LisaMarie:
I understand all the feelings you are experiencing -- we have ALL been there at one point or another -- but at the risk of sounding like a broken record, here's the best advice that I can give you.

At some point, you must STOP putting so much mental energy into what HE is doing and with WHOM -- especially with WHOM. The more time and energy you expend thinking these bitter thoughts, the harder everything becomes. Look at it this way -- if it hadn't been this bimbo, it would have been another one. If you need to be angry at someone - be angry with HIM -- he is the one who betrayed you and he is the one who broke your marriage vows. He will "get his" in the end at some point, you will come to see that it was all a GIFT for you. You may not be there yet, but I promise you -- take the focus off of them and put it on YOURSELF and your attitude WILL improve.

It takes time, distance and no (or absolute minimal) contact to gain the needed perspective to move on with your New Life. Those backward glances serve no purpose but to cause you inner turmoil. I don't recall how long you have been separated/divorced, but regardless -- a good counselor or therapist will help you get beyond this stage. Find one, my dear and do the hard work. It's well worth it in the end.

I will be keeping you and yours in my thoughts and prayers. Remember -- this stage of your life is temporary, but it's up to YOU to go ahead and make the rest of your life the BEST OF YOUR LIFE. xoxox

Honestly, what CGK said. And I know it is so hard this time of year.

Lisa if you need to look back and then dump your hurt on here then so be it. But look at what he gave up to have this other woman in his life. He's lost you and the respect of his children. His blame is just his way of not looking at what he caused.

You still have your wonderful children in your life and you do know that your life is better without him and will get even better as time goes by. You will get past this with each new holiday that passes. I know you are making new traditions for your family and that you are counting your blessings. The first Christmas season after a split from a spouse can be hard on the whole family. I can tell this may be a difficult Christmas for you. Vent when you need to and laugh when you can. Laughter got me thru some difficult times. All you can do for now is paste a smile on your face and count your blessings. On the 11th I will be divorced five years now and I can tell you that your life will get easier and better.

Hell, I know it hurts,but you'll be OK. Time to make this Christmas yours - with no stress... Enjoy your kids and screw him - he's a dick and doesn't deserve you. You'll get there honey. When you start thinking life is glorious for him - think again. The grass is not greener... trust me...

He has to live with his decision all the rest of his days.....it will NEVER go away...

(Hugs)

My dear friend, do you really think that they are happy together. Please any relationship that has its beginning based on lies and deceit is doomed. Either failure or being miserable with each other. I would not want to be in their shoes,not for one moment. Imagine always looking over your shoulder and wondering where they are, and who they are with. And what they are doing when they are not near each other. Not trusting and respecting people because they, themselves cannot be trusted and respected. You go to sleep with a clear conscience and so do I. But they cannot find any real peace and happiness with what they did. Remember that. When you see them, smile and slowly walk away. Try not to laugh, OK. That is what I did when I saw him and his mother. I just smiled, and could not stop giggling. Eating an ice cream cone too. You have everything, honour, respect and trust of your kids. That is priceless. Hugs

LisaMari it is very hard to read your hurt and pain. Remember this: you were abandoned by a man who is NOT worthy. It's just that simple. It's so easy for us (the one who is 'left' ) to feel that we were not good enough, that we 'lost' because we were not chosen. BS!!!! He is WEAK and he is SELFISH. He abandoned his old life, not just you hon! He ran away instead of being a real man and figuring out how to make his life work.

Like Knuckle said, he has lost WAY more than he realizes in these early days. He's still in the 'romance' stage of his new relationship....but that will fade. It ALWAYS fades. CGK is right - he surely will 'get his' in the end...and by then you'll have healed and moved on. He can't run away from himself! Any idiot can see that abandoning your spouse and kids is gonna have repercussions. It's just goning to be delayed for him is all. He'll get there, don't you worry. Karma is coming for him! A relationship built on lies and deceit is in for big challenges that few overcome.

