Sorry you are feeling this pain. Frankly, I think it is a part of your son's growth to adulthood. As far as this girl goes, scary yes, if she knows the father, then the father will need to support the child, not your son. I've learned with my son to not tell him what to do, rather to ask him questions...if he wants to be her friend, so be it..it is his choice. You can raise your concerns for his well being, and be ready to hear something you may not like. Ask him 'what is she doing for her future? What are you doing to help her and support her as a person? Maybe, a keep your eyes/ears open so she doesn't expect anything further than your friendship. One of my friends said to me not long ago, you'll get to a place where accepting my son will fall, and not run to pick him up, let him know you will be a soft place to land. Leave an open invitation, when ever you feel like a meal....drop by...during the week if he wants to keep his weekends open for friends. Take care, an I hope all will work out, for your family. ML

Miro853 - thank you for your reply and the questions you pose. The father of this child told the mother that he did not want anything to do with her or the child once she told him she was pregnant. He was 37, she is 26. At that time she was living somewhere else so as far as I know she has not had any contact with him since she moved back here to be closer to her family for support. Therefore, based on that information that we have been told I don't know whether the child's father will be involved in anything or not. At this point in time I just feel like I don't understand or know my son anymore. It just seems and feels like he is withdrawing further from us and getting involved in situations that do not seem in his best interest. It also seems that if we mention her name -- he will never say it when somehow she is involved is something. He always says his Bill's sister (I forgot to mention she is his roommate's sister)--he may quickly answer but then by his tone off voice we can tell he is not open to any other questions. I underrstand letting him fail but a relationship off this type is something I would totally prefer he avoid because off the long-term implications it could have on his life both financially and emotionally. It is a very hard concept to totally absorb. I pray constantly for his wisdom and discernment and hope that God will guide him.

hi you may remember my motto I devised when my son left home 'have faith, lighten up and back off!' I can only recommend it to you now - it really does help if you can be determined to stick to it. So if I start wondering and worrying, I try to have faith - both in him, in his abilities, in his decisions, in his choices etc - and have faith in God too. I also am determined to have faith in his friends, and his fiancee - not doubt or question things, just have faith. It's difficult but you just have to do it - no choice really, as my son won't tolerate criticism, advice or interference, no matter how well-meaning or how much he may need it - he's very proud of his independence and defends it.

So that's part one of my motto - have faith. As to lightening up and backing off, well it's self explanatory - if difficult - it's just necessary, it's not like we have a choice. Our kids will be forced to cut us out of their lives if we don't have faith, lighten up and back off from their life. Please try - I think it's wonderful for you that your son lives so close and that you see so much of him, and even work in the same building - you have so much opportunity for BRIEF, lighthearted encounters that will make him feel happy rather than pinned down. I do recommend keeping it brief though - and so far I haven't visited my son either - I want our encounters to be on his terms only, because I'm afraid to intrude on his independence or outstay my welcome. I want him to remember me fondly when I die, not breathe a sigh of relief because he's finally escaped my clutches! So I do try to keep things light and very casual with him - we don't really 'talk' about serious things - I don't ever cook for him or expect to - frankly I'm grateful for a minute of his valuable time and attention, pathetic though that sounds! I do feel very much like there's been a role reversal and I'm now dependent on his goodwill and indulgence, rather than the other way around. I hope you can work something out with your son - he sounds like a wonderful young man, so relax and trust him xxx

Hi, I've been in hospital, so sorry I haven't responded until now. btw, I'm ok. I totally agree with
" edana: my motto I devised when my son left home 'have faith, lighten up and back off!" You write about prayer, the best prayer, as what I do, God Please Watch Over My Son. We all have choices. Turn it over, let it go! My motto: Don't Ask Why!

well I'd feel rejected too! but he might just be going thru a stage.A couple of my kids have done that only to come back around the following year as if they forgot they ever said it!...I'd give him his space but tell him you still want to keep in touch.Maybe he will compromise and spend one sunday a month with you? That would be better than nothing.Hopefully time will mature him and he'll realize that he needs to appreciate his parents more and make the time for them .But for some kids ,that comes with time.Hope he changes his mind.Its been a while since your post..how are things going?

Hello everyone. An update. Our son agreed to have dinner with us -- a Friday night -- and proceeded to tell us that he began dating his roommate's sister while she was 6 months pregnant with someone else's child. He has now dated her for about 2-1/2 months. I am devastated -- haven't had my cry yet. If anyone can pray for discernment, clarity, wisdom, etc. for him, please do so. He is just starting his professional career and I just don't see why he would attach himself to her. Yes, I am being judgmental but she h as several concerns -- medial issues which supposedly cause emotional issues, and a baby.

Oh Lordy, I have the first thought your son wants to be a dad! Two girls now, both pregnant and two different fathers. I'm really glad your son agreed to come to dinner! That is a move in the right direction. My brain is hurting for you and my mouth is saying 'Leave Him Alone', no doubt he is questioning himself"...you know the old saying about daughters and son's and marriage....perhaps if there is concern about this woman' heath, you could offer support....Leave it at that...no advice...maybe give her a call? "is there anything I can do to help you"...also, both woman, despite their sperm donors 'should receive child support as long as they are unmarried...that's the law...garnished wages is the best route to go. Also google 211 in where you live and you'll find a listing of All Social services to get the best care for the girls if they are not working...lots of stuff out there, of course lots of pain in the arse to get the services started....best of luck keep posting for support...I don't come often, but I do check out pages every couple of days :-) be kind and supportive to YOU! ML

mlro853:

There are not two girls, only one. She is the sister of my son's roommate. And there is no sperm donor -- she had unprotected sex with the guy and ended up pregnant. The baby's father told her he wanted nothing to do with her or the child. We have since found out that she had two other relationships that involved premarital sex. Three sexual encounters in the past 18 months. Based on that information I feel like she doesn't have very strong morals and therefore I do not want her to become my son's wife. I know in the end that it is his decision but I feel he is settling for second best and just isn't willing to wait for the right person to come into his life. We have finally shared the situation with most of my family and some of our church family and asked for their prayers. It has given me a great sense of peace to know that we are no longer alone in praying for him to come to his senses. Only God can determine or change this story and it will be in his timing.

sorry, my mistake, "sperm donor" usage refers to a man who does not take responsibility for his child. I wish you well, and hope all things work out for the best of all concerned! ML

well if nothing else your son is rescuing this girl and her poor child from an uncertain future - which may be taking Christian charity to the extremes but even so, he is doing something noble to help another person who is in dire straits. I only hope he gets some happiness from the relationship in the process, and she settles down now she's 'safe' and blossoms into a good wife and mother. That's all any of us can hope for with our kids really - we have no control over their choices. And do remember that God is not as 'linear' as we are - He works in mysterious ways his wonders to perform - and often we never live long enough to even guess at the outcome or repercussions of something. God sees the 'big picture' - we just see it up close and personal. So don't assume that your son marrying this girl and raising her child is against the will of God - although it's certainly against your will. Have faith it will be OK somehow, as long as they know you love them and are supportive of them. Which means loving her too - good luck with that!