Misred - I am going through this by myself. My parents are no longer living. My brother and sister would not begin to know how to help. I have lots of friends and they are all by my side emotionally and have been for many months now. But, to be able to share things with people who have actually been down this road or are in the midst, working with attorneys, dealing with all the issues that arise, etc. is extremely comforting to me. Unfortunately, you cannot always trust that your attorney has your best interests in mind. They have money in mind. Here, on this site, I have found people I can trust, people who are eager to help others avoid things they ran into during their divorces, people who know what it's like and what a lonely road it can be. I am so thankful to be there and so appreciative of those who know how to help.

Golden I understand going thru a divorce without family. My parents died many years ago. Dad first and then my mother ten years later. I was at the bottom of her favorites list. I had one friend in this town who I saw once a week. It took Divorce Care, my therapist and the Atty I was so lucky to have to get me thru my divorce. I found my atty thru a friend of a friend. I'm thankful for the blessings that come to me.

It took 19 long months to finalize the divorce. It was just me in the middle of 34 acres trying to make bare ground into a farm while trying to get free of the ex. There was no one offering help. Its not that kind of town.

I did it on my own terms. Every time a problem came up I would say "OK dad how would you handle this?" I'm all in or all out, there is no in between with me. I would have it all or nothing. Most of what I ask for and did was on trust.

I made it thru and you will too. You have so much more support than I did. Treat this like buying a house. You want more house for less money. Your alimony is the same. Above all don't let your stbx even think you might be scared.

Thank you, trisha. Unfortunately, my stbx does know I'm scared. I have made that mistake. No one has really advised me on how to deal with the stbx. I find that I keep contacting him because I haven't heard from my attorney and need to know if things are progressing(he can usually elaborate on what's happening from his end, i.e. whether he's talked to his attorney recently, etc.), or he's got info I need or we're still coordinating things like the sale of our house, what to do with the minivan that is no longer drivable but still in the driveway. The coordination stuff is going to have to continue for a bit. I guess I have to just pretend that I'm not freaking out even though I am.

My parents were not a huge help either when it came to the divorce part. I had to tell my Dad about the cheating or he would have tried to get us back together again. I spent most of my time here reading and posting. That is where I got the most support. I had no real close friends during the marriage. My EX was very jealous and suspicious of anyone who I befriended. I had work friends but we did not get together outside of work. I was responsible for the kids so there was no getting a sitter so I could go out with a friend. If he was around he did not watch the kids so I could go do something. A quick trip to get something or groceries, but that was it.

That is really awful, Mis. It sounds like you made a very good decision to get away from that guy. I was in a similar situation. My stbx didn't cheat but he created an environment at home that limited us in so many ways and unnecessarily I found out later when I saw his financial declaration.

Cut your contact with the stbx to a bare minimum. In fact you don't call him at all. Let him come to you. Don't give immediate answers. Give I have to think about this. That way you have time to make the correct decision. Text your reply so you aren't stuck in a conversation going no where. The best advice I can give, and it does work, is to keep your mouth shut and your ears open. Usually they will keep trying to get an answer and you learn what they really want.

No contact didn't work for me because of this farm. It was "him again" calling me appearing to be needy and wanting help. I acquired a lot of info just letting him ramble away on the phone.

Will do, trisha. I think that is wise. I hope I haven't revealed too much already. We just text mostly. He is using all the strategies you are saying I should use. So, I will just do the same. I so wanted this to be amicable. He seemed to agree for the sake of our daughter. But now, he seems to have convinced her that he is the good guy and so far, at least, she is believing him. She is pretty easily swayed. Now, what's happening is that he is only "pretending" to be amicable. His actions indicate quite the opposite.

Our EX's want to keep it out of court and negotiate because they are used to getting their way. I had to hang up on my EX a few times because he would bully me into what he wanted. He got angry when I wanted something differently. During conversations he would assume I was okay with what he wanted if I didn't flat out object right then and there. Some things you can't decide right away and take careful consideration. I can think of two times he accused me of "flip flopping" on (his words) because he read into things I said incorrectly or only heard what he wanted to hear. My last conversation with him last year he tried to bully me to agree to something and I just kept saying "I hear and understand what you are saying." Otherwise he thinks I'm going to do what he wants. Telling him no just leads to a huge argument. I don't have to do that anymore. If it does get out of hand I just say, "this conversation is getting to heated, I'm hanging up now" and I don't wait for a reply from him I hang up. That way he doesn't think the call just dropped.

So far, we haven't had any fights like that. He's a pretty unemotional guy. What's scary about him is what he doesn't say. He's very quiet about things, deceptive, sneaky. He can act like he's being very amicable and actually be stealing the rug right out from underneath you. He is also very smart.

I suspect that when he starts hollering, we'll be making some progress, lol. I'm not really kidding though.

My ex was like him. Very quiet and unassuming. In the 33 years we were married we went out with another couple to eat once. I've never had a vacation. I was a valuable possession and he got very vindictive when the divorce was final. He hida lot from me and that's hard to do.

Yes when he starts getting upset you will know that you are hitting his wallet. They consider all money theirs and don't like to share.

Yeah, I'm thinking now I don't even know the half of it. I'm not sure I want to now. He's a very sneaky guy. Everything's a secret. He can't seem to function with hiding something from someone. He grew up that way. His mom taught him that lovely skill. I think it's a result of being anxious. He is also a very anxious person. Was your ex, Trisha?

My attorney would often not respond in the interest of keeping the billable hours down. Once I realized this was his motivation, I was grateful. So, I learned to keep a list of questions I wanted to ask for times when he did call or we met in his office. This kept the billing time down. If there was a genuine emergency, I would ask for his paralegal and let her know I needed an answer right away.

I hope this helps. Working with attorneys is always a challenge. I would be careful not to change attorneys too quickly. You could be deemed as a problem client and have a more difficult time obtaining a new attorney.

Best of luck to you.

Yes the ex appeared to be anxious at times but he also drank a lot of beer. He could appear to be many things depending on what was happening in his life.

Goldengirl:

Not only is it important for you to maintain an absolute minimum of contact with the stbx, it is VITALLY IMPORTANT that you keep your legal strategy close to the vest! Your situation is so similar to what I experienced with the now-X it gives me goose bumps! Of course, they are ALL reading right out of The Script, but that's beside the point.

Patience is key! I understand that you are concerned about what this is costing you (legal fees) so you're just going to have to sit on your hands and WAIT for your attorney to call you. Mine would wait until she had concrete information to get in touch with me. She mailed me copies of any and all correspondence received in her office within 24 hours of receipt (with the exception of anything I would find upsetting -- she would always call me before sending me, say, another ridiculous settlement offer or veiled threat).

When you feel like you can't stand it anymore, get on here and vent! Someone is always around to respond! xoxo