These older folks might surprise you. When I told my mother in law about the problems with my son, she just utterly had faith that he would come around some day. I really admired her not wanting to get sucked into 'the problem'. I don't know if she didn't want to deal with it, or if that was her real belief, but she was steadfast about saying this.
I just kinda went "huh".

Family support is something that you need and he needs as well. My spouse was an alcoholic who passed away 2 years ago. My dad passed away before my spouse. My dad never knew the issues. I wish I would have said something to my dad. I believe he would have not only supported me, but offered some wisdom to my spouse.

When I finally said something to my mom, she wondered why I waited so long to tell her.

Susan, I really understand your dilemma. Our aging parents have their own problems that you hate to burden them. Since my parents were 6 hours away, it was easier to "hide" my son's problem. Even I did not realize the extent of his issue until he broke into our home to steal things to pay for heroin in September 2013. At that point, my Dad was dealing was a broken hip and my Mom believes she is a child. I was somewhat relieved when Dad passed, at 94, and I didn't have to tell him. I believe he knew, though, as until he broke his hip he had all his wits about him. Also my son is named after my Dad. My dad was the most honorable man I ever met and I cringed every time the pastor said my son's name during the services. Of course my son wasn't there as he was incarcerated at the time ....and I told people "he would be here if he could, be he can't get away." True ... but also a lie of omission.

Even though I did not tell my parents, I do remember reading a book where an elderly father complained that his children did not share what was going on in their lives and that deprived him of truly living and being part of the family. Just a thought.

Also, I know what you mean about old pictures and memories. I cannot watch the old family videos (that my hubby transferred to DVD) of the happy, carefree son laughing and playing ... such a joy. These memories bring sadness, too. I don't know when we lost him or what I could have done differently. In my head, I know I did everything possible but in my heart, I hurt.

Hang in there.

I have kept my family informed including grandparents. It hurts thrm less to know the child/adult has a disease that can get better than the thought that he just can't be bothered.

Telling othersis a personal choice but for me it works.

we did tell our parents and it was a relief to do so....they hurt for us as we are their children.

Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. I am going to give this some more thought. My parents are 2 hours away and the paternal grandmother is several states away, so it is fairly easy to fend off questions about how "he" is doing. I know my parents will support me, although my Mom may ask me some tough questions. His paternal grandmother will not want to hear it and will make excuses. Her son, my son's father was a heroin addict that died about 4 years ago. My son is one of his 3 children. The other 2 are dead. The half brother died on the streets of probably a drug overdose about 3 years ago and the half sister just died about a month ago. She was not a substance abuser, but at 44 succumbed to sepsis from a broken leg. She was a severe diabetic from childhood and did not take the best care of herself. My son was particularly close to her and it devastated him. I think he is currently using this as his "excuse" for his substance abuse, but as I always tell him, there will always be something/someone in your life to blame. You need to deal with it in a better way.

I feel the need to say I am surprised to read so many that hide this from family. I have told all of mine and received much support. The only chance we and the addict have is to honest about what is going on. I am not saying that every detail should be shared. Addiction is an illness. You might be surprised to find out about past relatives who have battled addiction or a mental illness. 50years ago we would never talk abuse. Education is power. I will pray for you and your family. My daughter is an addict. I am raising her bio children for almost 5years now.I could not imagine doing it without God and my family and close friends.

Susan, this is such a difficult quandary. When our son was in the beginning of his addiction my Mother passed away. He said the most beautiful things at her service-talking about what a great influence she had been and that he was inspired to turn his life around and be a better person. It took a few years after that but he is clean and sober now.
I think it depends on their (grandparents) sensitivity to stressful situations. But often, peoples response will surprise you. I kept it a secret from almost everyone at first but my closest friends. And then I told an old high school friend of mine. Lo and behold she had a similar situation with one of her daughters. I knew I was not alone and it helped immensely to be able to talk openly with my close friends and family.
Whomever you decide to tell may have some helpful insight. You just never know.

