I am sorry, I have been fortunate that I have not had the obsession part from my stbx wife's infidelity.

She was adamant bout divorce and there being no one else, a half truth as there was someone else.

I think once a spouse is "adamant" they have checked out a long time ago and most often have already checked in with someone else.

For me, I cam to se it as a plane crash that I could either keep lingering around or I could crawl away from it, I hope you find some way towards similar

One thing I learned when going through the Divorce from Hell is this:

If their lips are MOVING they are LYING!

As to getting those images out of your mind, try picturing the two of them in an extremely unhealthy relationship while envisioning yourself FREE of such a coward!

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
xoxo

Rather than obsessing over the comparisons of the OW, maybe you should pay attention over the fact that despite your stbx's confession, he is now trying to rewrite history as IF THE EVENTS DID NOT HAPPEN. [hum, hum, hum!] The motive is to alter and question your state of reality mostly! It's the common game of "out of his sight" and therefore, "out of his mind" as a way to avoid his consequences! There are psychological studies of cheaters who get an egotistical reward [aka sense of happiness] when they avoid consequences. Most spouses wouldn't dare crack a smile, least speak about the OW, is pretty dang arrogant.

I agree with Kathy. God has blessed you. Now you are free. Be thankful!!!

I am sorry. I was married for 33 years, but I am delighted to be rid of him. My life is infinitely better now.

All my best wishes for you.

I agree with cowgirl, he's a liar. Always remember this going forward. You can't trust anything that he say is truthful. He broke faith with you, you both know it, and now he'll scramble and take the easy way out, say hurtful things, almost do anything in order to hide from what really went down.

Toby nailed it - cheaters always try to re-write history as if what happened really didn't happen. I suppose it's human nature somewhat, when you know that you did wrong and truly hurt someone who you once cared about. He can't live with himself thinking that way, so....he makes up a scenario that he CAN live with. He starts to demonize YOU and things that you do or have done, he attacks parts of your character. He reacts with disgust or pity when you fall apart. You become almost inhuman to him. Sorry hon, that sounds so very harsh. But I do believe that's what cheaters do. Many of us here have experienced it.

As for the imagining them together, all the scenarios, I think that's just part of the process hon. I went through that stage for sure! When he took half of our belongings, moved out one of out leather sofas, I kept imagining MY sofa in her house. It all seems so surreal doesn't it?!

It takes some time for the new reality to sink in. When thoughts of 'them' start crowding your brain, you need to do something to change your thought pattern. I'm sure there are strategies to do this, but I can't think of a darned one right now! I hope someone else will chime in here. I will finish by saying that you need to start telling yourself that you wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you! THAT would be hell. They deserve each other. She's likely a cheater or person with now values or morals anyway. They'll have their little romp and then......it'll end in a fiery ugly mess is my guess.

Hugs of support honey!

What helped me in my situation was to remember that it was my ex that did wrong...not the OW. The truth is...if my ex truly loved me...the OW could have danced around him naked and he wouldnt have acted. We spend way to much time blaming the wrong person...the blame rests solely on our ex's shoulders. I agree with Kathi and Toby...cheaters need a reason...if they cant find a valid one...they make it up and often twist truths...it sucks and its very hurtful but its what they do. And YES...if their lips are moving they are lying.

One of the tricks my counselor taught me was the stop sign...every time my thoughts went to them...I would imagine a big red stop sign in my mind and I would change what I was doing and do something else. Hobbies are also helpful...I built gardens, greenhouses, flower beds and even a basement suite in my home during the first 3 years...it helped tremendously. Also...getting a pet helped...I got 2 small dogs...it allowed me to physically nurture them as well as myself. Another trick was the rear view mirror...think of your life and what your going through as driving a vehicle...its ok to quickly glance through the rear view mirror...your past...but not for long...because you need to keep your eyes and mind looking and thinking forward to avoid trouble and possibly miss your life turn. These are just a few things that helped me get through all the crap divorce brings...I hope it helpful...Big hugs..Kathy

I truly feel for you, and I know the pain you're feeling very well. My husband of 24 years left me for another woman he met in a community choir. I obsessed relentlessly over the very things you mentioned. I tortured myself with those images and ideas for nearly 2 years. And, while I'm much better now, I still have a momentary visceral reaction to anyone I see who resembles her, and she lives two states away. I think that's something that only time can heal. But, in the meantime, perhaps this article might help you to see what others here have already pointed out: just because he says all is grand or you picture it that way doesn't make it so.

