That was the hardest thing for me in the beginning but I promise it gets easier as time passes. It used to kill me because I was so used to sharing everything with him; good and bad.

The farther I get from having contact, the more I like 'no contact'. In fact, if I have to contact for any reason like our kids (thankfully they are adults so it rarely comes up) the hair on the back of my neck literally stands up. It creeps me out to have any contact with him now. It's been well over a year since we spoke and the same for texts. I've only exchanged like 3 or 4 emails in the past year too.

Hang in.
lemaym1.wordpress.com

I know it's hard, honey. Cry away. Time DOES heal. I promise. We're here for you.

The anger part of the grieving process helped me the most, so I hope you can eventually get angry at him for what he's done. It helped ME get through my divorce and get what I deserved. Had I remained depressed and sad, he could have raked me over the coals without me even knowing about it. You didn't deserve this at all. Get what's yours and put the past and your ex behind you.

I've had NC from my ex for 4 years and when I saw him at DD29's wedding...ICK. I would tell anyone NC is THE way to go! The past is in the past and that includes exes.

We have all been there. That's why you are in the best place possible. The pain is almost too much to bear sometimes. The no contact is so hard because we think they'll change their mind. But they don't. And if they do, it's because of something they want from us.

The best book that helped me get to reality fast was "He's Just not that into you". And while I know that is a dating book, if you read the words as if it's your x - the reality is true and it is what slapped me right across the face because I was thinking some of those thoughts. It made me pull up my big girl panties and start taking charge of my life and every time I wanted to "give in" I pulled that book out and read it. I even bought the small purse one to keep me focused on how life had changed and to quit complaining and making excuses.

It's so hard. I feel your pain. But here's what I want to pass on to you. I was in so much pain when I went through my divorce I almost had a nervous breakdown. It was more than I could take. But I just started focusing on my healing and getting the pain in my heart to settle down. And today, if I had to choose, I would choose the path that I have been on versus stay in what I had. And for that, I am grateful. But others ahead of me here on DS, gave me the hope and now I'm passing it on to you. The change in your life, if you focus on your healing and well being, will be the best gift you've ever given yourself.

Big hugs

"The change in your life, if you focus on your healing and well being, will be the best gift you've ever given yourself."

Hullibee, I'm copying what caligirl said and pasting it for you to read again. It's the thought that pulls me through every time I get sad again. My life is so much better without him in it.

I'm one for letting that crying happen. Let those tears flow and let your mind go wherever it chooses to go while you're at it. Eventually, you will calm down and feel more at peace at the end of each crying jag. You're processing the pain, working out why you can't be with him any more. I sometimes wrote what I was thinking and would always end it with positive affirmations of healing - opposites of the hurt I felt - and then I'd burn it.

Another thing that helps is to list all the bad things and look at those when you lose sight of them and start to wonder why. I used to have to do this umpteen times a week, and now, almost 7 years out, it only happens every so often, triggered by some sort of contact with him, and I am over it pretty quickly.

This too shall pass and you will be amazed at what's in store for you.

love and hugs
kamary

You are so right kamary

I don't know if you are a praying soul... but I'm praying for you!!! This is painful beyond words....so use all the words you want... write them down... cry them out... scream them!!! Do whatever you need to do to deal with it....
It's tough to separate things... you've spent many years caring for him and that's a very hard habit to break!!! BUT BREAK IT NOW!!!!! Give yourself the freedom to just take care of yourself !!! Time and distance help!! Just take it one little step at a time!!!

Wise words from wise women. Listen to them. You can get through this and come out the other side in a much better place.
Go ahead, cry, come here for support, cry some more, get some counseling to help you move forward, cry some more, and get your lawyer to work, and cry if you have to, but you will find, with time, grieving, and healing, the tears will come farther apart, won't last as long, and someday, the tears will be replaced with better times for you. Hugs and blessings to you.

