#12 "it is unrealistic to think we will find someone to make us happy"

and selfish, in that the other person has to make "me" happy and what about them?
don't "I" have to make them happy?

If you're happy with where he's at, that's fine, but if you have to lower your expectations to meet his lower level of commitment and engagement, that sounds like pre-meditated resentments, a recipe for disaster.

I don't think it's anyone's responsibility to make me happy, nor is it up to me to make someone else happy, but if we're going to be together, we should be trying to make life better and more enjoyable for each other. Otherwise what's the point? We're better off alone. In my case, a lack of emotional connection or affection outside of the bedroom would be a deal breaker, it would make me feel like I'm being used, but I'm hyper sensitive to feeling manipulated that way due to a past relationship, so if someone else is OK with that, more power to them.

My grandmother used to say "No one is perfect, what you want to look for is the person you like with faults you can live with."

The other consideration is it's maybe good enough for now, but not forever. You may find you get enough out of the companionship and relationship for now, but you may find something better down the road, or even just outgrow him. If you're liking where you are, go for it. If you're not content, but OK, wait and see. If you're unhappy, kiss him goodbye, wish him well, and move on. Just stay aware and take care of yourself.

Your grandmother was a wise woman, MNMama!

Mnmama, yes your grandmother was was, but so are you! :)

Awe.... I'm blushing. Really, it's not me. If we stick around long enough, and survive enough of what this world throws at us, the lessons are learned, usually the hard way! The only choice I had about any of it is whether I want to try and work my way through it with grace, prayer and hope, or if I want to crawl into my own head, curl up and gnaw away at the old, bitter bones for the rest of my life.
I have too many friends that are stuck in the past, it breaks my heart for them. The people I admire that are full of light, wisdom and grace have all had their trials, and chose how they would move forward through them. I don't pretend to know much about anything I don't have direct experience of, but someday I hope to be like them. Until then, I'll keep bumping around in the dark, looking for the flashlight and the way out.... LOL.

I don't buy into the logic of happy alone being a prerequisite to being happy with another. Why did God see it not a good thing for man to be alone and came up with Eve? I've noticed when I'm feeling my best in my alone state is also when I'm at my greatest level of being self centered. I will go as far to say that I find there is something inherently wrong within a person if they feel the happiest in an alone state. It isn't how we are wired and I find no evidence that God supports such a theory.

As far as dating we have different expectations and I do know a few second marriage people whose marriages are currently working well for them. I got rather serious with one gal, she lived with me for a tad over 2 years. The biggest thing I saw there that was disappointing was that my kids never really accepted her as part of the group. They didn't mistreat her. They were kind to her and cordial but she wasn't invited to do things that my ex would have been part of. The dynamics change and I think it will always be a less than ideal situation that has to be accepted. Focused appreciation on the factors that the relationship is enhancing our life needs to take priority over the nit-picking variables that will always be present that isn't totally suiting us. I tell you women, I read time and again. I'll yell it this time. THERE ISN'T HARDLY A MAN ON EARTH THAT CAN TRULY MEET THE EMOTIONAL NEEDS OF A WOMAN. It's the way we are, accept it or go lesbian.

Cmonge,
I can't answer for you but I think the downfall of my marriage is that my husband was emotionally distant during most of our marriage and I needed displays of affection and affirmations. While he did everything for me (acts of service and gifts) I wanted my husband to want to spend time with me and enjoy being together. I never felt that he was overjoyed to be with me. So if I ever meet someone who is not expressive verbally or physically that would be unacceptable to me. I just want someone's face to light up when they see me after a long day's work. Maybe I am hoping for a fairy tale but it has always been my dream of what I wanted my marriage to be. I don't think I would be happy with a man who has difficulty being affectionate with me. But I had this situation and maybe you are more secure and can be ok with that and appreciate other love languages. PS - I even wrote on an online dating profile that an unaffectionate man is deal-breaker for me :)
Good luck!
Hugs,
Donna

Good job, Donna! You've figured out what will and won't work for you in a relationship. But, be careful...you might get what you wish for! Lol

I wrote on my online profile, "I have 4 daughters who are my world, so if you aren't family oriented, do not contact me." (I'm still surprised anyone contacted me!) Anyway, what did I get? A single father whose grown sons are still dysfunctionally attached to their father and have now where else to go. Ugh

Having 2 dh's, I agree with Larry...men and women are just different and, if there is a man out there who can meet all of a woman's emotional needs, I'd like to meet him. I read, "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" and how true it is! Dh was great in showing affectionate while we were dating. Fast forward 7 years...not so much.

