Thanks for your replies. Sorry, I'm just getting around to reading them. Eliza touched on forgiveness, and this for me is just as hard to work through as acceptance. One thing I heard about forgiveness, which has helped me in this process, is forgiveness is not forgetting or "giving in" giving into the one who hurt you. This is really a no win situation. It truly is their loss. Even though you deeply feel the loss and are grieving, they have truly burned their bridge. I also am working on blaming myself, for being a doormat to all of them and a punching bag, so to speak. I fought all their battles, only I ended up the one getting hurt in the end. Co-Dependent, they call it. And I had said in a recent session with my therapist, I still worry about my brother, and still love him. She said not to worry about him, but to forgive him and MYSELF. My needs came last resulting in my losing my home and everything and everyone that I ever loved. Bitter? I used to feel anger a lot. Not so much anger now, just sorrow. I'm one not to give up--a fighter! And I wanted justice. Not revenge, justice. To show him how wrong it is to destroy the foundation or fiber of our family throughout past generations and future generations. And all that my family believed in. The loyalty he has broken. The family bond is broken. So, yes, Eliza, I agree with you on forgiveness is not trying to make the relationship work and with that, comes acceptance and peace within yourself. Thanks so much for your reply. Truly has helped me also.

SunnyBunn,
I do so understand. And it sure hurts. Nor sure if you can change your Dad. But, you are a very strong person in taking care of him after all you've been through. Like I used to say, that's what family is all about. Supporting eachother, because you love them and are concerned about them, so you truly care about them. It's so sad to hear your story about the last time seeing your Mom alive. I so can empathize with you on that one. Hold your head up and stand tall girl, you ARE doing just what you're meant to do. And I admire you for your strength. Thanks for your reply.

Amelah,
I love your "Wheelchair Theory". Great advice. To see people the way they are. Because, this is so true. And I can relate to your story. Always there, birthdays, family events, etc. The hurt is deep. I don't believe I have ever felt so hurt in my life. And the "hate" and resentment radiating from my brother towards me, really broke my spirit. And nobody ever, has ever broken my spirit. He succeeded in breaking my spirit for sure. I also had to learn not to respond or I like to use the word "REACT" to his behavior. Because that's what they want you to do, to engage in an argument. Only, the one that would suffer, is you. So, thank you so much for your reply. I really draw strength on just knowing that I am NOT alone. Thanks again. Keep on Keeping on.

JoyHoly,
Thank you SO much for your post. It is so devastating! And to know I'm not alone, is so helpful and eases some of my pain. And all you have given of yourself to the ones you love, only to result in such deep, hurtful, pain. I so relate to you. And you haven't spoken to them since 1994!!! WOW! That's a long time! I hope I can be as strong as you for that long. It's hard for me not to want to contact him. But, as my therapist advised me is in one word "DANGEROUS". I would be setting myself up to be used and abused again. Especially now that the trust is not there anymore. Thank you so much for your reply, I sure do appreciate it!!! Very helpful and good luck to you also--keep on keeping on.

Accept that they will always be the way that they are.
So if I want to be abused, I have it at my fingertips anytime I want...... the next time I am feeling too good about myself and need to be put in my place, I will get back in contact with them again.
Sounds good to me.

I sing really beautifully. GOd really blessed me. Dad wanted me to sign at mom's funeral. Sis wanted all the attention for herself. She tried and tried to talk me outta of doing what dad wanted. But I won out when dad asked the priest and he told him that I sing professionally at funerals in my home church.

After the funeral my sis was fuming so bad you could nearly see the steam comging out her ears ad every relative just had to come by and compliment me on singing for my mom's funeral.
(Thanks to sis, they had never heard me sign before that day. She is a real winner.)

i have no relationship with one of my brothers. I am the youngest of 3 and the only girl. I don't have a relationship with my middle brother cause of chronic verbal physical abuse from him to me. He does not exist to me and vice versa. We will both die in this lifetime and never speak again. I know this. So yeah I know how it feels.

Thanks for your post Crossing the Border. Has your brother always been abusive towards you, even when you were children? Just curious. Because my brother was always physically and emotionally abusive. And was very abusive towards our mother right up to her death. He manipulated her and intimidated her for financial and personal gains. And she would not go against him. She was so fearful of him and afraid he would admit her into an elderly home. Not sure if that would not have been so bad now. She allowed him to alienate myself and my daughter from other members of the family. Which is abuse in itself and ignoring us as if we did not exist. And today he and his wife are living in my parents home--never had to pay a mortgage or buy furniture, everything in that house that was my parents is their now. And I wish I had seen it coming years ago. Anyways, thanks again.