He thinks that his kids don't matter because they're grown? HA! This is a delusional self-serving theory. Your ex is in for some hard life lessons and it won't be YOU teaching them. There are many members on this forum who will tell you that divorce and especially a cheating spouse does not go over well with adult kids. They draw their own conclusions. They see the truth. You can't buy back their respect once it's gone.

There will be better days ahead for you. The early days are tough and they are painful. But you need to move through the pain to get to the other side. That's the hard part. I used to say in the early days that I wished I could just time travel ahead 6 mths or a year and be done with the pain. But it doesn't work that way. You really do need to live through it and work through it. Trust me...you will come out stronger for all of that hard work. And it's work sister!

Hope that you and your kids and extended family can try to focus on what is good in your lives this Christmas season and be grateful for all that you have. He took himself away, but you still have each other and you always will! You are still a family without him! You're a good mom. You did not and are not running away. Your kids will respect you for that! Keep your eye on moving forward...tomorrow is a new day hon!
hugs of support!

I understand exactly how you feel. Last year was my 1 Christmas. I wanted nothing to do with Christmas last year and Christmas is my favorite holiday. I wouldn't watch Christmas television shows, listen to music, etc. I couldn't even go into stores without crying. I was a complete mess. I kicked him out in September 2011 for cheating for the 3rd time in 25 years that I'm aware of . He moved right in with her. He still denies the affair to this day - he thinks everyone is stupid and believes his lies.

Fast forward to this year. I am so excited about Christmas this year. I am in the process of moving as we speak. I have no money to buy presents. I'm not even sure we will have a tree. This year, I don't care about all of that.. I have learned which family and friends truly love me. I have had my share of betrayal this past year from in-laws, mutual friends, my dad and stepmother and my sister and brother-in-law. I was devastated, close to not wanting to live even a few months ago.

I had my breakthrough. It's all about the special people I have in my life. People that were only acquaintances have come out of the woodwork to support me in every way. I am so blessed. The stbx will never have that. He might have her, but no one respects him especially not his children.

I know that I know how to truly love and truly hurt. I am proud of that. I am proud of ME.

(((((LisaMariB))))) I can't add much to what has already been said. Everyone here has been in your shows.

I hope you can imagine me giving you a huge hug because there's nothing that beats someone loving you and understanding you. We all understand and it's easy to give you love.

Four years ago, I was where you are today with a few differences, but just as unhappy with my ex and feeling sad.

Just remember that cheaters and abusers like to turn the tables, to make you believe you are at fault and the cause of their bad behaviour. It's their favourite trick. Don't play his game.

love and hugs
kamary

shoes not shows. slipper fingers on the keyboard today. very hot and sticky :)

and again. slippery fingers. LOL. hope that's the last typo.

LisaMari...the reality of your situation is...your dealing with more than most. My heart goes out to you in a very big way. Dealing with the loss of our marriages was tough enough but having to deal with a severely injured child sets you apart from the rest. I can only imagine the pain you have suffered. You and your daughter are in my prayers.

When I read your posts I am left with awe. Wow...with all that your dealing with your making it. Your moving forward despite it all. Now...that takes courage and strength. One could say you have no choice but that is simply not true. You faced your obstacles and did what ever you had to do in order to overcome them. You did not run from them.

Your thinking of your ex and the OW is normal...we all have or are doing that. Its part of the process. Thoughts of them going off into la la land living happily ever after is very hard for all of us to comprehend...especially when you witness the wake of destruction they left behind in order to live this perceived life of joy and happiness. Especially in your case...he walked away from his daughter when she needed him the most. When his whole family needed him the most. He can pretend to be living this wonderful new life until the cows come home..but...that old saying holds true...you can run but you cant hide...his guilt will catch up to him and eventually eat him alive. You can count on that.