We were created for companionship and when I said if you cannot be happy alone, you will not be happy with someone else, I wasn't saying you wouldn't be lonely or want someone to share your life with. There are many people who will leave a partner saying "you don't make me happy" and immediately start searching for a replacement that will "make them happy."


Your Spouse Cannot Make You Whole -- That is Your Responsibility

So often we hear folks say that their spouse is not fulfilling their emotional needs. When we ask what needs are not being fulfilled, people mention things that are not emotional needs but what we consider to be wants and desires. You need to take responsibility for filling your own needs.


Four Basic Emotional Needs

The need to love and be loved.
The need to belong and have a sense of purpose in life.
The need to have a positive self image.
The need for autonomy, that is a need for some personal, private space and control.

Some may add the need for security to this list of emotional needs. We believe that people who love and are loved, who have a sense of belonging and can see purpose to their lives, who believe in themselves, and who have a sense of control over their own lives are secure individuals.

Meeting Your Own Emotional Needs
Expecting your spouse to fill your emotional needs is not only unfair, it is unreasonable. You should take responsibility for filling your emotional needs yourself.

"If you are looking to a partner to make you feel worthwhile, to make you feel happy, to rescue you from a bored or unhappy life, if you are seeking someone to make you feel complete or whole -- well then you have some work to do, because these are needs that are never going to be met by any one other than yourself," says Sugrue. To put those demands on someone else is to set up yourself -- and the relationship -- for failure." Source: Dennis Sugrue, psychologist,

http://marriage.about.com/od/marriagetoolbox/qt/emotionalneeds.htm

Well said Misred. And although it's important to take care of myself emotionally, and to strive to be reasonably happy on my own, it's perfectly normal to yearn for someone to share my life with. Not sure I would ever have the nerve to act on it again, once bitten, thrice shy is my take on it, but a girl can dream, can't she?

Dream away MNMama, my new mantra is "Never say never, " since I have met someone great and remarried. I too was a wee bit gun shy, but soon realized the new man in my life was not the EX so I should not put my old baggage on him. Some old habits die hard, but we're getting there.

The last time I checked, nobody is from MARS! Excuse my pun, I was taught we are humans from earth! Sure our biological bodies, thanks to hormones, are either masculinized or feminized rises to social gender roles differences.
My point is, let's not forget this emotional need thing we are talking about is generally about universal "love" and frankly, is NON GENDER specific. Let's not forget this is a human emotional experience craved by both genders.

Sorry Larry, I beg to differ . "THERE ISN'T HARDLY A MAN ON EARTH THAT CAN TRULY MEET THE EMOTIONAL NEEDS OF A WOMAN". Oh yes he can! It is simple, it's called the language of love, just pick any ONE! So yes, I do expect my men to WANT [an operative word] to be able to express/ give outward emotional love on his own accord. Just maybe my cravings and needs will be satisfied....that is if the man is up for the JOB.

You and me BOTH, Misred! Had I met a man who didn't want to get married again, it would have been perfectly fine by me! I'm still taking my foot out of my mouth as I said I was NEVER getting married again and meant it! And, dh had had a girlfriend for 8 years before me and never married her, so I thought I'd hit the jackpot...a man who didn't want to get married again either! I was very mistaken, but sure had a fun time being a girlfriend for over 2 years! All the fun and none of the responsibility or arguments combining lives can bring. sigh

it isn't simple tobywinn because men have a tendency to show love in a manner that women don't recognize it. I loved my ex, I truly did, but she didn't 'feel' loved by me. Not only do the studies show this phenomenon as very common I've talked to hoards of people locally who have divorced and all but two had the same story, the woman felt neglected, unappreciated, loved, and/or mentally abused. It's a common theme, much too common.

