Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Hi everyone! I have been going through a surprising couple of months that I didn't expect. I have been separated now 18 mos. (no contact) after 33 year marriage and at first was devastated and shocked and thought about how much I wanted to die. Then I went to groups, therapies, read books, etc. and felt much better and stronger. Grew to feel so independent and had hope for the future. Experienced a few bad times but they passed fairly quickly. I keep so busy with work and friends. Had only 1 or 2 dreams about ex but nothing significant.
But, the past month or maybe more, I have been so lonely and wish I was still married. I miss coming home to someone and having a reason to cook a nice dinner for. I miss watching tv with someone and going out to dinner on weekends. I miss the whole family being together because now we each see our kids separately and I feel like I should be there and not left out when he comes to my daughter's to visit them. I miss so many things that I had for soooo many years. I am even backsliding and thinking that I could have done things differently so my ex would not have hated me at the end. He didn't have anyone else so instead he left just because of me. That will probably never stop hurting me to the core. I didn't think I was perfect but I thought he loved me just as much as I love him. I only wanted to go old together and enjoy our kids and grands. I still love him although he treated me horribly when he told me he wanted out. I definitely deserved to be left in a much more kinder way than I was. He was someone I barely recognized not the unselfish husband I used to have.
I have been depressed and anxious lately that I will never be happy again or have someone special in my life again. My social involvement is becoming less and I would rather stay home alone with my dog more. I feel like I am forcing myself to do anything but it is not in a joyful manner. I have dreams now after all this time of my ex and I talking and me wanting to get back together with him saying maybe but keeping me at arm's length. That is how he was in the marriage I realize NOW. While I thought we were in love together he did always make me feel that in someway he wasn't totally in it like me. He made me think that I was insecure, told me he loved me, but it always was in back of my mind and I just pushed it away. Now I think that he loved me at the beginning but stopped loving me and pretended he did for so many years due to our 3 kids and financial concerns.
How pathetic does that make me feel? Very because while I professed my undying love and loyalty to him he was making excuses not to be intimate (and I believed him) because the reality would have been too painful. He was distant yet very much a generous and loyal husband. He did everything for me and everyone told me that I had a wonderful husband and I agreed. But the subtle signs were there and I ignored every one of them because I REALLY believed we loved each other and I never ever considered not being together forever. He is the one man I ever loved. I still am shocked and wish I knew why this could have happened to me. Could it ever happen again? Could I ever love another like that? I have been on 4 dates with 4 different very nice and respectful men (from match) but I felt nothing at all. Usually no one but 20-30 yr. olds and over 70 contact me or losers -ex. "Hey baby -you are gorgeous...." contact me. I am feeling like I am not worth too much lately. I know I am a kind and fun person but these guys can't see past the photos.
Anyway, I know you all have felt some of what I wrote but I needed to write this out. I have not been writing about my feelings for a long time but do try to write to some of you to offer support but I have been down lately so I have not been doing that either so much lately. Also I am so busy with 2 jobs that I do not have time. These past 2 weeks I have been home from school due to snow and ice. The buses don't run for the kids if there is any ice. Here in Raleigh they don't have the capability to clean up quickly and there are still icy back roads.
I hope everyone is doing well and staying warm and safe if you are in bad weather conditions (Cowgirl Kathi - don't rub it in :)
I wrote to after27years but we have not heard from her lately. If you read this 27 years know that me and others are thinking about you and hope you are doing better.
Timeman Bob, I think about you too and hope you are OK.
Everyone else - thanks for everything - I consider you all good friends to take the time to help me and others.
Many hugs,
Donna
But, the past month or maybe more, I have been so lonely and wish I was still married. I miss coming home to someone and having a reason to cook a nice dinner for. I miss watching tv with someone and going out to dinner on weekends. I miss the whole family being together because now we each see our kids separately and I feel like I should be there and not left out when he comes to my daughter's to visit them. I miss so many things that I had for soooo many years. I am even backsliding and thinking that I could have done things differently so my ex would not have hated me at the end. He didn't have anyone else so instead he left just because of me. That will probably never stop hurting me to the core. I didn't think I was perfect but I thought he loved me just as much as I love him. I only wanted to go old together and enjoy our kids and grands. I still love him although he treated me horribly when he told me he wanted out. I definitely deserved to be left in a much more kinder way than I was. He was someone I barely recognized not the unselfish husband I used to have.