Hugs, my friend. There is very little I can add. But I wholeheartedly agree to the no contact. I know it is hard. I felt that each tear I cried was a brick in the wall that I was building to shut him out. And one day you will see that you are crying less and smiling more. It is a hard road to travel on. But just sit back and watch a train wreck of his own making. Whenever you see him, just smile, a nice slow smile, slowly turn around and walk away with head held up high. That will bother him more than anything you may want to say. Hugs again

thank you everyone. I am trying. It has been 3 days since I saw him. I am reading, reading, reading, I still cry at work but I take a Xanax and get through the day. I keep listing things that he has done. That is what makes me cry. I cannot believe the list. He thinks he has done nothing wrong. He keeps saying we just have been married too long. Dumb. Marriage is suppose to be forever.

Good job, hullibee! So proud of you! Hold your head high and keep going!

I, too, thought marriage was supposed to be forever, but, in our society today, it seems we're in the minority. Sad, but true.

HUGSSS

My heart goes out to you! I thought my twenty years married was hard-I cannot even imagine more than that! The women on here have been a god send to me! Such loving great advice! No contact will save your life..and one of the hardest thing you will ever do. You will find loving support on here! Hugs to you!!

Like just about everyone else here, when it happened, I was one hot mess! If this website had been in existence back then (2005) I would have been on here 24/7 and driven everyone crazy in the process. As it was, though, I had to tough it out pretty much on my own.

My therapist was a true Godsend -- she's the one who advised me to do the No Contact thing. She said, "At first it will be one hour at a time, but trust me -- the LONGER you can keep it, the better you will feel." My weekly assignment was for every day I went with No Contact, I put a red star on my calendar. And at the end of 7 days, I wrote in my journal how I was feeling. I was amazed at how my perspective had changed after a whole month went by! You will be, too.

No contact gives you the opportunity to grieve the loss without pouring salt into your wound. Trust me -- once they walk out, they really DON'T have anything for you. When I would call him crying, he would just tell me that I was irrational and hang up. I always felt 10 times worse!

It does take awhile to really get your head wrapped around the whole situation, but when you get to the point where you are coming at it from a POSITION OF STRENGTH, you are on your way. You MUST have your "act" together when it comes time to negotiate the financial settlement -- that will be the biggest business deal you will ever make -- and your attorney is NOT there to hold your hand when you cry. That's what your counselor or therapist is for.

I will hold you in my thoughts and prayers and am sending you all the chutzpa I can from this distance. You WILL be OK. Trust me! We're all here to help you through it.
xoxo

Hugs Hullibee...going no contact was the hardest thing I have ever done. I didnt with the 1st divorce...putting salt in the wound rings true...with the 2nd...I went almost 2 years with no contact. After the 2 years we tried the friends thing..I banged my head against that wall for almost two years...that didnt work...so back to no contact for 11/2 years. I am finally at the place where I can deal with him when I have to and it not effect me...but not quite at impartial...but close.

Having done it both ways I understand the value of no contact...it really is a must if you want to get through this with your heart in tact. It takes a while but it does mend. For me...not talking with him was like loosing my right arm...I talked with him everyday for almost 30 years...the withdrawls were worse than coming off nicotine...brutal sums it up for me...but critical to coming out the other end whole. You can do this hullibee...at times it will take every ounce of strength you have but that will be a win for you and your self esteem. Everyone is right...no contact is the only way...Big Hugs...Kathy

Hugs, and more hugs.
Cry all you want, let the tears flow..............I did and it is such a vital part of the cleansing and letting go of all the pain, disappointment, anger......whatever the emotion is at that given moment.
For so many many years we tend to make excuses or try to justify their actions and behaviour, but that abuse has so many guises.
As hard as this no contact is, you will soon come to realise how important it is in the healing process. The allowing yourself the space to see things more clearly for what they really are.

Well done for taking that final step to say enough is enough, no matter how unpleasant or how hard it was. I can assure you that eventually you will be so grateful you did. It will take time, work and healing, but you will get to a joyful and peaceful place once again.
((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))

One day at a time!!! You've got this!!!