Welcome to the group. I am sorry your romantic interest suffers from anorexia but am happy to see you wanting to support him. I am sure that support looks different for each person so have you asked him how he would like you to support him?

When a person has an eating disorder it is very important to help them see they need help. They are not always open to this suggestion because you really have to be at that place where you are ready to heal. Healing is difficult, challenging and has many setbacks so having a qualified therapist is essential. But if he is not at that place where he is ready to heal then forcing it on him will likely not work - or it will work for a short time only.

If his health is at risk and he does not agree he needs to heal an intervention may be necessary. His physical health comes first and once healthy he should seek help with a qualified therapist. Fulling healing from an ED is possible. He deserve to heal and I hope he wants to heal.

I'm glad you came here. Most of us that struggle with EDs have difficulty with interpersonal relationships for many different reasons and often lose marriages, family tires of us, friends push away, and it becomes a very isolating and lonely existence. I have a hard time including my family in my recovery because my fear if I disclose all my behaviors and patterns that they will "watch" and "monitor" me. I do not need someone to comment on what I should or shouldn't be doing. My therapist has taught me that we need to teach those that love us what their role is and what we need from them, so I try hard to specifically say "this is what I need from you _____".

Lucky said some great things above. What I would add in, that I would ask of my family members, is (however this may not be appropriate for every situation so please understand that it may not completely apply to your situation)
-Please don't comment on how much I did or didn't eat
-Please don't push me to eat more, eat what I'm not comfortable with, or go places that I am not yet ready to do
-Please talk with my treatment team to understand my disease and what drives this and why I do it and set boundaries on what your role needs to be in my recovery process
-Please try to be patient with me and not angry, this is as hard for me to live with as it is for you to deal with
-Please let me know you love me for WHO I am
-Please don't comment on my body and be careful commenting on how "good" I look, even if you are trying to reassure me that I am fine, that fuels the ED
-Understand there is a constant ED reel going on in my head, a never ending commentary that interferes with every interaction I have and doesn't turn off, EVER

I'm not sure if that is helpful but I think it is great he has someone like you that wants to try in any way you can. Just be aware, as Lucky said, that many people w EDs just aren't ready yet to heal, and it can take a long time, and is very exhausting and frustrating for our loved ones. Just remember we are living in a personal hell. There is a point though, especially when one's health is in imminent danger, that an intervention is necessary. It sounds though like he is already seeing someone? Does he have a treatment team that specializes in EDs? That is the most crucial as many well educated professionals are clueless when it comes to ED treatment.

Good luck!

@luckyempath I am so glad that you were willing to respond so kindly, and I have asked what i can do to help and saddly He said that he honestly told me he didnt know. And while there was a long awkward pause i did then tell him i was very greatful he felt that I was a person that he felt comfortable sharing that with, cause that couldnt have been easy. And from just feeling the waters He frequentally video calls me when he is eating dinner and i dont ever mention it or what he is eating but i think he feels better if I am there... Or at least I hope so....
And he does have a wonderful and qualified therpist he has been seing off and on for almost four years now, which I was very happy to hear :)
As of right now i dont think his physical health is a concern and While i am not with him all that much he decided to make the move back in with his parents and asked them to make a more ridged schedule for him to follow which seems so be doing wonders

@LP0126
Thankk you for explaining the intrapersonal conflict that comes up because my romantic Intrest he looked terrified when he told me, and i then let him talk as much as he wanted and he just looked so scared and i didnt want him to bolt so i talked as calmly as i could and asked if he wanted my help or if i could help.
And thank you I will try to keep all of your lovely bullet points in my mind especially since i am road triping with him this summer :)
And it did take him a fair while to receive treatment again but it was wholly his decision, and for this I was glad and i try to remind him that i find him to be a wonderful dork who i deeply care about as pftan as i can

Thank you two so much it has helped so much and I am so sorry you guys are 'going through a living hell' I cannot even imagine, but please if you ever need to talk, i have been told I am a great listener.... And you helped me so i would love to be able to help you in any way i can :)

Another statement I thought of as I read your response...it sounds like what you did was perfect, just listening and being "present". Often it helps me to say, "I don't need you to say anything I just need to tell you how I'm feeling." That is comforting for me to share with my loved ones and then they know they don't need to fix me, just their presence is appreciated.

Awesome Thank you so much, I really have been stressing a little over how I am handling it because I am in over my head, and All I can do in this situation is be there, hold his hand and hug him, honestly. And I make him Laugh, but that is really all I feel I can do, and I wanted to make sure there wasn't some 'magic' thing that I should doing to help, but so far it sounds like I should just listen and act when prompted?
And So far he has been doing fairly well, this isn't 'his first rodeo' as he puts it and he saw himself slipping fairly early on, and saught out help very quickly, which I am proud of him for :)

But he is becoming more open about his past experiences with his 'long term fasts' and at the end I usually tell him how I feel, about how it is scary to hear about, but I am glad he told me and I am glad that he didn't die.... Should I share how I feel about it would that scare him away?
sorry about all of the questions I just wanna do my best I can

Hi BionicNarwhal,

I wanted to chime in on this discussion, but firstly want to say that LuckyEmpath and LP0216 have given excellent advice. I second the suggestions they have given, especially about asking how you can help and just being present and listening. Even if he has initially said he is not sure how you can help, you can continue asking him (or even try asking what would not be helpful), or let him know that if/when he thinks of something you can do, to let you know. I think the most important thing is letting him know you are there and that you care. As LP said, sometimes it is not so much about "doing", but just about "being" there.

I am really glad to hear he is seeking help, as eating disorders are dangerous and require professional treatment. I would definitely keep encouraging him to continue treatment, and to let him know you are proud of him for doing so.

In regards to your question about sharing your own feelings with him, I think it is always good to be open in sharing your feelings. I think that by being authentic with him about your own feelings, even if they are not the easiest to talk about, you are inviting him to do the same with you.

I also just want to say that I really admire you for wanting to understand more about what your romantic interest is going through. You are a very caring and compassionate person, and he is lucky to have you. And please, feel free to continue asking questions...I don't feel at all like you are "intruding" on our group. I find this is a very supportive community and I think most, if not all, of us here are more than happy to provide our experiences and input to help others better understand eating disorders; they definitely do not affect only those who suffer from them, but also those who love those who suffer. We are happy to support you in any way we can.

P.S. Don't forget to take care of you, too. It can be easy when worrying and caring for someone else to forget about yourself and your own needs. But remember that you must care for yourself in order to be there for others. Self-care is important :)

Thanks WildFlowers,
I am really glad that so far everyone here has been super kind, I multiple times have tried this sort of thing before and it ended poorly. and I am so glad so far all I have gotten is great advice and care.

and I try to preform healthy self care, I am working on it still to this day, but Lucky for me My Interest, he actually helps me a lot with that ;)
but thanks for the support! <3