At this point, COMPLETE SILENCE is a good thing!

Really MNMama. why?

Because silence is golden. Let him worry about what is going to happen. If you don't talk to him you don't accidently say something you shouldn't.

This gives you time to pull yourself together and start caring for yourself. I'm sure MNMama can answer much better than me.

I just extolled the virtues of "going dark" in response to your other discussion topic. By going NO CONTACT, it gives YOU an edge -- saying NOTHING makes them wonder what you are up to. It gets them off balance. You need to speak with your therapist and ASK for help with dealing with the inevitable obsessive thinking that can consume you at this point. Most of us have gone through it and lived to tell about it, my dear. We are all here to help you!

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. xoxo

Anything he says to you will probably cause you more pain than good right now, and you don't need that. He's already demonstrated an inordinate amount of skill at manipulation, lies, deception and the ability to make you second guess and doubt yourself. There is no reason to allow that to continue.

Talking to him will accomplish nothing for you at this time. Let the legal team do the talking for you. That will, like Trisha and Kathi said, give you time to take care of yourself, get yourself started on the path of healing and moving forward with your life. It also allows you time and space to think clearly, to decide what's right for you, with a clearer head than if he were in there messing around with your mind again.

Maybe, someday, when you're well into your new normal, you may want to speak with him again, but not now. He's messed this up royally. Let him deal with his own crap. You take care of you and leave him out of it for now. He can't help, he won't help, he only has the capacity to hurt you right now.
Take care and take care.... of yourself.

Getting so angry thinking about it. He didn't have to say the things about her to me that he did. He didn't have to say that she was VERY pretty with a wistful smile, right in front of me. He didn't have to describe her or even tell me about her great qualities. He should have SHUT UP! or lied! There would be no way of me knowing if he thought she was pretty. You know, who does he think he is? He has never once tried to spare my feelings. It's like another person here said, I am to him INHUMAN. There is nothing that can be said to me that is too much. I have to take it. What an abusive, nasty piece of garbage! He didn't have to smile and get that look in his face as he was thinking about her when he said she was VERY pretty. Well, no problem because I am also very pretty and once I get myself together I am going to be smoking and guess what? I will find a man who thinks I am very pretty! What a nasty loser! hope she gives him the crabs

It's to its core just abusive behavior designed to make me feel lesser than. He never made me feel good about myself. Always made me feel that he can do better than me and frankly if you saw himl, he looks like a crack addict. He's got a big nose, a flat ass and a hairy back. He actually looks like Adam Sandler, not to mention the crooked teeth and no muscle arms. Can't believe this loser has found not one but two women looking to put up with his crap. Well no more. I refuse to be in a love triangle where he is the prize. She can have him. Nasty wretch. It's just little by little trying to make me feel like garbage. She's tall, she's young, she's very pretty, she's sweet, she's got a fertile womb. Well good for her. She's also a low down good for nothing cheater who is so desperate as to spread her legs for a married man who looks like an crack addict. She's so desperate that at the age of 30 after only knowing this loser for less than 4 months, she's professing her undying love. At least it took me 22 years!

Good for you. Finally you see the light and are angry. You use that anger to motivate you to make a better life for yourself. Anger used constructively is OK as long as you don't wallow in it. You will know when to let the anger go.

PU, you can't believe a word he's saying. It's all posturing and deliberately intended to upset you and get you off-kilter. Also, it sounds like he may revel in knowing you're jealous?

You're right. He does not deserve someone like you who loves deeply and loyally. You are worth far more than that.

A good healthy anger will help to burn that old image of him from your mind. That guy isn't there any more. This new guy is not only unattractive on the outside - he is also unattractive on the inside. He thinks he's winning by being awful to you, but in fact you are winning because his words and actions are turning you off him big time.

I think Trisha's on the track. Use this anger to get your exit plan together. See your legal rep about how to proceed to your best advantage and get things moving towards gaining your freedom.

Silence and no contact except for legal reasons frees you up to start your journey forward. He's doing it to be mean, but you can go no contact for your own peace of mind with no hurt intended, and it will drive him crazy because he won't be getting his power hits.

You're doing really well. It's good to see you getting stronger.

love and hugs
kamary

You're thinking he wants to speed divorce up because the OW might possibly be pregnant could be true. For sure, it surely indicate he's busted. The fact he explicitly requested you not to text or contact him says he's busy hiding his face.....for good reason , guilt is usually the motive. So yes, you are correct, cheaters usually do want you and their exposure to disappear as quickly as possible. This is their typical script. My ex played this role and did try to get the judge to press charges of harassment. Heaven, I was a newbie blindsided at the time reaching out and hadn't yet discovered my ex's serial cheating truths. The light bulb went off the moment I became aware dick was bonking around turned me 180 around.

My suggestion is that you reframe yourself from imploding out verbal insults and start putting your ATTENTION insisting your stbx needs to "show you the money". You do not want to threat your opposition before settlement. Zip your lips and hire your professionals to talk. Forget fighting with words, rather harness your emotional anger by REMOVING YOURSELF.

