Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Hi everyone! I have been going through a surprising couple of months that I didn't expect. I have been separated now 18 mos. (no contact) after 33 year marriage and at first was devastated and shocked and thought about how much I wanted to die. Then I went to groups, therapies, read books, etc. and felt much better and stronger. Grew to feel so independent and had hope for the future. Experienced a few bad times but they passed fairly quickly. I keep so busy with work and friends. Had only 1 or 2 dreams about ex but nothing significant.
But, the past month or maybe more, I have been so lonely and wish I was still married. I miss coming home to someone and having a reason to cook a nice dinner for. I miss watching tv with someone and going out to dinner on weekends. I miss the whole family being together because now we each see our kids separately and I feel like I should be there and not left out when he comes to my daughter's to visit them. I miss so many things that I had for soooo many years. I am even backsliding and thinking that I could have done things differently so my ex would not have hated me at the end. He didn't have anyone else so instead he left just because of me. That will probably never stop hurting me to the core. I didn't think I was perfect but I thought he loved me just as much as I love him. I only wanted to go old together and enjoy our kids and grands. I still love him although he treated me horribly when he told me he wanted out. I definitely deserved to be left in a much more kinder way than I was. He was someone I barely recognized not the unselfish husband I used to have.
I have been depressed and anxious lately that I will never be happy again or have someone special in my life again. My social involvement is becoming less and I would rather stay home alone with my dog more. I feel like I am forcing myself to do anything but it is not in a joyful manner. I have dreams now after all this time of my ex and I talking and me wanting to get back together with him saying maybe but keeping me at arm's length. That is how he was in the marriage I realize NOW. While I thought we were in love together he did always make me feel that in someway he wasn't totally in it like me. He made me think that I was insecure, told me he loved me, but it always was in back of my mind and I just pushed it away. Now I think that he loved me at the beginning but stopped loving me and pretended he did for so many years due to our 3 kids and financial concerns.
How pathetic does that make me feel? Very because while I professed my undying love and loyalty to him he was making excuses not to be intimate (and I believed him) because the reality would have been too painful. He was distant yet very much a generous and loyal husband. He did everything for me and everyone told me that I had a wonderful husband and I agreed. But the subtle signs were there and I ignored every one of them because I REALLY believed we loved each other and I never ever considered not being together forever. He is the one man I ever loved. I still am shocked and wish I knew why this could have happened to me. Could it ever happen again? Could I ever love another like that? I have been on 4 dates with 4 different very nice and respectful men (from match) but I felt nothing at all. Usually no one but 20-30 yr. olds and over 70 contact me or losers -ex. "Hey baby -you are gorgeous...." contact me. I am feeling like I am not worth too much lately. I know I am a kind and fun person but these guys can't see past the photos.
Anyway, I know you all have felt some of what I wrote but I needed to write this out. I have not been writing about my feelings for a long time but do try to write to some of you to offer support but I have been down lately so I have not been doing that either so much lately. Also I am so busy with 2 jobs that I do not have time. These past 2 weeks I have been home from school due to snow and ice. The buses don't run for the kids if there is any ice. Here in Raleigh they don't have the capability to clean up quickly and there are still icy back roads.
I hope everyone is doing well and staying warm and safe if you are in bad weather conditions (Cowgirl Kathi - don't rub it in :)
I wrote to after27years but we have not heard from her lately. If you read this 27 years know that me and others are thinking about you and hope you are doing better.
Timeman Bob, I think about you too and hope you are OK.
Everyone else - thanks for everything - I consider you all good friends to take the time to help me and others.
Many hugs,
Donna
But, the past month or maybe more, I have been so lonely and wish I was still married. I miss coming home to someone and having a reason to cook a nice dinner for. I miss watching tv with someone and going out to dinner on weekends. I miss the whole family being together because now we each see our kids separately and I feel like I should be there and not left out when he comes to my daughter's to visit them. I miss so many things that I had for soooo many years. I am even backsliding and thinking that I could have done things differently so my ex would not have hated me at the end. He didn't have anyone else so instead he left just because of me. That will probably never stop hurting me to the core. I didn't think I was perfect but I thought he loved me just as much as I love him. I only wanted to go old together and enjoy our kids and grands. I still love him although he treated me horribly when he told me he wanted out. I definitely deserved to be left in a much more kinder way than I was. He was someone I barely recognized not the unselfish husband I used to have.
I have been depressed and anxious lately that I will never be happy again or have someone special in my life again. My social involvement is becoming less and I would rather stay home alone with my dog more. I feel like I am forcing myself to do anything but it is not in a joyful manner. I have dreams now after all this time of my ex and I talking and me wanting to get back together with him saying maybe but keeping me at arm's length. That is how he was in the marriage I realize NOW. While I thought we were in love together he did always make me feel that in someway he wasn't totally in it like me. He made me think that I was insecure, told me he loved me, but it always was in back of my mind and I just pushed it away. Now I think that he loved me at the beginning but stopped loving me and pretended he did for so many years due to our 3 kids and financial concerns.
