Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group

I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...

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sciteacher 08/26/2015

Well, today was a lousy day all around. But to cut to the chase I finally received the notice I have been waiting for. The divorce papers are at the post office to pick up. I was at work when they tried to deliver and now I have to pick up or they will send back in 15 days. Had a thought that I would not pick up and send back but divorce is a done deal anyway. This state only requires one person to sign. And of course that person wasn't me. Now I annoyed at having to be inconvenienced to pick up the damn divorce papers. I got a sinking feeling when I saw the PO notice and I hope I don't have to go through more pain when I do finally read them. I was thinking of not opening the envelope until I am finally ready but maybe the written word will give me finality. All I could think of after I got the notice is: "I can't believe he really divorced me" over and over and over again. What an idiot! He had such a loving wife and he threw me away. I was far from perfect but I loved him more than anything in this world. I still feel so awful that this really happened but it was not my choice. Maybe I will see that this was for the best someday. I hope so. Good night my friends and thanks for just being here.
Hugs,
Donna

Timeman 08/26/2015

Hi Donna, Bold on, take a deep breath I think that many of us here went through the same feeling when we got the D papers. It like a shock that ......it's happening . I know its a terrible feeling Donna. Nothing you can do about it other then ride out the emotions. Like all the rest of the stages of D it will get better. I really didn't look entirely at my D papers... .ever.. ..to this day. I put them in an envelope and tucked them away in a box under many other old documents... I couldn't read them without breaking up. I probably would still cry if I read them today..., but that will never happen. Not much that I can say to make you feel better other then you will be in my prayers . You said : why did he leave.... That's the big unanswered questions..... Why did my wife leave me...... A D after 38 years. Something inside of them snaps. It is a shame., but....well, we have to go on Donna. We still have a life of our own to live. Soooooo, my thoughts are with you tonight.....just keep telling yourself....its going to get better...I will feel better. Remember.....nothing last forever including the bad feeling G you have now.
We all love you my dear......and care.
Bob

kamary 08/27/2015

Big hugs, Donna. Mine came in the mail, and it was a very sad day. All those years, all that love, and it came down to this. Even though I think you will realise one day that it is for the best, that day is still sad.

I don't know why my ex is the way he is. You'll probably never really understand your ex, or why he's done this. We have to accept and carry on. I had to accept, do the leaving, and carry on. I don' t think either way is easier than the other. For me, not living with him is much easier than living with him. Don't let yourself believe this is all your fault because it isn't. Don't let him steal the rest of your life.

Thinking of you today. Bob is right. We all love you, my dear.

love and hugs
kamary

hurtinandhealin2560 08/27/2015

I don't think we are ever totally ready to see the papers. There is such a feeling of sadness. But it is part of the healing process to do this. Just remember that better days are ahead.

Sending hugs of strength.

startingover2011 08/27/2015

Sending big hugs your way! Just put those papers in some deep dark corner and forget about them and start focusing on creating your new life. The past is the past. It wasn't your fault. Something just snaps in people like our exes and then, it's over.

The only time I've ever looked at my divorce papers is when I wanted to double check the amount I am going to get in 5 years from half his pension. :)

Yesterday I met with a priest to start the annulment process. I had been told it was painful to have to talk about the demise of my first marriage, but it wasn't. The memories of the past, are just that. There is no pain. ..just a sadness for those 2 young people who were so much in love. At some point down the road, Donna, you will reach that point as well. Until then...hang in there and know how many people love you and are here for you whenever you need us.

BIG HUGSSS
MJ

dairytech 08/27/2015

Hugs Donna...short of loosing a child...I cant think of anything more painful than divorce...just when you think you've turned the corner on it all...wham...you get hit again...it sometimes feels never ending.

Receiving divorce papers is another hit...I remember how it felt with mine...very similar to your feelings..disbelief straight up! Almost shock. Another line in the sand crossed. Then the pain would come and I would go through all that questioning all over again...aarrgg! What did I do wrong. Whats wrong with me. What could I have done differently...etc...the list is long. The answers are non existent. All we can do is find that place of acceptance and hope we can forgive them for it...thats where you will find your peace...Big Hugs...Kathy

missd12932 08/27/2015

Love and Hugs Dee.

