Eating Disorders Support Group

Eating disorders are marked by an obsessive need to control the intake and/or purging of food. This community is dedicated to those struggling on the road to recovery. Join to discuss your experience with others and find support. Get advice, ask questions, and meet others who are going through similar struggles.

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want it again

clarissa
clarissa

christmas has passed. i'm suffering fron anorexia and bulimia and you can imagine how i passed christmas. well i have been in therapy and it has worked but still i'm afraid of food. one week before the 24th i mentalized that i was going to eat dinner as a normal person does and well i made it. "ana" is passing through my mind as maniatic telling me i'm fat and a faillure, i think i will fast until i lose the weight i gained. when i was on my worst time with anorexia i felt more satisfied and happy, sometimes i want ana and mia so badly again in my life. i'm so afraid of how much calories i have ate and how many weight i gained.  i'm desperate i think i would go back and return my friendship with ana and mia. 

LuckyEmpath
LuckyEmpath
I am sorry you are struggling right now. I also found that during stressful times I wanted the ED back. I found a level of comfort in that familiar coping mechanism. But as I have worked on feeling my feelings and releasing them I have not longed for the old familiar ED. Instead I was able to, for the first time since I was a kid, enjoy a holiday.

Please keep working on your healing and I hope you didn't revert back to your ED at all but at least not to excess. If you did revert back to it please don't beat yourself up about it. Its one moment in time. Setbacks are a natural part of healing and you wouldn't have them if you had not already moved forward in your healing.
RosieK
RosieK
Exactly what @Lucky said. Remember recovery is not a linear process, and just because you went through treatment, restored, and went to therapy doesn't mean you are better. There will be ruts and set-backs, and Ednos (my lovely companion of eating disorder not otherwise specified) is also a welcoming gesture at times. It is a fake sense of control.

And already you are proving to be a stronger individual than perhaps when you first started, because you ARE recognizing those feelings as coming from mia and ana, not from you. Stay strong and know you are supported here!
clarissa
clarissa
Thanks for your words, hope this can get better
LP0126
LP0126
I want to make sure you don't feel alone in this. I am where you are at- at times being so terrified of the increased intake or slight/perceived weight gain that I feel its worth going back to restrictive behaviors to "get back in control", I find it interesting how you feel you were happier when you were engaging in Ana/Mia. I too have had times where I felt I was "better" when I was sicker, it is a false sense of control or peace and in the end the pain always returned and usually worse each relapse. I hope you're able to look back and see that you weren't really happier w Ana/Mia otherwise you would have made so much effort to recover. The ED tries so hard to trick us until going back. The stronger we become in recovery the more The ED voice fights (temporarily, this decreases). Have patience w yourself. The thoughts will be there, you just get to choose how much you want to fight back or what kind of power you will give them. Let us know how it's going. You can do this! Recovery is worth it!