How pathetic does that make me feel? Very because while I professed my undying love and loyalty to him he was making excuses not to be intimate (and I believed him) because the reality would have been too painful. He was distant yet very much a generous and loyal husband. He did everything for me and everyone told me that I had a wonderful husband and I agreed. But the subtle signs were there and I ignored every one of them because I REALLY believed we loved each other and I never ever considered not being together forever. He is the one man I ever loved. I still am shocked and wish I knew why this could have happened to me. Could it ever happen again? Could I ever love another like that? I have been on 4 dates with 4 different very nice and respectful men (from match) but I felt nothing at all. Usually no one but 20-30 yr. olds and over 70 contact me or losers -ex. "Hey baby -you are gorgeous...." contact me. I am feeling like I am not worth too much lately. I know I am a kind and fun person but these guys can't see past the photos.
Anyway, I know you all have felt some of what I wrote but I needed to write this out. I have not been writing about my feelings for a long time but do try to write to some of you to offer support but I have been down lately so I have not been doing that either so much lately. Also I am so busy with 2 jobs that I do not have time. These past 2 weeks I have been home from school due to snow and ice. The buses don't run for the kids if there is any ice. Here in Raleigh they don't have the capability to clean up quickly and there are still icy back roads.
I hope everyone is doing well and staying warm and safe if you are in bad weather conditions (Cowgirl Kathi - don't rub it in :)
I wrote to after27years but we have not heard from her lately. If you read this 27 years know that me and others are thinking about you and hope you are doing better.
Timeman Bob, I think about you too and hope you are OK.
Everyone else - thanks for everything - I consider you all good friends to take the time to help me and others.
Many hugs,
Donna
I'm pretty new here, and divorced a year and a half now. Much of what you wrote resonated with me. Even though we were little more than room-mates the last decade, I miss his companionship, the stupid jokes, cooking for each other, someone just to say good morning to.... Although the cat and Shi Tzu are nice to hang out with, they aren't much good at conversation.
This time of the year, it's really hard to get out and about anyway, so it's easier to stay in, and that doesn't help with the depression and loneliness. Looking forward to spring, more sun, warmer, getting out again. Even if it's not with someone, it's easier to not feel lonesome in a nice setting.
Thanks for sharing and expressing some of what I feel.
I found that the first year and a half, I was concentrating on getting over the pain and hurt. I would notice every step forward that I made, and I would constantly tell my best friend that I had turned a corner
I was always surprised when I felt even better, or realized that I was better than last month.
then at my two year mark, I suddenly got very depressed.
I eventually saw that it was because I was no longer in the grieving process, but was now in the what the heck will life be now process.
It took me another six months at least to get through that phase.
Remember as cliche as it is, this is a journey not a race.
Because of the problems with my 4 adult daughters since the divorce, it's just made the pain continuous and I know deep down if their father had not divorced me , I would still have the close relationships with my daughters I used to have. THAT pains me more than anything, so at times keeps me from truly enjoying my new life when I know what "could have been" had we still been a family. Holidays and my daughters visits are the worst due to their favoritism of their father.
I had no one in real life to turn to who was like me. All my friends are still married, so this board would have been really helpful. I'm glad YOU have it during this difficult time because so much of what you wrote, many of us have also felt.
You are absolutely not alone in your feelings. {{{HUGS}}}
This time, I'm trying to let the feelings come full force and understand where they come from. Not only am I learning a lot more about myself, but it's helping to diminish the sting. I was feeling really bad about myself for backsliding. Then, I realized that it's completely okay to feel this way. It's all part of the journey to healing. It's going to happen to us all, to a certain extent. So, this time instead of beating myself up to be more positive, I'm learning to just be what I am, whatever that is. Some days I'm tired and angry, others I'm aloof and impatient. Whatever I feel, I just roll with it and let it play itself out. I still read books, but now I do so to really learn and understand rather than attempting to fast-forward my healing.
I think journaling is very important in this stage, it really helps to get all those feelings out. I also talk it out with myself. I know it sounds crazy, but when I'm alone, which is a lot, I talk out loud to myself. I scream, cry, bang my fists, whatever I feel I need to do to release the bottled up emotions. It really works wonders. I felt really self-conscious at first, then I read that psychiatrists encourage this method to really work through deep pain and trauma.
