Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Hi all. I've been seeing someone for approx 6 months. At this point, although we connect on a mental level, are physically attracted, have similar humor and some common interests, I am feeling a distinct lack of emotional connection. He is not verbally or physically affectionate except during sex. And he is pretty ok with once a week being together in person. I know that I a, the only one who can decide what I want, but I want your opinion of his response when I raised this as a in issue. He stated that at our age (50's). With failed marriages behind us, this is what we can expect. We shouldn't expect great "highs" or great lows, and to him, a companionable, decent , honest, relationship is a good thing.
What do you think.... Should we have lower expectations of relationships going forward because our lives are more complicated now, or because we have gotten over the "fairy tale" hype? As I type it it sounds absurd, but please give me a reality check, especially those of you who are at the point of dating post divorce.
Thanks and hope all had a happy fourth. ( at least the American members )
What do you think.... Should we have lower expectations of relationships going forward because our lives are more complicated now, or because we have gotten over the "fairy tale" hype? As I type it it sounds absurd, but please give me a reality check, especially those of you who are at the point of dating post divorce.
Thanks and hope all had a happy fourth. ( at least the American members )
I will definitely be curious what others have to say. I don't think you sound very satisfied with the lack of connection. I don't think I would be very satisfied with that. Perhaps at first but I think a relationship should be growing.
I know I wouldn't ever again be with a man that is unaffectionate outside of the bedroom that would be just like my marriage. It made me feel very unloved. Wont do that one again.
There's a book called "The Five Love Languages" that might be good for you to check out. Everyone has different ones; none are right or wrong. BUT if your love languages are totally dissimilar, then the relationship may not be fulfilling enough to last. I would list the 5 languages, but just remembered that I loaned my copy out to some friends last month. Great book with lots of insights!
Words of affirmation
Acts of service
Receiving gifts
Quality time
Physical Touch
I also recommend the book. It helps you to figure out what matters most to you so that you can find someone who will complement your life.
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
9 Words of Affirmation
8 Physical Touch
8 Quality Time
4 Acts of Service
1 Receiving Gifts
my scores
flunked again,,,, (( "" It’s common to have two high scores (the highest score being 12), although one language tends to have a slight edge for most people. "" ))
as for expectations, i think they should be lowered, better than lowered, acknowledge that finding someone that wants what you want on the same terms is a challenge
but there is better chance of doing so if you are willing to raise the issue as you did,,, you want different than he wants - - - neither wants to adapt for the other (and you are far apart on a foundation issue) so wish him smooth sailing with someone else
to me love is being adaptable - - each of you
and honest with self and each other
When I met dh, our languages aligned. We both require a lot of time with our partner and we get it. We spent almost every evening together initially (when he wasn't traveling for his job) and, after a year, I started spending weekend nights over. Dh gave me everything that had been lacking in my first marriage. I know who I am and time spent with the one I love is really important , so know once a week wouldn't have worked for me or dh.
There are things I settled with with dh, but we aligned on most things and are happy. Noone is perfect, but on the big things...like the love languages...I wouldn't settle and I didn't.
Thank you!
You are smart for addressing your concern directly to him. He can either use the information to enhance your relationship...or ignore it with the possibility of putting the relationship it in jeopardy.
For me, I have let go of the worldly idea that we need someone to "complete us" or "make us happy." I think that is a lot of pressure to put onto someone. If you are not happy alone, you won't be happy with someone else.
10 Words of Affirmation
8 Quality Time
7 Acts of Service
5 Physical Touch
0 Receiving Gifts
They have changed in the last 5 years or so. I distinctly remember that Acts of Service was #1 on my list back then.
Nevertheless, I think taking the quiz and KNOWING what each of these Love Languages mean is imperative in choosing a partner (or just a good friend!)
"...let go of the worldly idea that we need someone to "complete us" or "make us happy." "
My therapist got through to me when she said, "It is unrealistic to expect any one person to meet all of your needs." I already knew that, and never EXPECTED it. But she also taught me that until we are happy and at peace with ourselves -- ALL BY OURSELVES -- it is unrealistic to think we will find someone to make us happy.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
You definitely need to communicate your needs to him.