The girls are right...there is only one thing and one thing only that he will be hurt by at this point...thats the pocket book. It's also written in this script that all cheaters read...I owe her nothing...I worked for the money...its mine and she aint getting a dime!! Fighting for your rights financially and receiving your fair share of the assets will hit him right between the eyes. Fight for alimony if you qualify. I'm not saying to try and rip the man off...I'm saying get what is your fair share under the law...all of it!

I've been where you are right now concerning the OW and the smirks...I would bet my bottom dollar that 2 or 3 years from now...he wont be smirking. He...like most runaway's...seldom does the split up relationship work out...think about it...its been built on lies and cheating rather than trust and honesty...it wont be long and suspicions and mistrust will infiltrate that relationship...its pretty much doomed. If you find yourself in the position of having to hear his garble again...muster up all the strength you have...smile and say " I'm happy for you"...then walk away. Best case scenario is No Contact...Big Hugs...Kathy

I can't add anything more. You've been given great advice, but I just have to say NO CONTACT is the best way to go as it allows you to truly focus on YOU. Leave him in your rear view mirror and don't look back!

I think Dairytech's advice from her councilor is great! And I know exactly what you are talking about .I do the same thing to myself at times. But I then pull out my Reasons I'm Better Without Him list and read through the whole thing. And then I picture him doing the exact same thing to her!! Because liars will always lie and cheaters will always cheat!! So she is just getting a rerun of the same thing he put you through! Eventually he is going to return to his old habits, but this time it will be even easier to cheat and move on because he has done it before! So look forward and be thankful you don't have to put up with it anymore!

No contact is always the best way to deal with narcissistic cheaters because they like "kibbles" (chump lady term). He likes being central and every time you pay him even the slightest bit of attention, he wins. Don't let him win. Freeze him out.

He sounds like a grade A loser so this other woman has done you a giant favor by taking him off your hands. Now you are free to live the life you want to live. He sounds horribly abusive from everything you've written.

If you had a really good friend or even a sister telling you the same things about their husband or significant other, what would your advice to them be? Would it be to go no contact and never look back? If it is, then be your own best friend and follow that advice.

Sending support your way. You got this girl!
ilostitinthedivorce.com

thank you guys. I AM working so I can have a better life. I have been reading a lot. I am starting to think (and I hope it sticks) that the other woman is a FIGMENT OF MY IMAGINATION. Meaning, she is to me what I make her out to be. I would like to ask THE PERSPECTIVE OF A MAN (so maybe Timeman), how much is it of a GIFT to know the woman you are lying down next is is 100% faithful. You can trust her. She won't cheat on you. And how much of a GIFT is it to know the woman you are lying next to will never leave you, if you get sick she'll LOVINGLY change your diaper or stick by you and never leave you? I think in life, THESE ARE THE THINGS WE LONG FOR.. I may be wrong. BUT, I am starting to REALIZE that MEN (and women) treasure these things and they are the foundation of love.
I OFFERED THOSE THINGS TO MY STBX. He said it wasn't enough.
You know what I DIDN'T GET THAT FROM HIM BUT HE GOT THAT FROM ME. He cheated and he left. So you see, I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. I didn't have that with him. He has EVERYTHING to lose because he had that and he threw it away. Perhaps, this OW or someone else will give him that again, but I doubt it. You see, it is ME that he will in the end be enslaved to. ME. I am going to be the one who got away--the one who loved him unconditionally and he could trust. And wait till I get that PHD and that full time job! And I plan to look AMAZING! Hitting the gym soon. So, it's tough but if a man, A MARRIED MAN, can ask a woman out on a date; plan it; bring her to my home and have sex with her; sleep with her in my bed; run over the bridge to comfort her while he leaves me waiting for 2 hours, THEN he belongs to her, not me. Let's see how this story ends; my side is yet to be written. Yes, there are many tears still. Physcially feel that my heart will break. There are days when I really doubt myself. What if he is right? What if I am a mess forever? What if I don't find anyone and will be alone forever? What if I will always love him and never be at peace? What if I find a man who beats me? All the things that are calculated to kill your soul. But what if I become a professor and have a full time job with benefits? What if I change the lives of my students? What if I stand on these two feet? What if I try to be that girl I always want to be. I have come a long way since I started posting here. I got a drivers license so now I will never be immobile. I am living without him. I got a job and I do it competently! I am putting one foot in front of the other and getting up everyday. I have plans for my future. I have a hope of being a competent, independent woman that no man will ever throw out of his home. I will one day OWN my own home. These are my dreams. I have built my dream home and I try to remember that it isn't asking much to have someone care about you and not leave you when you are down. Love is not the good times; it is sticking through the bad. There are no limits on the bad. That is life. don't get to get 4 bad moments in 22 years and that is my limit. I should get a man who smiles at me and is proud that I loved him and never left his side. The other woman is just that. I WILL BE THE GHOST she will never match up to. He hurt me. he wounded me. He used me and he discarded me. The universe does not reward someone who INTENTIONALLY breaks another human being. I simply don't believe it. So, my friends, I say this prayer for all of us: over father who art in heaven; hallow be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done.