I sincerely hope that you will give yourself a pass and let your feelings and emotions come as they need to. I hope that in doing so, you will find the peace and lasting healing that you so richly deserve. My heart goes out to you. We have very similiar stories, and I know how much it hurts. I know you know that you aren't alone. We are all here for you. I am hopeful that this painful uprising in me is the last of my buried trauma and that, after I deal with it, I will finally be ready to move on with my life. Until then, I take it one day at a time.
Hugs to you, my friend. Take it one day at a time, and know that you are loved!
Kim
I haven’t seen anything from After27 either since her last journal entry, and I too hope she’s ok.
I think you need to go easy on yourself and be around loving people if you can.
I too am waiting for the sun and warmer weather.
Hugs Dee
You get that it's a process. Your note shows that you're making progress! Want to know what I am hearing? It's this: I am TIRED of this! I want love and companionship and security and.....my dream back!
We've all been there sister. It's okay. Hang in there. Re dating: There ARE good men out there (and ladies for you guys reading). I look at online dating like this: if I am online on a dating site, and I am a good person, then there surely MUST be others just like me out there! It's not easy, dating that is, but it can be rewarding if you do find a nice companion. If you're struggling right now, maybe wait until you feel a little stronger before venturing out again.
You are NOT pathetic! You loved and lost. It happens. It hurts. But you will come out stronger and more resilient on the other side. Believe it! Big warm February (almost MARCH!!!) hugs ((()))
Please don't despair--these down times are normal. You are likely working through something in your subconcious mind.
Sending healing hugs.
We can psychologically abuse ourselves assigning inappropriately our part [or lack of ] for the downfall of the our marriage. Thoughts of not being enough or didn't do enough can be a form of self debasement rather than from his poor choice. Since you inherently posses the "cookie" and while avoiding you , naturally you got mistreated. He pouted like a baby. Thank God you are free from his madness.
Could I ever love another like that? Who would want a suitor like the ex [Ewww] . Only if you LIKE being mistreated! I know what you mean, those of us can be a loyal breed to the bone. But you've seen the commercial : " Loves DOES NOT come first. First comes LIKE". It's a powerful message. Date men who rather LIKE YOU. It might require your date selector to be readjusted.
Maybe you'll never love someone like you lived your husband
Maybe that is a good thing
Maybe the man you live
will love you differently than your husband loved you (as in better as in for honest and true)
Maybe you are taking two steps backwards
Maybe you are missing what could have been
Maybe you are looking back at what you should have done
Maybe you area taking two steps backwards because you've
Come so far, with a real heart that questions itself because that us what genuine people do, you are capable of self reflection and foe whatever reason right now your Judgement is off
From your posts and replies, you are a genuine caring thoughtful upright person
There is no maybe in that :-)
I also have doubts about whether I can trust anyone enough to allow myself to fall in love with them, whether to take the chance on them. I am nowhere near ready and probably won't be trying match.com or any other online dating sites. I've made an appointment to start seeing my therapist again. I also think this is normal for those of us who have been married a long time, particularly if from an early age.
I get lonely too. I would like someone to share my life with, to cook for, to talk to, to go out with and all those companionable things. I think this is normal, too. Anyone who is single must wish for that at times. We weren't meant to be alone. We're social beings and we depend on shared energy for our wellbeing.
I am going with the idea that we will find someone if and when the time is right. We can't hurry that. We will find our authentic selves by dealing with these lonely and sad feelings as they come up, by learning how to be alone, how to like ourselves and our own company. When we do that, we'll do better at a relationship with someone special, too. The last thing I want is to rush into a new relationship and find that I have attracted and been attracted to the same sort of man!
I think you're lucky you have 2 jobs and are busy out in the world. I can't work for health reasons and I find it very quiet at times. I used to volunteer more and had to stop doing that for health reasons, too. I think I need to find another volunteer position that doesn't involve heaps of kids and the possibility of catching viruses.
I think it's important to hang onto those who love us, and try not to think too much about our exes.
We're all going to be ok.
love and hugs
kamary
But I know, this too will pass. For you and for me. We can take care of ourselves, and we have friends. We have family, we have co-workers, people to engage with. It's just a long winter..... Can't wait till my daughter comes home from college for Spring Break.
Hang in there xoxo
Unfortunately all the feelings that you have off and on will be there for ?????who knows when. Good news is they become less and less hurtful and for shorter periods of time. Look at me .....8 years ago my x left me and i'm remarried going on four years. I still have my moments here and there. But, that's OK because ...........because we .......are... human. Most of us here have been with our x for many years.......my God... Its only natural that we would think about them off and on. That's what I think......you're going be alright my dear friend........don't worry.
The day will come when it will be Donna's day...the day that you will go on with your life..........there's still alot of good life out there......good times....we must find them.....make them.......give them (Good times). a chance.....we must....life is just to short and precious ....not to...
Your friend..Timeman