What can I say misred? You stated,

"Four Basic Emotional Needs

The need to love and be loved.
The need to belong and have a sense of purpose in life.
The need to have a positive self image.
The need for autonomy, that is a need for some personal, private space and control."

Those things are usually being encountered by the spouse who got left in the marriage prior to the departure. The marriage and family unit supplied the purpose, the love, which in turn generated a positive good feeling about one's self even though being tied at the waist wasn't necessary to have that 'complete feel good feeling within one's own skin' prevalent. Divorce horribly disrupts this peace that a person is living in, the successes one has accomplished through faithful endurance against the odds gets laid to waste. Defeatism, futility, and failure are amongst the first things a person faces after a divorce, notwithstanding the betrayal, confusion, disbelief, rejection and abandonment one encounters. The facts are, this person, that spouse, played a HUGE role in the welfare of not only the financial status of the person left, but also, and more importantly, disregards the very foundation of ethics some of us adhered to which not only make up our character but also was the basis of the four emotional needs you mentioned. For a person never married these aspects would have been fulfilled to a certain degree as one matured through life by one's self without the daily input from another but to claim and assume after multiple decades of 'growing' old with another, building a life with another, and then to begin the journey in a person's 50's or 60's which these single people have done for decades leaves a low percentage of chance of reaching that plateau before we find ourselves laying in our graves. For those of you who feel as though your marriage wasn't all that great then consider in a way you've had a head start in generating alternate life activities prior to being single even though still married. Some of us functioned fully as partners in all family events, big purchases and job decisions taking into consideration how it will impact not only us but our partner and family as well. When that is stripped from a person it's hard to find value in doing most anything. How many of you literally have to force yourself to accomplish something that should be just second nature to do? I recall those days, and it's caused by the loss of someone close to you, someone you love and thought would be around till the end of time. They supplied the 'reason' for doing and it requires a considerable mindset shift just to feel 'normal' again let alone HAPPY. Happiness is too vague and fickle anyway, many marriages end because of the search for it. If people would understand JOY better, happiness would be taking a back seat and the greener grass would be seen for what it is.

another thing,

"If you are looking to a partner to make you feel worthwhile, to make you feel happy, to rescue you from a bored or unhappy life, if you are seeking someone to make you feel complete or whole -- well then you have some work to do, because these are needs that are never going to be met by any one other than yourself," says Sugrue. To put those demands on someone else is to set up yourself -- and the relationship -- for failure." Source: Dennis Sugrue, psychologist,

How can ANYONE consider modern day psychologist as having the answer when marriages are failing left and right. Most of these are offshoots from the ME generation schooling which does NOT endorse or teach what a relationship even amounts to. It's all about the individual, not the union. It reminds me of when my kid sister tried to tell me the metric system was more accurate than the British/English units of measure. She believed it because her college professor told her it to be so. I tried to explain to her if you put a decimal in either measure the accuracy is the same. She wouldn't believe me, the school had her brainwashed, misguided, and inaccurate.

"Meeting Your Own Emotional Needs
Expecting your spouse to fill your emotional needs is not only unfair, it is unreasonable. You should take responsibility for filling your emotional needs yourself."

How much colder could a person get if they obtained the above? Why would any of us need anyone in any level of relationship? You don't need friends do you? Do your friends make you 'feel' better? Shame on you, you are suppose to do that yourself! If I ever go to a wedding those two getting wed better not be on an emotional high or they are horribly mistaken? I can't even believe such a thing would even be stated let alone believed. Our society has become so wrong we don't even know what is right anymore. Why do so many women complain about their husbands not meeting their needs? If a person can't fulfill them then they can't be blamed for not fulfilling them. It simply cannot work but both ways if it is true. A thesis cannot exist without its counterpart. 1+1 still does equal 2, I don't care what the specialist try to sell me.