Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
Today in group,, I ran the forum,,, part of our recovery is putting things into perspective,, and perhaps allowing me to write a book one day,,,,
When first starting this journey,(or nightmare) everything becomes so jumble and almost like a tornado of thoughts and reasons,,,, Today after 3 years of this, I can almost put my thoughts into perspective, without having a melt down, which is a major break through,,, I was unable to look back without that sinking feeling of despaire.
I handed out a piece of paper, with the first line written,,,,,, and asked the group to write down how they felt, or what they recall,, it gave us all a sense of relief, knowing that whatever we did for our addicits, we gave it our all,,and allowed us to release,,, so many newbies just starting out, that they feel that sense of being in a tunnel of no where,,,,,
I remember the moment my addicit, was a true deffintion of an addicit,,, I realized the difference between being naieve, and being in denial,,,,,
my addicit, my daughter was one that everything in order, she strived to always look good, kept a beautiful home, had a great job, and her daughter was always her top priority, she dressed ava to the tee,,, she always looked good,,,, everything always in order,,,, has I look back I realize that was all a cover up, behind that perfect senerio was a person in serious trouble,,, took awhile for me to see that,, perhaps I was alright with her so called perfect life,,, she was handling it,,, surly made life for me much easier, knowing that there was one less persons I had to look after,,,,, later I understand that's where the denial comes in,,,,, and when life for her started unwinding, she was loosing control,,, I was taking up that control, and made it easier for her to continue with her "let me feel good drug" still unwear of exactly the name of that drug,,,,,but perhaps calling it being naieve on my part,,, that she is still young trying to regain her youth,,,, so being the mom,,, trying to make life easier,,, I took over,,, I'm sure my reason at the time was for ava, ( not knowing I was giving into her addicition), life seriously was becoming totally out of control,, yet I kept fixing things,, making every step for Kate easier to continue her "need" to get high, she moved in and out of our house so many times,, cant even count,,, the endless rehaps,, because the next one was going to cure her,,, the endless Mondays I spendt visiting her in jail,,,,, bitter sweet, knowing where she was and glad,,, yet such empthay I had for her,, sadness that how drugs can destroy the dreams she once had,,, when she findally after six month got out,,,, giving her every opportunity to be clean,,, I must admit I padded her adventure back out into the real world,,,,, yea,, not such a good choice,,,,, she reconnected with her so called friends,,, yep not so sure how many are still alive,,,,, I finally hit my rock bottom,,, sept 7, 2012, when I could accept another relapse,,, but could not accept her actually using in my home,,, finding a needle was heartbreaking( wanted to stab her with it,,, but resumed control) the worst was pounding down that bathroom door, and actually witnessing the whole process,,,, that was the day I knew I hit rock bottom,,,, if this child of mine was going to kill herself, it deffinetly would not be in the family home,,,,, that was the day,,, I stood firm on our boundaries ( together we created and she agreed and signed) oh it's been challenging, heartbreaking, no sleep,,, no answers,, but to I regret,,,, the one thing I do regret is I waited so long,,,,, granted today I unable to successfully claim she is clean,, or even where she is,,,, there are signs of her,, that she is alive,,, I believe in time she will be back in our lives,,,,, but today I'm no longer that crazy, sad, person,,,, I'm loving and second of my life,, and enjoying every step I take,,,, yes I wish it was with my daughter,,,,,I'm never giving up on her,,,, I may not be where I want to be,,, but I've made changes and so at peace where I am,,,,,, by letting go of what I was unable to control allowed me to receive the joy and love that surrounds me,,, of course raising my daughter"s little girl, gives me a sense of pride,,, I can look in the mirrior and see a wonderful mother looking back and stand proud,,,, of course this is not exactly what I wanted, but it's what I was given,,,, I can live each day in the whole of despair,, or I can choose ( which I have) live, love and laugh every moment I can,,,, I cannot change what is,,, I cannot predict the what if,, I can enjoy the present,,, called a gift,,,,,
so what I would like,,,, is if one or all of you could write a testimony,,, and of course I will recognize you in my book( it may take a couple of years to write) that is not one of those fantasy ones,,, but a book of wisdom, love, and true lives,,,,,
of course my favorite saying,,,,, Put you big girl pants on,, little lipstick,, will probably be the title,,,, and the inside page will say:
Its not about the storm,,,, its the ablitiy to dance in the rain!
