Hi Sweetie, i am heartbroken to hear of your struggles. You were foing so so well. And you are so so close to finishing this term . Please try to help yourself. I know words wont help you. But please allow yourself to succeed. You deserve it. You have done wonderfully well in Uni. Try and find a way to stop this restriction. I know you dont want to purge. This illness is crazy. I feel like Im talking to Soph. When it gets in your head its almost impossible not to listen. We all love you and care about you. Try and fight back and always be completely honest with all your doctors. Xxxx Beth xxxx

I don't know your history, but I have battled ed for over 6 years and still struggling. my thought is as much as you want to finish nthe course and get on to what you want to do, do you really think you will be able to do this physically without eating, or very little. you are showing signs of starvation and lose of energy, we do need some food for fuel. I know it is something you do not want and I can understand that, but I feel that going in the hospital would help you and then you will be able to complete your studies with hope, peace and your life. wishing you the very best.

You can do this. You have the power to change things around. No, it wasn't your choice to develop an eating disorder in the first place. But it is your choice to stay sick. Only you have the power to turn things around. I know it's scary, but isn't it even scarier to think of losing things to your ED? Think about all it has taken from you already...don't let it steal more of your life away. You know what you want, and what you have to do to stay in school and live out your dreams. You're strong, and I believe in you!

I've been really trying, I just haven't been able to put a single thing in my mouth other than water, ice, tea or diet soda. I can't even have sugarless gum anymore. My hunger is gone. I really want to get better, but I really am still stuck in the mindset of the ED. I know hospital will probably help this time more than others because I actually have that part of me that wants recovery. I've been trying to be as completely honest as I can with the GP and psychologist and stuff this time, its just not helping yet. I know its my choice to recover and I'm the only one that can make and let that happen, its just a very hard thing to let go of it all and let myself be free and out of that so called 'control'. I know it is starting to get at me physically, but if hospital will be the result, I will be very upset, but hopefully it will try to start getting me help and through this again. Thank-you all. xx

If you think the hospital would help you get in the path towards healing, then by all means, go. I can tell you truly want to get better and have the right attitude, so I think the hospital could really help. It's scary to have to give over control to someone else, but it's only for a short time, and in the grand scheme of things, will allow you control over ED.

School will always be there- your health is much, much more important. How can you focus and succeed in school if you're not well? I know how you feel though. I had to leave high school to enter treatment, and then again in college to get help. It doesn't mean you're a failure. The only way you could fail is deciding to do nothing and remaining sick. I don't think your family would be disappointed in you. They love you and only want the very best for you.

Thanks, and yes, letting go of control is a very hard thing to deal with. But I will have to trust that it will be for the best, and will move me onto my path for recovery again.

I know my parents will always be there for me, even if I don't want to be a nuisance or a hassle to them, but yes, they are very caring and I will try to let them support me with out hurting them even more.

True, if I think back in life, I guess not being able to complete this one course won't be the end of the world. Its just a course, and I can do it again. I think its better to be happy and healthy in life rather than successful, so I guess it's just up to me to learn to accept that and deal with our imperfections and recognise that everyone has them and everyone has their bad days. Stay strong all of you, even if I won't be here for a little while to talk to you xxx

you have done a lot of thinking about your situation and all that ED has done to you at this point. you seem to be clear in your mind about what is best for you and that is a huge step towards recovery. it is wonderful that your parents are behind you and supporting you I what you do, that is very special. if you do go to the hospital I think in your mind set right now, it would only be a positive experience and you will come out a happy, healthier woman. best of luck!q

Yes, I do believe the same way. I think that for recovery, although I am back in that phase of completely not eating anything and losing weight dramatically, at least this time I am there going to appointments and giving away some control by letting them do tests on me. I know it will still be really hard to go to hospital, or else what would be the point of me going, but hopefully if my mind doesn't change too much then this admission would be a lot better than the others.
Thankyou xxx

It is so hard getting started, because the starvation robs our brain of the ability to think clearly. Think about a little kid who is tired, and missed lunch. They are an absolute wreck! We might not be throwing a temper tantrum, but our brains are in pure survival mode, and our logical thinking gets taken away. Stress in school and family can add up too, I would often find myself in the worst bits of eating disorder hell during midterms, and the semester my mom was starting chemo (back in the winter/spring of 2010) was when I was purging two-four days a week. That's really the only time that I was big into purging thankfully. Even just getting an IV with some fluids and glucose will help your brain think more rationally, so that you can work on more long term solutions. You can do this.

I know it will be my ED speaking here, but I am what it seems, terrified of glucose, and multivitamins, and things that will get me better, it just frightens me that it will make me unworthy and disgusting.

My brain seems to be ok at the moment yes, but I guess that could my distorted thinking so I wouldn't be able to tell apart the difference anyway. Thanks MusicGirl and Ann and Beth, and everybody else, you guys really help me out, even if its not to start getting food into me, its at least helping me prepare for recovery and a more positive aspect and support to things.

Hi there. It is so interesting how things happen. I have not been on this site for a long, long time and then for some reason I came on here and saw your post and had to reply. I have been in your shoes! Dating back to when I was in high school when my bulimia started. I am now 43 and struggle with it on and off and am still seeing a therapist and belong to a popular organization that has turned my life around. In college I struggled with it but somehow made it through. I had give up certain things in college to make time for an outpatient treatment. My parents were very supportive but the hardest part is that they think once you get help you are cured. I managed to make it this far in life with my ED coming into and out of my life. I look back on those years and think about all of the time precious time I have lost in my life and wish I could do it all over again. I am listening to your posts and wishing you the very best! Please take care of yourself and try to recover. Whatever it takes so that you don't have to live the rest of your life struggling with this horrible disease. Remember it is not your fault that you have this. Noone would want this but we just happened to get it. I have found now that I am older that everyone in life has their struggles and issues. We ALL have something going on. So many of us walk around like life is perfect but it really isn't. So please know you are not alone!! No one is perfect and perfection is what got me into my disease I believe. I want to relive my youth so much but I now know that there is no sense in looking back. All I have is today and enjoy each day that I am alive. I now have been married for 10 years, have a beautiful daughter and home to live in and a wonderful family and I still get the urges to self destruct....why, I ask myself? I now have the tools to look at my ED and laugh at it and tell it to leave me alone. I wish the very best for you and hope that you can get help so that you can live a healthy and beautiful life! This disease is cunning, baffling and powerful and it has this way of only getting worse if we don't do something about it. Please contact me anytime for support! (sorry about the book I just wrote:)))

It is really inspiring to hear from someone like yourself who HAS moved on and HAS made a life from and after this. It worries me that you still do struggle because all I want is a magical cure and for it to never come back. But your reply definitely will be a positive and a strength to have on my side when going through the process of recovery. Thanks, I would love to keep in touch with you and share experiences and know that although we have the positives in recovery, to continue with it we have to know and acknowledge the 'negatives' or hard parts, to then accept them and move on from them to continue with the path to getting better.