Yes there are a lot more people than you believe that are estranged from family members. Sometimes it is not chosen. Case in point, my mother and me where having a disagreement over some student loans before I got married. She dragged my sister into it, now my sister will not talk to me. It is 10 yrs. this Oct. since we last spoke. I do miss her some but she was starting to turn into something like my mom.

At time we choose to estrange ourselves from family members. I have done this twice to my mom. The first time was over unreal expectations on her side of what is cause for me to drop what I am doing and go do things for her. Like going to her house to bury the cat when I worked until 11PM and had to be back in at 7:30am the next day. I didn't talk to her for 4 years. In 2008 I became permanently estranged. I could not take anymore of her pity me, give everything to me, I am the center of the world BS. She was living with a nice man that was very good to her and me. He was really a sweet person. At that time I was finally finishing up my bachelor's degree. Right before finals, he passed away from a heart attack. I was really saddened by his passing. But I also had to get done 4 papers and 2 projects then take the finals. My husband took vacation to go stay with my mom. I actually told my faculty that I was going first in presentations since I had a funeral to go to the same day. They understood. Mom was all weepy eyed at the funeral. When we got to her house, it was different. All she was interested in is if he had changed her to the beneficiary on his insurance policies. No he had not, his daughter was the beneficiary. Then she started asking if we could move in and take over all the house bills. Now understand we were not well off at the time and she was getting over $2000 a month in from social security and black lung benefit from a previous husband. We didn't even make that much a month with 2 people. All she wanted was someone to pay the bills and she could keep all her money. Then she started saying well maybe the his daughter (of the recently passed boyfriend) would share some of the money with her. I was disgusted. All she was looking for was money. We finally said no and walked away. She is so narcissistic I cannot stand it.

I am glad I walked away. Some things that were bothering me for years I have found have their roots in my childhood. I suffer from PTSD due to the abandonment, neglect, emotional and physical abuse I suffered at the hands of this woman. She was so uncaring as to marry a unmedicated schizophrenic man just for his SS and black lung check when I was I child. She made me live through hell with this man in the house. She never cared for me, just for herself. She didn't rock me to sleep, ever tuck me in, no goodnight kiss, no reading to me or any other thing parents do for their children to show they care. Now that she is old and needs someone to take care of her, she only has her one brother. Neither of her children talk to her and now she can get to feel what it is like to be abandoned.

YES! I've chosen to remove most abusers, those not incarcerated... Four years ago I established boundaries with certain family members and BIL. In time period of boundaries, I told truth to entire family of my childhood; I was shocked some members removed me... I've gotten over the immaturity levels of both my younger sisters today. I blow them off when they visit our Gmom (local nursing home, loosing her mind now...) My dysfunctional family of origin only bothers me around holidays today. Today, I have chosen family, they are named "friend." And friends are chosen loved ones, not preselected... Whats awesome is being a bachelor again, I get several holiday dinner invites with real family, IE "friends!"

First of all, thank you both for responding to my post. Its so sad to hear that we have to stay away for our own sanity sake. Dysfunctional families are so hard to deal with when the answer could easily be resolved with a simple talk, finding resolutions and re-establishing a new relationship. But when you have members doing the same thing over and over again, its tiresome and useless.

With that all said and done...I really do believe that we would want it the other way around when we can see or visit without the drama, misunderstandings, control sneaking in.

My sister continues to do something to me for years and years. And the sad part that I finally came to the realization of, is she really doesn't know that what she does affects me. Many things she has done has broken my trust in her and every time I gave it another chance, there she goes with another attack. She is very disloyal to family members but has a really good act to come across as the victim when she victimizes.

My hope is to be able to still stay in contact at some level. But for now, I just have this feeling of despising her. I can't really stand her as a person let alone a sister. Thank God I have another sister who is not like her and would never deliberately try to harm me or others in the family.

But my question is, is estrangement really the answer?