Gia,

Was there anything you could do about the situation legally. My N sister has power of attorney and on everything
financial of my N mother's. I live two hours away. I am receiving calls from N mother's neighbors.
They say N mother is not being taken care of by N sister. My N mother give N sister a lot of money every month. So home health care said my N mother could afford to pay for her care and took her off. My N mother has it so my sister will get everything N mother owns when she dies. N mother believe she doesn't have any money. I know a year ago my N mother was very well off.
I am suppose to be on call when my N sister wants my help. She never talks to me. My N mother tells me. My N mother's best friend is a nurse. She checks on her daily but doesn't return my calls. Gia I don't know if seeing it coming would have helped. I saw it coming and don't think there is a thing I can do to stop it. It is a very hard and painful situation to be in.

Thanks for your reply lDonna! Oh boy, your story sure sounds familiar to me. I've been reading up on Elder Abuse and it sure fits. The intimidation and manipulation my brother and sister-in-law used to gain control and power over my Mom is disgraceful! And alienated my 10 year old daughter, then myself is a strong sign of elder abuse. Seems like they have cut contact with you also. It is so painful and so hard to accept that my own brother would do this. Especially to his only niece. Thanks for the post, I guess I'm not alone, in sharing other people's pain. Thanks again. Stay strong.

Gia Sending lots of hugs and peace.

Hi everyone, just wanted to share my story.

My brother abandoned me a little less than a year ago, immediately following my destination wedding. He was the best man. We had just lost our mother the previous year in October 2011 and I got married in June 2012. His wife and 2 children accompanied us on our trip to Greece. We were there a month, and after the wedding spent a couple of weeks reuniting with cousins and other family members we hadn't seen in years.

Apparently, he wasn't happy with the way I treated/talked to his kids. I can be a little stern when verbally disciplining (my mother was the same way) but he finds it way too harsh, even though he totally respected my mother for being that way with us. Fine, they're his kids, I understand. But instead of working it out with me, he simply dropped me. It was the biggest shock of my life, because we became close after my parents' divorce (before either of us were married). We always told each other we'd "stick together".

I noticed him rejecting me over time in small little ways, after he met his wife. She and I didn't get along in the beginning, but when they got engaged I made a concerted effort to treat her like my own sister and since then have always looked at her that way. I thought she did too, but obviously I was really wrong. She never did and I was naive to ever think she would.

Anyways, when I tried to reach out to her at first when I wasn't quite sure what was going on (because they just stopped talking to me with minimal explanation) she lashed out in a text with nasty words and it took me aback.

I kept reaching out to both of them in emails and texts, with kind words, to let them know I was ready to reconcile when they were. But as time passed, holidays went by and I wasn't invited - to Thanksgiving, to Christmas, to their children's birthday parties - and I realized this was for good. My brother told me "it's only until the kids are older". I coudln't stop laughing/crying when I heard that.

Now I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOO pissed. In my opinion (and my husband's, who is extremely sensitive himself), I did nothing wrong with his children. As a matter of fact, I was an exemplary aunt. When his son fell off the bed and tore a gash in his forehead while we were staying in a small town with no hospital, it was me that led them in a car convoy to Athens, not knowing where I was going (but having been to Athens more times than anyone else, was considered the person to follow!) driving like a maniac hoping my nephew was ok, and got him to a children's hospital where he was stitched up and alright. My brother was completely paralyzed with fear the entire ride and couldn't even talk. But I came through. I guess that meant nothing to him! Or his wife!

I can't express the pain this has caused me. My father is a narcissist and emotionally abused all of us growing up (including my mom). However, my borther still maintains a relationship with HIM! But I'M the one that can't be around his kids!! WTH????

I don't even know how to begin getting over this. I've been trying to tell myself to just accept and forgive and all that other crap, but I'm still too angry. I can't forgive him, I think he's a disgusting excuse for a human for abandoning me like this. We used to get together weekly before the trip to Greece! Can you imagine? My mother was our best friend and her death hit us like a tonne of bricks, so I was sure we would be there for each other and instead he abandoned me. I still can't believe it sometimes.

He is my only relative here in North America (aside from my estranged father who I wrote off a looooong time ago) and the sense of loss of identity is very profound.

Any advice is welcome.

I can definitely relate to these stories of estrangement from siblings. My thoughts & prayers are with each of you. I'm not going to rehash my story here, but those interested will find it at the link below. Writing has been my way of dealing with the pain.