I was basically hiding my son's addiction from my family for the last 4 years but recently I felt I needed to tell them. For one thing they can probably tell when they see him that something is wrong. Most of them have been surprised but very supportive. The worst reaction has been from my own Father who was never really close to my son because he is and alcoholic who never thought he was one. Since I told him he has been angry at my son for putting me through so much and he doesn't understand addiction. He told me the last time we saw him that he didn't think my son deserved to be part of the family and that really hurt me. My Dad is 77 and his wife (My 56 year old step mom and my son's step grandma) is dying from from a rare cancer. My Dad is going through so much so I understand but I told him he should read a bit about addiction. That it is a disease.
My son didn't want me to tell people he used Meth. I think the general population including other addicts really look down on Meth users. It's so sad. They have a disease and I think that family should know. It's part of life and we must love each other no matter what. Family is so important. My Dad's brother came to MN from Florida to see my Dad and Step Mom. He is more understanding than my Dad and has been closer to my son than my Dad in some ways. He told my son he could come to Florida if he wanted to get away. That was the sweetest thing ever. My uncle is very poor and lives a simple life and never had children but he was willing to offer help to my son. He made me feel so much better because he was understanding when my Dad wasn't. Everyone is different I guess. I do think my Dad loves my son but he just doesn't understand addiction and probably never will.

my mom let my son get a fresh start staying with her...and he was a full blown drunk. awful for us all.
just about everyone knew, and then no one could get taken for a ride.
they already know something is wrong.
you don't have to tell war stories...just that you have concerns and don't want to bother them, but are letting them know he is "having a bad spell" or something...
why hold the burden and share the secret? we are only as sick as our secrets.

The general population looks down on all drug users...........meth & heroin are probably the worst though. I do not think a large portion of our population believes that addiction is a disease either; many believe its a black & white choice & "if they REALLY wanted to quit, they would". Other people's judgments & opinions of my kids' addiction issues is extremely difficult to deal with, 2nd only to their behavior & the fear of losing them to o.d. or prison. It hurts my heart & soul, even if I do understand why they judge the way they do. I find myself stuggling with wishing it would happen to them so they could see how it feels, but then I feel very guilty for feeling that way, too. It sux being put in the position of being afraid to tell your family & friends about an addicted loved one. I don't want to see the disappointment, worry, disgust, or whatever negative reaction is sure to present itself, even if I do understand the reasons. Im too overwhelmed. It would be nice to just hear genuine "im sorry they are struggling with that. I'm sorry you must be so worried & I will pray for all of you." I don't need to hear things like, "how could she do that to you? Or that woukd be the last straw, Or it just seems like she snaps her fingers snd you jump (said to me by my mother who contributed greatly to me growing up not knowing how to ever have my own opinion or assert myself in any way while she bowed to dad's every demand)......Anyway, I share a minimum amount of info & would not do so with an elderly grandparent. But every family is different.

I can identify with GMaWilli's comment about the fear of losing your child to either prison or an overdose. Every time I go to sleep, I am afraid that I will get "that phone call" or that "knock on my door". I did connect with my son for more than just a few minutes last week and we had an emotion filled chat. He tells me that I don't need to worry about him and his addiction, to find something else to worry about. At this point, I am not only worried about his addiction, but the car repossession men pounding on my door and phone calls looking for him. I laid out for him what his life will be like for the next several years if he loses his car--credit rating (which his was very good and he was proud of); college loans coming due shortly; not being able to get employment because he can't pass a drug test; no health insurance (which you will be fined for) and among numerous other things, loss of self respect. He "appeared" to be listening, but who knows? I assured him that I will always love him, but with him being 27, I need to do a better job of "letting go" and am really trying. I really appreciate everyone's words of wisdom and you are all giving me some support and "peace" with what I am doing/thinking/feeling. Thank you.

I agree that secrecy is the friend of addiction. BUT I also know that we all have to think of our own limits, too. I was very open about my son's issues, but had times when I wished I had kept it secret simply because I was tired of having to talk about it ALL the time!

I am very close to my brother and his wife because my family is so small. They were there during my son's worst times of addiction but now I see that no matter how well he is doing, they look like they are always judging him. My sister in law recently passed a remark about staying on top of her 15 year old daughter so she "doesn't get messed up on drugs". I was so hurt! It can happen to anyone. My son was an honor student, worked and had college scholarships! Sometimes I too and very sorry that I confided in these people. I love this group because I feel like I can vent with no guilt or shame!

Hi Susan and after reading all of the posts I found I had something in common with every one of them. I only shared this with a select few but like you I kept my son's addiction away from my mother (dad died in 09 just b-4 my son's abuse started). Anyway my mom was in her mid 80's when it all started and had a bad heart - I just didn't want to burden her. But like a typical mom, she knew something was amiss so this past summer after my son's release from prison I started sharing small select pieces of information with her and she was actually quite supportive and encouraged my son when she saw him. Since his release he's been attending treatment as part of his parole and working his butt off toward sobriety. So bottom line is I think we all need to be open to stepping outside our comfort zones so we can figure out what helps and what doesn't. Hang in there and like those have said set rules and hold fast to your boundaries b/c addiction is a tricky evil....