One thing you need to think of is why they behave the way they do. In my family the problem is narcissism. Narcissist can be very abusive without others knowing. They can make themselves to appear as victims while torturing you. Unfortunately, there is no way to treat someone for narcissism. Narcissist do not believe they have a problem. There is no magic pill to fix this. The only things you can do is try to put up with it (accept the abuse) or stop interacting with them.

Great feedback Audra. Dynamics of my family slightly different, not by much though. My mother had me when she was 17, I only recall my biological father beating her and myself (toddler age) through flashbacks. These flashbacks were confirmed by my Aunt to me two years ago (I was 38 then); through marriage to one of two abusive Uncles. Her ex husband (one of two abusive uncles) is an active alcoholic, narcissitic, money is his GOD... He denies any wrong doing to anyone including me and tells me he's victim of divorce. I laughed in his face when he told me that and also that my perception of him is not accurate. I starred at him and asked him when has or when will your reality ever be anyone elses reality? He stood in front of me shocked not able to answer me. What an asshole he is, I'd wish he'd drop dead, but that's not happening soon enough. The other abuser is incarnated for sex crimes. He denies he's guilty, of course. I'm past statue of limitations to add charges onto him. Though I mailed every update from my IOP and counseling sessions into PA parole board. I stopped his parole and man that felt good. He will never molest another child this lifetime as long as I am alive. I think until the entire family becomes aware of it and stops the cycle, abuse within continues. I miss having one sister in my life, but I will not allow her and BIL drama's today in my life.

Baldrocker1, I am so sorry that family tends to shy away when we talk about abuse. Its amazing that they would rather turn their heads instead of going towards the one that has been abused. It makes no sense. But I do know that they become uncomfortable with any type of abuse.

I have a cousin who was raped by my Uncle, her Dad. And he is welcomed in the family with open arms and she is labeled the crazy one. She actually had a nervous breakdown which of course solidified her craziness according to him.

Someday this will all come out in the wash. In the meantime, we do have to set those boundaries and learn not to become bitter as that is power and energy that takes away from us. Accepting the fact that they are willing to be blind is more of a sadness to me. But everyone is different and whatever level you are at, I will always respect that of anyone.

I hope your weekend is great, do something to take care of yourself.

EFF

Baldrocker1, I do not see Audra's post that you are commenting about. Do you know where it is?

I think Rocker was referring to is finding the underlying cause for one to estrange a family member. I spoke about narcissism. Of all things a person can be that drives others away, narcissism in the worst. They will never admit to having a problem and even if they did, there is no treatment for narcissistic personality disorder.

Rocker- I am glad your found a good use for the anger due to your abuse. Keeping him in jail is protecting others and giving you an appropriate outlet for the anger.

My mother and sister are narcissists I have tried to have a relationship with them. My mother disowned me when my father died. Her reason was my family and I didn't quit our jobs and move to anther state to take
care of her. I didn't know about narcissism until recently . It has help me understand their behavior.
I have a hard time breaking all tries with my mother. She is 85 years old and in poor health. This toxic relationship is affecting my health. Any ideas how to get through this hell.

I am so glad I found this group! I was recently disowned by my mom and step-father. They accuse me of being selfish and continuously hurting them. The reason for this decision was the fact that I got married without telling anyone (I eloped). They were furious, yes I can understand that, but to disown me? It's non-sense. My husband even tried to talk some sense into them by offering to have a "real wedding" in 5 years (when we can hopefully afford it), but my parents said they still wouldn't forgive me. They won't even tell anyone I got married because it would "ruin" their reputation and make them look stupid. I find it selfish and controlling. All my life my mom was the center of attention. It was all about her and what she wanted me to do. I am Asian and being Asian made it twice as hard to please my mother. I was never good enough (and she didn't even want me), even though I have two masters degrees and looking into getting a PhD. This happened only 3 weeks ago and I am still really sad and devastated about it, it's also been a good thing. I can now finally be confidant and not doubt myself. I can also break the "cycle" and raise children to be independent thinkers who love themselves. Some of my friends say my parents will come around but I will never allow them back in my life. I have forgiven them but to allow them back in? It's like getting mad at ur friend bc she won't go back to her abusive husband because their Catholic. Abuse is abuse no matter the relationship or circumstance!

