovering person, but do not moniter them.
And Katrinka, is this the same book you were reading? Can you give me a list of at least some of the books you have read on addiction lately? I'm very interested. I'm a big reader anyway and would like to learn more. It's been years since I've read anything on addiction.
No, he's not working a program. In the beginning, he asked me if he thought he should, and I said I thought it was a good idea. But he didn't, and I didn't push it, because he is making so much progress on his own, and because I guess, in the end, it has to be his decesion.
Thank you for the advice about not worrying about something I can't control. That is true, and good to hear. And, yes, here I have been worrying that I won't be able to tell if he is using, but, perhaps I'm wrong about that, and it would become obvious eventually. I mean, yes, he is very intelligent, so I keep thinking he could hide it, but I'm a smart cookies, too, and very observant.
Yes, there is no valid excuse for a slip. I think that the reason I coiuld accept his slips is that, with drinking, there were very few. Had it been a constant thing, I would have chosen not to live with it.
We have been together for a year, so not very long. But, the thing is, I've actually known him a long time - like 10 years, at least, maybe more like 12. But, for those 10 or 12 years, I didn't know him well - I just knew him from around the community. He was once room-mates with someone I knew, and hung around the same area, so I knew him from around.
also, something i noticed in other people back in the 80's when it seemed like everyone (including my eye doctor and his wife, and my boss) was doing coke, i often saw the white powder rimming their nostrils. plus, they sniffled a lot - they'd claim they're fighting a cold or have hay fever (but their eyes weren't red like someone with allergies has). also, my eye doctor and his wife (who worked for him) actually yelled at me for losing a contact lens bottle that a lens came in - no one had ever given me the glass bottle before (nor since), and they hadn't said to keep it. i'd thrown it away when i got home, then discovered the lens wasn't the right prescription, so wanted to return it. without the bottle, it couldn't be returned, so someone had to eat the wholesale cost. but their rage at me, and the cruel things they said, was bizarre and unprofessional. i'd gone to them for years, but towards the end, their constant sniffling and out-of-character rage were clues to me they were doing coke.
i DO understand that it's important that you not spend your life with your boyfriend constantly monitoring him. there's no use making yourself sick with worry if nothing has happened. but IF he starts showing more and more signs - these are some of the main things that will draw your attention.
oh, and, just wanted to point out - i'm still with hubby 25 yrs later - he DID overcome his addiction to cocaine. :)
Older addicts after age 40 have alot harder time changing if almost impossible. Don't know the age of this BF but hopefully he will outgrow his using also.
Lynnedz56 I read two really good books the first one was The Chemical Carousel; What science tell us. This book covered the early beginnings of the different types of drugs going back to the 1800's where opium was a problem. Also taked about where drugs came from and how they stimulated the brain. It also wrote about all the studies, and there have been alot on how the brain is effected by drugs. How it has been proven addiction is genetic then goes on to tell about the different drugs they have to control the cravings as for some addicts for 10%, quitting isn't as simple as just saying no. The have a chemical imbalance and they won't just quit on their own without some help. Its a good book especially if you want to know the science behind drugs and how all of this effects the human brain.
The second book is Why don't they just quit? by Joe herzanek. He was a addict, did get clean and has been clean for 25 yrs. He has counselled addicts for several years. His approach talked about how the drugs effect the brain, how some people out grown drug use and for them they were not addicts it was a recreational drug use. In his book he does talk alot about how to help the addict, you don't have to just write them off instead there are ways to help them. He also says sometimes you have to step back. At the end of each chapter he gives a list of key points to remember. Its a good easy reading book, written so the average person can understand it. He also is in AA but says AA/NA is not for everyone. Each person has to find the way to stay clean that works for them. Both books are fairly new.
i'm not advising not going to a program or into therapy, btw - i think he especially would benefit a lot from it, and i wish he'd get help with his nightly alcoholism now - but he doesn't see it as a problem. :/