nothing changed, your spouse was keeping score over everything you did pro&con although they never told you,
they also never bothered to appraise themselves in what they did for you or the marriage

sad
and all too common

After marriage counseling failed, I left for a couple of nights hoping for some type of reaction. Nothing. About six months ago I gave him my wedding ring back.. still no reaction. I really felt that moving out was the last resort. How does one just give up after 20 years? I feel like I'm fighting for something he does not want (our marriage) and hasn't wanted for many years.. and I don't know why. Maybe I never will.

My ex checked out in 2003, it only got
Progressively worse until it became toxic.

Nothing i did or said made any difference,
the bottom line was i now displeased Him.

He wanted different and better and all was
My fault. I never got any of the memos.

((((((Hugs))))

He should have told you when he first felt there was a problem, but he didn't.
You can get marriage counseling, therapy, change who you are, get a new haircut, liposuction, breast implants....but you can't change him! If he doesn't want to make the marriage work, nothing you do will make the marriage work.
Try to make a new life for yourself that does not include him. Don't keep working to be what he wants, work on being who you are. Marriage does not define who you are. Go out and find what makes you happy. Stop wasting time trying to make him happy.
Sorry to be blunt. I know it is hard. You will probably never know why. Many of us don't.
I think you will find the best part of your life is ahead of you. Keep moving forward.
HUGS

I was with my X for 30+ years I could have stood on my head and spit nickels, old saying, and it wouldn't have mattered. What I realize now is he was never connected, and it is a blessing that he left me, even though I didn't feel that way last year. Now I can focus on me and my life and try to get healthier and enjoy my life. That's not to say I don't have meltdowns and questions because I do but I am trying to move forward and take care of me for the first time in my life, so I try not to think about the whys, what happened like I did before.
I hope you find your way, joining this group helped me tremendously.

It does get better after the divorce, work on yourself,
join FTF Support groups. I love www.divorcecare.org
They help with the grieving process.

I am now eight months no contact and i am finally
Detaching. I was in for thirty years. He found a gf
Also he was cheating in his heart for a long while
before he actually did anything.

Once They check out there is not much returning,
They have moved on. Someone on here said the
Greatest sin is staying in a checked out marriage.

It sucked my heart and soul dry. Now i have to
Rebuild back up with all the loving support i can.

((((( hugs))))

Yep, that's s what we had a checked out marriage!!

I was married 33 years when I chose to leave. I found my reasons for how the ex was behaving. I know he never loved me. Now,looking back our marriage started falling apart when I had our daughter.

I knew he had cheated early in our marriage but I didn't know he was and will always be a serial cheater. The company he worked for moved us around a lot. As he aged he got stranger. My ex is a Narcissist and they don't age well. I became a valuable possession that took care of home so he had a place to come back too. He expected me to overlook the bad things he did because I controlled the money. Someone had to pay the bills and that was what he expected me to do.

He totally checked out when he went to work overseas. Most of the time he was only home once a year for three weeks. Then the phone calls started. The Philippine woman wanting money to take care of their son. The time I called him in China and a woman answered his phone. I knew our marriage was over when I found the Chinese marriage license.

There was no fixing what was wrong with him or the things he had done that were so wrong.I'm doing okay now. It's been almost nine years since the divorce that took 19 months. There has been no contact with the ex since the last contempt hearing.

It took a few years to find myself again. I had to get all the way back to that 17 year old that worked in our family business. I found a therapist that helped me understand a Narcissist and how they think and use people. I went thru several sessions of Divorce Care.

I work hard to hang onto MY farm. My daughter has been back in my life for five years with two little ones. I don't mention her dad unless she does.

When your other half starts hiding what they are doing and becomes distant ; they are gone. They have checked out and sometimes have moved so far from who they were that the person you married isn't there any more. You just have to put yourself together again. The good parts before you married with the person you become after the ex.

It can be done with a lot of work and the proper help. I like who I am now. I love what I am doing. Life is good and I wish that for you.

I wonder if my ex is an narc, i just put
It down to his alcoholism. They are so
closely Interconnected. He has been dry
For thirty years. He still has an addictive
Personality So on it goes.

I give up trying to figure him Out. He is no
longer a real part of me, it still is taking me
Time and work to get there.

I really do not understand, it is what it is
Though. Not much i can do except go
forward and build a new happy life.

(((( hugs ))))

You'll come out of this stronger believe me. My wife detached and left 2 years ago, together 24 years. I've given up trying to figure out the whys because that's an exercise in futility and will just make your head spin off your shoulders. I've read enough to understand people change and check out all the time. You can't control them. I just know now I won't put myself in a position to be crushed again. I've already done the king marriage and raised kids and I'm pretty comfortable now just not dealing with someone else's drama and debts and problems.

** LONG marriage not KING marriage lol...are they ever gonna let us edit these
Posts???!!

Time to get your financial house in order and file for divorce after you have done your homework.

I can't say I've ever heard the term "checked out", but it seems to be a common theme in all replies. And now that I sit here and think about it, it totally makes sense. Back in 2010, I pursued a childhood dream in that I finished by BS degree. I am now in my early 40's and the youngest of three siblings and before I graduated HS, I made a promise to my dad that I would graduate with a BS degree, cap and gown. I spent many nights, weekend, worked full time (plus overtime and business travel) and totally devoted my time to finishing my BS.. and I was determined to get a 4.0. Well, I did just that. Graduation day 2012 comes.. a half hour before graduation my dad was not there. I asked my spouse to call him because I knew he was lost. After the ceremony my spouse threw his phone at me and said "here, your dad called." As I listened to the voicemails (yes, he called my spouse more than once), he was crying begging him to call back with directions. He was a mile away. As the tears started flowing I asked my spouse why he didn't call my dad back and give him directions and he replied "Well, I wasn't going to miss it." It was that moment that I knew he did not love me and it was over. I have spent the last 3+ years trying to "fix" our marriage, or maybe I should say make him love me.. As I read these replies in that he "checked out", I realize that happened and it's only me that wanted to save it. Today I start my path to healing.. stop wasting time on something he does not or has not wanted for years. I need to let go of the past and work towards my future. Thank you everyone for the support.

I'm in the 8th year of separation after/including 23 years of marriage. We spend weekends togeher and it seemed a spark. I'd been in individual therapy the whole time. The he started therapy and he was "finding himself" and I became a piece of dirt in his eyes. I still love him and he says he loves me but doesn't want to live with me.

Your observances are the witnessing of his behavior and verbal expressions of his wanting the marriage dissolved confirms his emotional disconnection. What most posters here evidently learn their spouse's behavior is contributed to the likelihood of there being someone else on the side.

There is reason your spouse is tight lipped and doesn't want you to know something. He is not going to disclose personal INFORMATION nor is he talking about his being transparent. Your husband has given verbal warning and has forecast his plans !!! Run and get yourself legal help to PROTECT yourself. Start digging for truths and do your paper trail of the money so that you can be in truth to what he wants.