I've had a difficult time staying asleep for awhile now, but recently, have begun to eat in the middle of the night. I am aware of what I am doing (though I do feel groggy), but feel so anxious that I feel like I must have a snack before I can go back to sleep. I am not hungry at all, but I eat anyway. This usually ends up being a fairly large snack, basically a meal. Lately, I have been eating peanut butter and jelly and yogurt (all of that) and then I will eat again when I wake up a few hours later.

I feel so incredibly guilty and ashamed. I have dealt with anorexia and am so used to having the utmost control over what I eat, and now I just feel like I've lost it. I've been feeling so guilty that I try to limit my calories during the daytime, so as not to go over my allotted amount, but I know the daytime restriction only sets me up for more night eating. On top of it all, I have been extremely depressed (mostly due to OCD thoughts I've been having that make me feel like an evil person), and I basically lay in my bed all day because I cannot be bothered to do anything. This leads to me feeling even more guilty for eating, since I am not using any energy, which makes me want to restrict more. But I know I cannot restrict because I can't lose weight. I was severely underweight several months ago, but managed to gain some back (mostly from being depressed and inactive) and my dietitian still wants me to gain more. But I want to lose weight. I can't stand the thought of looking healthy on the outside when I feel so shitty inside.

I am not really sure what the point of this post is. I am sorry for my ranting and complaining. I have been feeling so down and needed a place to vent, so thank you if you took the time to read all this.