Eating Disorders Support Group
Eating disorders are marked by an obsessive need to control the intake and/or purging of food. This community is dedicated to those struggling on the road to recovery. Join to discuss your experience with others and find support. Get advice, ask questions, and meet others who are going through similar struggles.
I joined this group because I got kicked out of outpatient treatment in December for not following recommendations. I thought their meal plan of 6 times a day was extensive and I kept trying but could not do it. I have maintained my weight since then. I feel like I am cured because I am not losing weight but I'm really struggling with feeling fat and all I can think about is getting through the next few months so I can restrict and lose all this weight I've gained. I have been eating unhealthy, too many sweets so I restrict and try to just drink coffee throughout the day. Its a horrible pattern as I feel totally out of control. I have an appetite and it is really scary to me. I want to stop eating entirely but I'm in college and will graduate in May if I can stay healthy long enough to get through it. I finally came back after dropping out due to being hospitalized for my ED two years ago. I don't see a future for myself but I just want the accomplishment of finishing my degree. I want to stay healthy, for my daughter, but I'm really struggling to allow myself to be this weight. Everything inside me is screaming to lose weight and its a constant battle. I am stable in my weight now, I'm not starving myself, but I'm hating it. Thought I'd try getting some support here because apparently I wasn't successful enough in treatment. Thanks for listening to me vent.
uniquorn- I have been there, it took me over a year after being hospitalized to get to a healthy bmi because I couldn't gain and when I did I immediately changed behaviors to lose it again. Its true about the belly during this process, it is a terrible feeling but it will even out. Unless you turn to drinking beer like I did. lol. I'm happy to hear you're starting a support group. Stick with it, they say it gets better if you do.
It can be a constant battle to walk in recovery when you've had an ED, particularly for a long period. I find it's a daily choice I make - do I want to be well and sane and healed?, or do I want to listen to the old tapes full of self-hatred and lies? which is not living but just existing for me.
Becoming comfortable with ones size, weight and body image takes a long time and it is a slow process, but it is possible! I am walking in a place of freedom in this regard even though I've struggled with EDs since I was a teen (now 50).
Be gentle with yourself and patient. You are on your way when you recognise the self-sabotaging patterns and thoughts you have followed for so long (as I can see you are trying to do).
In my recovery I've found that I have had to deliberately choose health and sanity rather than listening to my feelings and following them all the time, because those feelings could be deceptive at times.
I hope some of this helps... keep coming back for support and help. And welcome to this board :-)
Kim x
It sounds like you're really struggling, and I can imagine the frustration and lack of hope you're feeling right now. It's a good thing that you can admit that you lie to yourself sometimes, and that in writing out your thoughts and re-reading them, you can see that you really do still have a problem. That is the healthy voice in you speaking.
I can relate so much to the ambivalence you're speaking to, the wanting to get better but not wanting to get better at the same time. It makes a lot of sense. ED, as miserable as it is, feels safe. It is comfortable, familiar. The thought of recovering feels like entering into a whole new world of unknowns, and that is scary. It is okay to feel afraid and overwhelmed by it all.
I am far from completely recovered, but I have been able to overcome some of the ambivalence I've felt, thought some of it still remains. What helped me was to think of all the reasons I wanted recovery. You mentioned a few amazing reasons for recovery right in your post...graduating college, your daughter, your future. Even though you feel like you don't have a future, you absolutely do. There are so many possibilities for you, if you choose recovery.
I once wrote out in my journal what my life would look like in 10 years if I continued with ED. It was not a pretty picture, and upon rereading it, I realized that that is not the life I want for myself.
Then, I wrote out how I imagined my life would be in 10 years if I chose recovery. Though it was filled with challenges, and far from perfect, I imagined myself being strong enough, in body and mind, in order to face those challenges. I imagined all the possibilities for myself, and upon rereading both scenarios, I knew the second one was what I wanted for myself.
It seems like maybe writing out your thoughts and feelings is helpful to you, as it seemed to be in writing on this thread in DS. Maybe you could try writing these scenarios out (recovery vs staying sick) . Also, writing out a "Reasons to Recover" is also a great idea. You can post it on your wall or keep it near you always so that when you feel the temptation to give into ED, you can reread all the reasons why you want to get better.
I am sorry this is turning into an essay, but one more thing that might really help you in overcoming some of your ambivalence is uncovering any underlying forces driving your ED. What makes the ED so appealing? Rarely is it simply that we "feel fat" or want to lose weight. Once I took a good, hard look at what my ED was doing for me, I realized that I was staying sick because I wanted people to love me. I believed that if I was ill, people would come take care of me and nurture me (by the way, it didn't turn out like this...ED is such an isolating disease that it drew me further and further away from people). But realizing the underlying behaviors behind the eating disorder made me realize that I don't need it anymore. I would really encourage you to speak to a counselor who can help you work through some of these things. I imagine it must feel discouraging to have had a treatment center deny you help (and it is just awful some treatment places do that to patients), but do not give up. There is help out there, and you deserve it.
If you like self-help type books, "The 8 Keys to Recovery" is excellent. I'm usually not a fan of self-help books (though I've read quite a few good ones recently), but this one is amazing. It has writing exercises and chapters that directly address the ambivalence you describe.
Again, I apologize for writing so much, and feel free to disregard my reply. I can just feel the struggle in your words, but I also feel the little glimmer of hope, the seed of desire to get better, that is inside of you. Keep nourishing that part of you because recovery is possible. Take good care and please let me know if there is anyway I can help. I believe in you.
All the best with therapy and with your studies. These can both be stressful so be kind to yourself. Im sure youll always get support here when the going gets tough:)