CowgirlKathi 08/27/2015

It's the "official" closing of that door that seems to hit below the belt. The majority of us here didn't want to divorce and would have done almost anything to keep the marriage together. But it's just the way it goes. Remind yourself that something WONDERFUL will happen for you -- that became my mantra! Do your best not to look backward, but keep your focus squarely ahead.

Hugs all around you. xoxo

1Timeforhim 08/27/2015

I got mine this weekend I took it out of the envelope and filed it. I felt no obligation to read it. I suggest the same.

yougospam 08/27/2015

Hang in there, it's a day we can't avoid. One of many days of hard things we need to do during this painful journey. I think of it as a list of things to do.......cross it off and move onto the next thing.

I was served at work, I waited and panicked for days to get served but I survived. When all was said and done and my paperwork was mailed to my house, it was very difficult opening it up. I waited until everyone was in bed and I was alone and then opened it. Even though I knew what it was, what it said, I still shed tears over the whole thing. It was still shocking seeing "our" names on the decree. But I survived.

It's been almost 8 months since that day and I can honestly say I'm doing much better. I liked the suggestion of not looking at it and just filing it away. One day you'll look back and not feel what you're feeling now. It sucks we're here because its not our choice but it is their loss and WE deserve better than what they did to us. My mantra is "I can do hard things" I said that many times these past 2 years and guess what? I did and can.

Sending you big hugs, you'll be ok, I promise.

momto22001 08/27/2015

I remember thinking , this is it. Two pieces pf paper ends a lifetime of memories

For some reason that thought made me feel better,its just a piece of paper.

All of the time leading up to this has made you stronger, you've done things you wouldn't have thought you could, your stronger, more independent etc.

This piece of paper does not define you, so be proud of how far you've come,

MNMama 08/27/2015

I remember being sad when mine came too. My wasband and I wrote them ourselves, so I knew what they said. I just confirmed they were signed and stamped and then filed them away. Hoping it went OK for you, and you're on to your new, newly single life. Sending a hug your way.

Misred 08/27/2015

(((HUGS))))

sciteacher 08/27/2015

Thanks everyone! It was awful driving today after work to the PO to pick up papers. I had to sign but started tearing up and as soon as I went outside I ripped open the envelope and saw the words that I was the "DEFENDANT" and he was the "PLAINTIFF" and suing me for divorce. I felt shock even though I knew it was coming. He had emailed me about a month ago to tell me that I would be mailed this. I never even responded to his email. But you're right - it was still a shock and so hard to look at. Now I will file it away with my SA. I have been divorced since he signed on July 17th! I had no idea it has been so long. I guess I am always hoping he will change his mind and beg me back even though I do know this is pure fantasy.

Glad this part is now over. I was dreading going to my mailbox for the past month. Now I don't have to do that anymore.

Thanks for the support and as always you are all the best!!
Hugs,
Donna

1Timeforhim 08/27/2015

You know what conclusion I came to

A. This is nothing but a worldly piece of paper. I didn't live my life by the dictates of the world and I am not starting now.
B. That piece of paper cannot take away a lifetime of memories. it doesn't have that much power.

C. The only thing it does represent however is our husbands have chosen their will over Gods's but really they did it a long time ago.

As a side note I HAD to see him the day after he went to court for the final decree. Oddly enough he was the one that wanted to faint in my presence and I was fine !! So I can only figure he was under the weight of God.

Hugs, dear everyday we get through this the stronger we get !!!!

refurb 08/27/2015

you "were from perfect as a wife" DROP that line, you were excellent, you did your best to honor you vows, that you made to God & to your husband

that is excellent and that is the best we can give to another human being

the papers don't mean anything, Oh they mean a lot in the legal sense, legal is a bullshit game on human consensus and mostly the god that too many people worship $, terms and conditions

the papers mean nothing to him, they are only tools, passes, whatever in his pursuit of $, terms and conditions

You meant nothing to him beyond what he could use and take, that is a hard fact to hear as it sounds mean, it is not a mean hard fact that you own, it is his and defines his sad sorry ass soul

the papers mean a lot to you as you were the only "half" of the marriage that gave it ant meaning beyond yourself,

the papers define him, not you

don't sweat the papers Donna
you are a person that gives life meaning beyond yourself

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