"Siblings are supposed to be there for you from cradle to grave. Relationships with them are the most prolific and enduring. Estrangement from siblings is a powerful ache." ~ Author Unknown

My story of sibling estrangement
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/family-e-strangement/discussions/messages/14378005

Writing through the pain
http://estrangedsiblings.wordpress.com

HELLO, I MADE A CHOICE AND HAVE NOT SPOKEN TO MY SISTER AND BROTHER SINCE WE BURIED OUR MOTHER, IT NOW NEARLY 20 YEARS, THIS IS IT, THEY DID THINGS THAT HURT TOO MUCH, AND THIS IS MY WAY OF COPING, BEFORE MY MOTHER DIED, I WAS ALWAYS BEING CONTROLLED AND DOMINATED, MANIPULATED, NOT TO HURT MY MOTHER FEELINGS AND LET MY FAMILY RUIN MY LIFE, MY HOLIDAYS I WOULD GO THERE ,BRING GIFTS, CLEAN MY MOTHER HOUSE, AND NOTHING I DID WAS EVER APPRICIATED, AFTER HER DEATH I HAD NO REASON TO KEEP THE PRETENSE.. YOUR MOTHER IS GONE AND MAYBE YOUR BROTHER FEELS THAT HE NO LONGER HAS TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU, FROM WHAT YOU SAY, THINGS WERE GOOD, BUT THIS IS NOW, AND SADLY THEY NO LONGER WANT YOU IN THEIR LIVES, IT IS SAD, BUT THERE ISN'T MUCH YOU CAN DO, I FEEL FOR YOU ,BECAUSE YOU SOUNDS CARING AND LOVING , MY SISTER WAS A MONEY GRABBER AS WAS MY BROTHER AND HIS WIFE.. THEY ARE NOT GOING TO EXPLAIN WHY, THE REAL REASON, YOU GOT TO BE COURAGEOUS AND LET GO, WE CANNOT MAKE ANYONE LOVE US, IF THEY DON'T WANT YOU THAT IS WHAT YOU GOT RESPECT, AND MOVE ON, FILL YOUR LIFE WITH SOMETHING YOU LIKE DOING, IT IS SAD, BUT DON'T KEEP THINKING ABOUT IT, IT HURT, BUT IN TIME YOU WILL HEAL, LOVE LUCY**

I have 5 brothers, the one who is three years older than me had rejected me and telling everyone would listen that I'm a b$****. I tried to figure out what did I do. I remember him calling me, asking to text him. I told him that I couldn't because I did not have anymore minutes on my phone, so volunteered to pay for my service. Few days later, I received a call from California. The lady said that one of my nieces used my mom as reference (I'm guessing it was a check cashing place). The lady asked to speak with my mom but she was taking a nap, then she asked me was I the aunt, I said "yes". I haven't seen my niece since 2007 when she was about 15 years old. When I last seen her, she had long beautiful hair past her shoulder, shorter than myself and mostly quiet. Here it is 2015, when the lady asked me to describe my niece, I said that she was short, long beautiful hair past her shoulders and probably in her early 20's. After I said that, I received a call from my brother who seemed to be very upset with me. He asked me could he and his family move to the same city we (as me, youngest brother, and mom). I told him that I could not give him an answer, he would have to speak to them. He then hung up on me. The last time he spoke with me, he told me that he was moving to Wisconsin but not in the same city as us; then he said that he and family was considering moving to another location in California (up in Kern County). A place call Bakersfield. When he spoke about moving to Wisconsin (it is now cold and snowing here), I asked him would his little babies deal with the coldness, he said "yes", I said nothing but "oh". Now when he speaks with my mom on the phone, he always tell her what a butt I am and how I was being disrespectful towards him. From what I understand he also talked with another one of my brothers, telling them how terrible of a person I am.

I really don't understand why he feels the way he does about me, we used to be close friends when we were kids. I never thought that I would see this behavior coming from him today, (never). I'm feeling like a bad person inside, and I feel worse that one of his daughter's (the oldest one who is in her 20's) want to fight me. They feel that I'm keeping them from my mom, that is not true at all. Mom does not want to see them because she does not want children around her. My brother is the type of person that when you tell him "no" he would do the opposite. Example back in the early 1990s, my mom asked him not to bring his girlfriend to our home because trouble always followed them (he even got badly beat up for her when they went to Las Vegas with some friends). Anyways...when we (mom and I) get out of church he, his girlfriend and her daughter would be walking down he street or they would attend the church. The sad thing was mom and I had plans of how we were going to spend the rest of the day after church. We were going to stop at the store, buy desserts, walk next door to a special bakery (the one I love to visit), then visit taco bell (which was only next door to the apartment we lived in). They knew us so well at taco bell that we did not have order. They always knew exactly what we wanted, two soft tacos, one burrito with beans and cheese and one more burrito with meat, beans, and cheese.

I remembered how he used to get threats from a guy who was my brother's best friend in elementary school and four other people. They would call every morning asking for my brother, they would call all day long. It was two guys, and two girls.

Sometimes I just don't know what to do or say anymore. But yes I can relate with you when it comes to my brother. It seems no matter what I say or do, I can not get him to accept me unless I'm agreeing with him on things I don't believe in.