I have been depressed and anxious lately that I will never be happy again or have someone special in my life again. My social involvement is becoming less and I would rather stay home alone with my dog more. I feel like I am forcing myself to do anything but it is not in a joyful manner. I have dreams now after all this time of my ex and I talking and me wanting to get back together with him saying maybe but keeping me at arm's length. That is how he was in the marriage I realize NOW. While I thought we were in love together he did always make me feel that in someway he wasn't totally in it like me. He made me think that I was insecure, told me he loved me, but it always was in back of my mind and I just pushed it away. Now I think that he loved me at the beginning but stopped loving me and pretended he did for so many years due to our 3 kids and financial concerns.
How pathetic does that make me feel? Very because while I professed my undying love and loyalty to him he was making excuses not to be intimate (and I believed him) because the reality would have been too painful. He was distant yet very much a generous and loyal husband. He did everything for me and everyone told me that I had a wonderful husband and I agreed. But the subtle signs were there and I ignored every one of them because I REALLY believed we loved each other and I never ever considered not being together forever. He is the one man I ever loved. I still am shocked and wish I knew why this could have happened to me. Could it ever happen again? Could I ever love another like that? I have been on 4 dates with 4 different very nice and respectful men (from match) but I felt nothing at all. Usually no one but 20-30 yr. olds and over 70 contact me or losers -ex. "Hey baby -you are gorgeous...." contact me. I am feeling like I am not worth too much lately. I know I am a kind and fun person but these guys can't see past the photos.
Anyway, I know you all have felt some of what I wrote but I needed to write this out. I have not been writing about my feelings for a long time but do try to write to some of you to offer support but I have been down lately so I have not been doing that either so much lately. Also I am so busy with 2 jobs that I do not have time. These past 2 weeks I have been home from school due to snow and ice. The buses don't run for the kids if there is any ice. Here in Raleigh they don't have the capability to clean up quickly and there are still icy back roads.
I hope everyone is doing well and staying warm and safe if you are in bad weather conditions (Cowgirl Kathi - don't rub it in :)
I wrote to after27years but we have not heard from her lately. If you read this 27 years know that me and others are thinking about you and hope you are doing better.
Timeman Bob, I think about you too and hope you are OK.
Everyone else - thanks for everything - I consider you all good friends to take the time to help me and others.
Many hugs,
Donna
I also think that I am missing the familiarity of being with someone since I was with him since I was 19. But although I sometimes think I would like to be with him again I really don't since he obviously doesn't love me and I deserve to be loved. I loved him so much that it is hard to believe he wouldn't want to have someone who loved him more than any other person on Earth. But that is his choice and I can't change him. Thinking back I was cheated out of a true loving marriage.
I absolutely know that I am not alone - we are in this experience together and I know that we will heal more and more in time. I think Kim's explanation of what is probably happening is right on. And I appreciate that many of you shared that what I wrote is something you have also felt. I thought my feelings were strange so thank you.
Once again you are all so caring, thoughtful and uplifting. I don't know what I would do if I wasn't on this forum. And for those of you who are in the beginning of this journey I feel sad for you because I know how hard this is but it really does get better. Just keep in mind that obviously it lasts for quite some time and even when you're feeling good sadness and regrets do pop up unexpectedly.
Much love and hugs,
Donna
Like what has already been said...we are social creatures...we have herd mentality...we are not meant to be solitary...we need that feeling of belonging and usefulness...its what we are made of...so having that desire to share one's life is normal...instinctual...if its not there we feel that hole...like something is missing...its all quite normal...Big Hugs...Kathy