Today in group,, I ran the forum,,, part of our recovery is putting things into perspective,, and perhaps allowing me to write a book one day,,,,

When first starting this journey,(or nightmare) everything becomes so jumble and almost like a tornado of thoughts and reasons,,,, Today after 3 years of this, I can almost put my thoughts into perspective, without having a melt down, which is a major break through,,, I was unable to look back without that sinking feeling of despaire.

I handed out a piece of paper, with the first line written,,,,,, and asked the group to write down how they felt, or what they recall,, it gave us all a sense of relief, knowing that whatever we did for our addicits, we gave it our all,,and allowed us to release,,, so many newbies just starting out, that they feel that sense of being in a tunnel of no where,,,,,

I remember the moment my addicit, was a true deffintion of an addicit,,, I realized the difference between being naieve, and being in denial,,,,,

my addicit, my daughter was one that everything in order, she strived to always look good, kept a beautiful home, had a great job, and her daughter was always her top priority, she dressed ava to the tee,,, she always looked good,,,, everything always in order,,,, has I look back I realize that was all a cover up, behind that perfect senerio was a person in serious trouble,,, took awhile for me to see that,, perhaps I was alright with her so called perfect life,,, she was handling it,,, surly made life for me much easier, knowing that there was one less persons I had to look after,,,,, later I understand that's where the denial comes in,,,,, and when life for her started unwinding, she was loosing control,,, I was taking up that control, and made it easier for her to continue with her "let me feel good drug" still unwear of exactly the name of that drug,,,,,but perhaps calling it being naieve on my part,,, that she is still young trying to regain her youth,,,, so being the mom,,, trying to make life easier,,, I took over,,, I'm sure my reason at the time was for ava, ( not knowing I was giving into her addicition), life seriously was becoming totally out of control,, yet I kept fixing things,, making every step for Kate easier to continue her "need" to get high, she moved in and out of our house so many times,, cant even count,,, the endless rehaps,, because the next one was going to cure her,,, the endless Mondays I spendt visiting her in jail,,,,, bitter sweet, knowing where she was and glad,,, yet such empthay I had for her,, sadness that how drugs can destroy the dreams she once had,,, when she findally after six month got out,,,, giving her every opportunity to be clean,,, I must admit I padded her adventure back out into the real world,,,,, yea,, not such a good choice,,,,, she reconnected with her so called friends,,, yep not so sure how many are still alive,,,,, I finally hit my rock bottom,,, sept 7, 2012, when I could accept another relapse,,, but could not accept her actually using in my home,,, finding a needle was heartbreaking( wanted to stab her with it,,, but resumed control) the worst was pounding down that bathroom door, and actually witnessing the whole process,,,, that was the day I knew I hit rock bottom,,,, if this child of mine was going to kill herself, it deffinetly would not be in the family home,,,,, that was the day,,, I stood firm on our boundaries ( together we created and she agreed and signed) oh it's been challenging, heartbreaking, no sleep,,, no answers,, but to I regret,,,, the one thing I do regret is I waited so long,,,,, granted today I unable to successfully claim she is clean,, or even where she is,,,, there are signs of her,, that she is alive,,, I believe in time she will be back in our lives,,,,, but today I'm no longer that crazy, sad, person,,,, I'm loving and second of my life,, and enjoying every step I take,,,, yes I wish it was with my daughter,,,,,I'm never giving up on her,,,, I may not be where I want to be,,, but I've made changes and so at peace where I am,,,,,, by letting go of what I was unable to control allowed me to receive the joy and love that surrounds me,,, of course raising my daughter"s little girl, gives me a sense of pride,,, I can look in the mirrior and see a wonderful mother looking back and stand proud,,,, of course this is not exactly what I wanted, but it's what I was given,,,, I can live each day in the whole of despair,, or I can choose ( which I have) live, love and laugh every moment I can,,,, I cannot change what is,,, I cannot predict the what if,, I can enjoy the present,,, called a gift,,,,,

so what I would like,,,, is if one or all of you could write a testimony,,, and of course I will recognize you in my book( it may take a couple of years to write) that is not one of those fantasy ones,,, but a book of wisdom, love, and true lives,,,,,

of course my favorite saying,,,,, Put you big girl pants on,, little lipstick,, will probably be the title,,,, and the inside page will say:

Its not about the storm,,,, its the ablitiy to dance in the rain!

love ya