I know I tend to look at things from an analytical or scientific viewpoint, which isn't always helpful. But, in this case, I think it might help a lot. Here's an article I found about mate poaching and the true consequences of it: http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-16016/stealing-someone-elses-partner-doesnt-work-heres-why.html. Be sure to click through the highlighted links to the research behind the article. In short, stealing someone else's mate generally always ends with relationship dysfunction and dissatisfaction.

So, those happy Hallmark moments you have playing in your head like a movie aren't real and probably never happened and never will happen. For whatever reason, that helps me to better deal with things. I hope it helps you, too,

Hugs to you,
Kim

He might swear he doesn't want a "project" referring to the OW couple weeks ago.... but a few weeks is not so long ago ! But who is he kidding , downplaying and reconstructing the seriousness of his extra-marital affair to be diminutive and irreverent? I'm confused, is he trying to keep you in marriage by talking you out of his consequences as if he intents on staying? Sounds like to me, he's trying to make you gravel on your knees.

I'm glad you're posting, I know it helps to "talk" things out, but I think having a professional, someone to give you tools and develop your skills to get through this would be a really good idea right now.
Our imagination can really mess with our heads, especially while we're in over our heads in co-dependency. When we're in this crazy place, we need someone that can help us back off, gain some objectivity, and start to act to help ourselves. If we don't we're going to spiral into a much darker place.
I'm sorry you're going through this, and I hope you find the help you need to stop the endless mind games, both from him and in your own head.

He is a lier liar who lies. Sorry about your situation. My ex lied thru his teeth, used me and then threw me away. :(

Remember that cheaters always rewrite history and reconstruct their lives to show only the positive, not the negative. Do not be so certain that what he is saying is the truth. Just remember, this woman is UGLY because she has no personal integrity.

When you find yourself obsessing about them, find something to occupy your mind--talk a walk, engage in an activity or hobby, clean the house--anything to stop the "stinkin' thinkin." I used to do the same thing early in my separation and this is what I had to do to get images out of my mind. It may help you.

Sending hugs!!!

thank you guys. I have started seeing a therapist. I see her once a week through school. It's not great. She just lets me talk and offer no suggestion. I don't know if this is what it is supposed to be like. Thank you for the link, Kathi. I have several updates. I have had NO CONTACT with him for 5 days! It's killing me and right now I am hyperventilating, so I am posting here. The last straw was Friday when he emailed our mediator saying he wanted to speed things up and sign off on a final decision. He even said he is not waiting the 6 months so I can get health insurance coverage. Well this got the best of me. I called him and cursed him out, I yelled at him at the top of my lungs and I threatened to really play hardball. I told him I don't plan of being friends with a monster who has treated me this way. I think there are 2 reasons he wants to speed things up: she's pregnant or he wants to meet her family for thanksgiving and wants to say the divorce is going through. maybe she has put her foot down and said she won't sleep with him until he filed? Don't know but it hurts like hell. he was so nasty to me the last time. Told me NOT TO TEXT HIM and that I am harassing him. I was so embarrassed for myself. So I haven't contacted him in 5 days! Something strange has occurred though. Since he sent that letter to our mediator on Friday, she has responded that it isn't possible to do it on that timetable. I also sent my w2 form and a follow up response to her email yesterday. BUT THERE HAS BEEN COMPLETE SILENCE FROM HIM. He has not even responded to the emails. Not a word. I don't know how to react to this. One, I hope he hasn't hurt himself (yes, I am stupid) or I guess he's got something up his sleeve. His lack of answer scares me.

5 days!!! You're doing great! Let the lawyers deal with it from this point on. He's showed his true colors. Who cares about HIS time frame? NOONE.

If you don't feel you're getting what you need from the therapist you are currently seeing, find a new one. Don't feel bad doing it. This is about YOU and your life, not theirs.

Big hugs to you.. and BREATHE!

Dear Starting over, your response came like a breath of fresh air. I have been hyperventilating. The memories of the mundane things is driving me crazy! I am trying to be productive, doing something but I can't escape. Thank you so much for the lifeline.