love ya
When first starting this journey,(or nightmare) everything becomes so jumble and almost like a tornado of thoughts and reasons,,,, Today after 3 years of this, I can almost put my thoughts into perspective, without having a melt down, which is a major break through,,, I was unable to look back without that sinking feeling of despaire.
I handed out a piece of paper, with the first line written,,,,,, and asked the group to write down how they felt, or what they recall,, it gave us all a sense of relief, knowing that whatever we did for our addicits, we gave it our all,,and allowed us to release,,, so many newbies just starting out, that they feel that sense of being in a tunnel of no where,,,,,
I remember the moment my addicit, was a true deffintion of an addicit,,, I realized the difference between being naieve, and being in denial,,,,,
my addicit, my daughter was one that everything in order, she strived to always look good, kept a beautiful home, had a great job, and her daughter was always her top priority, she dressed ava to the tee,,, she always looked good,,,, everything always in order,,,, has I look back I realize that was all a cover up, behind that perfect senerio was a person in serious trouble,,, took awhile for me to see that,, perhaps I was alright with her so called perfect life,,, she was handling it,,, surly made life for me much easier, knowing that there was one less persons I had to look after,,,,, later I understand that's where the denial comes in,,,,, and when life for her started unwinding, she was loosing control,,, I was taking up that control, and made it easier for her to continue with her "let me feel good drug" still unwear of exactly the name of that drug,,,,,but perhaps calling it being naieve on my part,,, that she is still young trying to regain her youth,,,, so being the mom,,, trying to make life easier,,, I took over,,, I'm sure my reason at the time was for ava, ( not knowing I was giving into her addicition), life seriously was becoming totally out of control,, yet I kept fixing things,, making every step for Kate easier to continue her "need" to get high, she moved in and out of our house so many times,, cant even count,,, the endless rehaps,, because the next one was going to cure her,,, the endless Mondays I spendt visiting her in jail,,,,, bitter sweet, knowing where she was and glad,,, yet such empthay I had for her,, sadness that how drugs can destroy the dreams she once had,,, when she findally after six month got out,,,, giving her every opportunity to be clean,,, I must admit I padded her adventure back out into the real world,,,,, yea,, not such a good choice,,,,, she reconnected with her so called friends,,, yep not so sure how many are still alive,,,,, I finally hit my rock bottom,,, sept 7, 2012, when I could accept another relapse,,, but could not accept her actually using in my home,,, finding a needle was heartbreaking( wanted to stab her with it,,, but resumed control) the worst was pounding down that bathroom door, and actually witnessing the whole process,,,, that was the day I knew I hit rock bottom,,,, if this child of mine was going to kill herself, it deffinetly would not be in the family home,,,,, that was the day,,, I stood firm on our boundaries ( together we created and she agreed and signed) oh it's been challenging, heartbreaking, no sleep,,, no answers,, but to I regret,,,, the one thing I do regret is I waited so long,,,,, granted today I unable to successfully claim she is clean,, or even where she is,,,, there are signs of her,, that she is alive,,, I believe in time she will be back in our lives,,,,, but today I'm no longer that crazy, sad, person,,,, I'm loving and second of my life,, and enjoying every step I take,,,, yes I wish it was with my daughter,,,,,I'm never giving up on her,,,, I may not be where I want to be,,, but I've made changes and so at peace where I am,,,,,, by letting go of what I was unable to control allowed me to receive the joy and love that surrounds me,,, of course raising my daughter"s little girl, gives me a sense of pride,,, I can look in the mirrior and see a wonderful mother looking back and stand proud,,,, of course this is not exactly what I wanted, but it's what I was given,,,, I can live each day in the whole of despair,, or I can choose ( which I have) live, love and laugh every moment I can,,,, I cannot change what is,,, I cannot predict the what if,, I can enjoy the present,,, called a gift,,,,,
so what I would like,,,, is if one or all of you could write a testimony,,, and of course I will recognize you in my book( it may take a couple of years to write) that is not one of those fantasy ones,,, but a book of wisdom, love, and true lives,,,,,
of course my favorite saying,,,,, Put you big girl pants on,, little lipstick,, will probably be the title,,,, and the inside page will say:
Its not about the storm,,,, its the ablitiy to dance in the rain!