Donna,
My step-father is in poor health also and I worry about them regardless. But they have made their bed. You can't change how people are, yo can only change how you react. Every negative thing has a positive life. Trust me, when you focus on the good, the bad can't hurt you as much. Every day it will get better. Live your life and always give the best of yourself. I do that every day. I am thankful for my life, no matter what shape it has become; I have many blessings!

Ive had a hard time with family since the birth of my first child. Mosty emotional abuse from female family members. Canstant critisism, insults, put downs and thtreats of physical harm have caused me to have to shut them out of my life. Its a sad time as i was hopeing for support as a new mother. Iam very confused as to why i get these sorts of reactions sometimes i think jealousy, missunderstandings and them i blame myself and think ive done something wrong. At the end of the day i know i was being bullyed and i couldnt take it anymore. Im glad i found this group as it will help me to heal my pain and confusion from this and thats why im here :)

We have so many situations with estrangement but it seems to come down to abuse, narcissism, tradition and communication. The breakdowns in family can be so overbearing and so sad.

IDonna, its so sad that women in the family have to make life so difficult. I hope that you will find some women in your life to be positive role models for you and embrace you with the love that is unavailable in your family. Mothers can be so hurtful as well. In your situation I know that not everyone can get up and leave. It is unfair for older folks to expect that. However, is there a balance you can come up with. Like taking some time off to care for her? I know its difficult, and I understand fully. We are taking care of an elderly man who is 80 and its really tough. It may be little visits here and there or setting some boundaries with the sister if you come to help. Whatever you decide...you need to take care of your health first. There are other ways to help.

Petite, eloping for any family hurts. sorry this is not to side with them but parents like to brag, buy stuff, get excited about the wedding, and so on. When a child elopes the parents feel left out completely. Give it time for them to heal, and make arrangements to have a wedding even if they are stubborn about it. Its important to see their beautiful daughter walking down an aisle in front of their guests. A proud moment for parents. And I think you would like it as well.

Also, the Asian culture and American culture do not mix. There are alot of traditional values in the Asian culture within the family system. Honoring the father and the mother is high on the list, where the American culture is not that way. You are very successful, and smart, and independent. But Asian parents don't get that. You don't have to please them anymore. Think about this more, they are stuck in the tradition and I think its going to be a battle that can't be won. But you can find other ways to go around it. Just my opinion...take it with a grain of salt. You know what is best for you, maybe others can offer some suggestions.

Rachael, my suggestion is to give yourself a break from that craziness. Enjoy your child and find an organization where you can meet other mothers as well as adopting a mother figure for yourself. You deserve to be respected and loved and your child needs to see that in front of her eyes. You can start a new and healthy cycle for your life and your child's life.

Hey Estranged,
thanks for your insight. I know it was devastating to them but 1) they werent going to pay for it, 2) we couldn't afford it, 3) no matter what we did, my mom would be complaining about it. They knew I didnt want a wessing; I dislike weddings with a passion n I dont like to waste miney on frivalous things. 4) my husband suffers from chronic kidney failure n didnt no wnat was going to happen. All my mom wants to do is brag. I know ur point is valid but growing up it was all bout control. I am surprised I grew up to br a kind caring person bc I didnt get it from her. I dont want to duvulgr my whole life story on here, but I am indeed the most happiest I have been. I have amazing friends, I have a great job where I help kis (teacher) n I hav ef a loving husband. I hope one day I have beautiful indep intellig we nt children. Btw my step father is white but he is pussy whooped, lol. My mom has no friends n family members dont l ik ke her much.

Sorry mispelled words from cell phone!! Lol