His new relationship is built on lies and deception. I have read many studies on these types of unions. Relationships built with these building blocks can not possibly hold the weight of any marriage...its life expectancy is 5 years. They have a 5-10 % chance of it actually working out. Thats usually when the cheater is forced to take a look at themselves and what they have done. Thats when they come face to face with who they truly are and what they have lost. Since this usually begins with mid life crisis...when they look at themselves in the mirror...they see this old man looking back at them...they are introduced to there own mortality. Where is my family????... becomes the question.

Try your best not to envy them. As the others have said...they are living in a house of cards. Your ex has shown you who he really is and as hard as that is to accept...accept you must. He has made his choices and you are left to make the best of it. That is the reality. Karma will knock on his door...you can count on that.

Work on you and what you want your life to become. Stay true to yourself and hold love in your heart. You are a very strong women and you are finding your way through this. Try to have the Merriest Christmas you can. Each year they become better and better. This is my 4th and I feel excitement...just like the good old days but with MY new traditions. I will have my whole family for Christmas...low and behold...my ex is not part of my family any more...ya gotta love indifference...Big Hugs...Kathy

Many insecure spouses get themselves entrapped into false deceptions, hook ,line and sinker, wanting their independence at any cost. They often make the good dream into bad [and the bad nightmare as good]. Think of it this way: A fully operational Rolls Royce is known to be a prized automobile but to an insure person, he decides it has no intrinsic worth because maintaining ownership is not possible. Regardless of what definition he may try to give it, the Rolls Royce hasn't changed in its worth.....and neither have you.

At best, disappointments teaches you who you are [or not] as well who your ex truly is [or not]. Learning of your ex's ability to switch off his family, says he can EASILY do the same to the next person . Such new relations are likely to crash and burn once real life crises knocks on his fantasy doors. [Everyone is right about this outcome!]

I understand the missing what you had of marriage, it stems from his LACK. At best, cherish your humble attributions and loving character helps your walk through the tunnel. Start rethinking and flipping the " devaluation and discard" script, it gives you permission to have cojones [ yes anger] to reject his fallout from penetrating your family's mental health. Knock him off your pedestal and de-glorify him.

Thanks everyone for words of wisdom...This morning when I woke up my sister called to tell me my dog of 17 years past away in her arms last night. I left him with her last October when I moved to Florida because I couldn't take the dog with me. She was his searagate mom. I last saw him on Thanksgiving when I went there for the Holiday. He was looking very fraile and I knew it was coming. I'm just at such a loss. It was our family dog and my husbands hunting buddy. He left him too when he started his new life. My daughter is the one who told him after several phone calls trying to get in touch with him since he was in Minnestota with his girlfriend said he was with her brother. Puke Puke. couldn't call back right away. Then I get a text that he kudos me for taking another thing he loved away...makes me sick. He chose to leave and now he still blames me even for this. We are spending Christmas at my sisters and it will be terribly lonely without our dog there. She has two kids and she and her husband are all devestated and heartbroken as well. Just another feather in my cap to this Christmas. I did find an old artificial tree from like 1982 and worked on putting it up in the house to keep me going. But its like another piece of my life has dissappeared. I just can't quit crying again. And I actually thought he was texting me to say I'm sorry about our dog hope the kids are ok...yeah right instead I get blammed for his decision. Just hurting so bad.

I had to put my 17 year old cat down this summer. I am so sorry!

I had to put my 32 year old horse down in February. I'm very sorry for your loss and I know this hurts. I didn't call the ex to tell him about our old horse and he told me I should have. The ex lost that previlege to know what is happening in my life and on this farm.

So has your H lost the right to know what you are doing and what is happening in your life. I don't remember if you are divorced yet. At some point you need to tell him what an ass he is even if it's only quietly in your mind. That can be quite liberating. I tell the ex what I think of him often after a call about this farm and he never knows the ugly thoughts I have. Those are my personal thoughts and feelings and he's not previleged to know those.