love ya
I had him pass out in the family room, hitting his head on a table, and sleeping it off in a dog bed. I took him to AA and he got a DUI...all at 18...I kept hoping we would nip this problem in the bud. But no, he was jailed multiple times. When he got out, we thought relocating him would help his problems (guess what? they relocated with him)
I guess my real wakeup call was after he moved to NY and was ruining my relationship with my mom and her husband (while he stayed with them) and got his own place. The landlord called me because it was such a disgrace, garbage in bags, but all in his living room! Bottles by the hundreds in the closets. Seeing the real way he was living was my wakeup call. And within 6 months he had comitted himself to a hospital, and was on his way to sobriety.
My question is, why didn't I see how bad things were even when I knew he was an alcoholic?
Once we lose that trust, it's so damn hard to get back. To forget is not easy but as a mother I forgive. I forgive and forgive and with time forget. I can't wait to forget the whole damn thing.
if I can reach out to one person,,, my goal has been met,,,, the life of addicition is very cruel,,, but finding a support group ( ours) enables us to regain the confidence to stand proud,,,,,
my arms outreach, and wrap around all of you,,,,, they say it takes a villiage to raise a "addicit'' you my friends are my villiage,,,
peace,,
Sam has been admitted to and "flunked out" of outpatient rehabs, and even a medically monitored Suboxone program. Even a few stints in County Jail... Never did I dream our lives would end up this way...
I am still not sure I actually realize how deep his addiction may be, nor what other mental health issues he deals with...both of our children are adopted (we are older than many parents.. spent many years on fertility procedures), and although "nurture" is a big part, I guess the "nature" part is a big (maybe bigger) part.. We have made many mistakes in our parenting, and lots of times do not see eye to eye (my hub can be a very rigid man, not a giver of much grace), but our kids were raised in a loving home and with a large extended family with whom we are very close... Just goes to show that addiction is everywhere...in families that no one would ever guess..
Kim, your book could be such an amazing help and healer for those affected by addiction..
The last semester of his junior year of high school I knew there was something wrong. His grades were tanking, he was skipping school and was completely obnoxious and lazy. He also quit his two outside activities--karate and violin. These are all the red flags for drug use, so on the last day of school I made him take a drug test. He put up a fight and ultimately peed it the cup. It was positive for opiates. I was expecting to see THC, but opiates! Never in a million years..I was shocked, but didn't realize this was an addiction or what an addiction was. I just thought he was hanging out with the wrong crowd and experimenting.
I took him to an assessment and the counselor told me "your son is an opiate addict". Again, I was shocked, but had no idea what this meant. We took the counselor's advice and set up an appointment for a recovery program. I figured that now that we knew what the problem was, we'd just take him there to "fix" it. Everything would be back to normal and we'd have our son back. We let him convince us that outpatient was enough.
We really began to realize how serious his problem was on the day that my daughter found him sneaking out of the house with a backpack full of her DVD's he planned on pawning. He told her that if she tried to take it away, he'd bite her hand to make her let go. And then he did. That's when I knew the person who was in my son's body was not my son. He would never intentionally hurt someone, especially his sister. I finally understood that his need for the drugs was so overpowering that he would hurt his sister to get them.
We really understood that outpatient was not going to work for him over the Christmas and New Year's holidays in 2009. That's when we discovered the missing jewelry. He refused to take any of his final exams and flunked every class. He asked his dad for money to buy me a Christmas present. Instead he drove out of town in a major ice storm the day before Christmas Eve so he could get drugs. Then he fell into a major depression on Christmas Eve at my father's house and became suicidal. He was completely back to normal the next day. Two days later he took off with my credit card and didn't come home for more than a week. Then when he came home he looked like he had been living in an alley the whole time. A few days later he smashed my Iphone and threw things all over the kitchen when I told him he had to go to rehab or move out. That's when we really understood the depth of his problem.
Still, we had hope that in patient rehab would "fix" him. When he was back on the opiates three days after coming home from a 2 month in patient program, that's when we really knew we were in this for the long haul.
I had no experience with drug addiction and didn't recognize the signs. My son appeared to be functioning fairly well because he was spending an inheritance, so even when he lost his job, he was able to sustain himself at least until the money was gone. He was "sick" often and I just thought his immunity was lowered because he'd been through a lot of grief losing his father and grandmother. The possibility that he could be using heroin never entered my mind.
My son was 27 when he started using. He had made it through high school with nothing more harmful than smoking pot. He never even came home drunk. Mind you, he was always a bit of a "slacker" in school and this was hard for me to come to terms with because I fully intended to have an honour student (that's how we spell "honor" in Canada). But his work ethic, rather than striving to do his best in everything, was to do the least he could get by with. I learned early on that I could have all the motivation in the world for my son, but nothing was going to happen unless he found the motivation himself.
I look back and try to put the pieces together to understand how he took that path when he was such a delightful, imaginative and curious child. He was so caring and affectionate. I read him all the best of children's literature and took him to children's theatre and concerts and cultural festivals and we travelled to Europe. But none of that makes any difference, other than having some good memories. My son said when he was in detox, some of the other clients told horror stories about their childhood and he felt like an imposter because he had a privileged upbringing. But in the end, they were all in there together, fighting the same demon of addiction.
He is my only child, and I try to focus on living one day at a time, finding joy in small things, and chasing my own dreams. Sometimes I reflect on the situation and see it as tragic turn of events, that someone I love more than the world would destroy his body and mind that way. My dream to one day be a grandmother is tainted. Would he ever be able to....? Then I have to stop myself and remember: one day at a time. My son is clean today, and for that I am grateful.
But it's hard to shake the insecurity. If I send him a text and he doesn't respond for a couple of hours, I wonder, "Did he relapse? Has he OD'd? Maybe he just forgot to charge his phone." Then I find out he was at the gym, and I feel so foolish for my crazy fears. Will that fear ever go away? My son said he was surprised that i "took it so well" after he told me about being addicted to heroin. He has no idea.
It was one of the coldest days of the year, News Years Eve 2006. Paul was here with his best friend (a non-user but knew what was going on) anyway me & hubby had made special plans and reservations to take them to the water park hotel near the Mall of America and shortly after has friend's arrival I could tell something was very wrong. When I tried to ask Paul simple questions all I heard in response was mumbled slurring and a dazed expression. Took us a while and many questions later before Paul and to some extent his friend finally told us he was high. After sending his friend home we rushed Paul to a local hospital ER that has one of the top behavioral health and youth addiction programs in the area. After spending hours in the ER he was finally admitted and thus began our 5-year journey through the fires of Hell on earth.
As a young boy Paul was always a quiet loner - preferring to play or read in his room - time outs for him were actually rewards - which had the opposite effect on our daughter who was a 1st-class social butterfly. I'm not sure if his seclusion was due to mental health issues, choice or something in between but one of the things I'm trying to encourage Paul to do is to consider seeking some one-on-one therapy with a counselor. He told me once that he really doesn't understand why he does things he knows are wrong and even though he wants to, he can't seem to stop. In the meantime I continue to love and encourage him, stick to my rules and keep the candle of Hope burning in the window.
Good luck with your book. These kinds of books where people tell real experiences can be very powerful and healing. I am a codependency speaker and I have found that so many people do not have a clue how they have been affected by the disease. We are impacted in so many ways: Emotionally, spiritually, financially, socially, sexually, etc. These stories will help people get in touch with their feelings and that is a very good thing.