I forgot to tell you all the worst part. My 20 year old daughter knew of the affair, and he made her keep it a secret! I know she feels very guilty, she just kept thinking it would end, and she told me she "kept trying to fix it!"

Wow, that guy is an absolute a--hole!
Father makes daughter lie,
That guy is a monster ,
His girlfriend is a pig and her mother is a walking piece of s ---.

Oh my word...I bet your glad you're done with him. He's her problem now and what goes around comes around. It might happen again - to her ;(

Sad for the kids, it hurts all involved but I share the same. Don't miss him at all!! Hurray for another chance at life and a new beginning.
Love to you

I am very sorry for the shitstorm that your children and you have been thrust into.
I hope that your daughter comes to realize that she should carry no guilt nor shame.

As for normal feelings and normal days. You'll have good stretches and bad, odd things will trigger hurt.

Me....this is the first Mother's Day I spend without my kids and wife. It makes me sick to think about my kids so ending the day with their cheating mom, yuck!

I can't imagine what thoughts Father's Day will trigger for you.

Enjoy your Mother's Day, you are a strong lady to pull your kids through this.
I respect thAt. You are a gentle lady to care for your kids in the midst of such a storm, I respect that.
It sounds like you respect yourself, good!
You should.

I'm too new to this to speak from a healing perspective as I'm still kind of reeling but I think it is better to ride the bad days out rather than run from them.

Take care

I hope you have a lawyer advising you. You need to get temporary orders in place ASAP

Welcome to the club no one wants to belong too. I also found out about one of my EX's women around valentines day. (((HUGS)))

I know it hurts, beanie, even though you know in your heart that he's no good. You had a dream which won't happen now because of him. Knowing he was having an affair is tough. You thought he meant his promises. Know that it had nothing to do with you and everything to do with his own insecurities and weaknesses. I can't believe he would make your daughter keep his dirty secret. He's only thinking about himself.

One good week is a good start. You're going to be ok. I agree with Misred about getting a lawyer and I think it's great you're getting therapy for you and your kids.

love and hugs
kamary

Welcome to our group. I hope that you realize that you absolutely MUST seek legal counsel to end your marriage and take immediate action to separate your finances.

He has not done anything yet beyond a little 'overspending' but.....WHAT are you waiting for Beanie, I must ask?! The bomb dropped honey, the worst (the initial shock) is behind you.....but don't let him blindside you with a complete withdrawal of support, or perhaps debt incurred by his disgusting and lurid lifestyle with his immoral girlfriend. He is disgusting and a total LIAR and CHEAT!

WHY would you trust a liar and a cheat? Get your financial and legal house in order now honey. I know it's hard when you're realing with emotion and feel like a zombie but it is just as important as eatting and breathing every day right now.....it is a reality that MUST be dealt with.

I'm so very sorry that your stbx turned out to be a cliche. It's happened to the best of us honey...and it's NOT your fault! He is a world class loser. HA! A TWO YEAR OLD? And his family with you was almost raised!

You will have the last laugh honey. It might not seem like it now, it feels like when "he" walks away, he has what he wants and you are just collateral damage. But that is NOW. Reality will sink in. He must take care of his obligations to you and your children first and foremost. But only YOU can make sure that this will happen.

Get your divorce moving forward - the quicker the better! And the faster you can begin to heal. It's a long road, but you'll make your way. We've all done it and/or are doing it here on this site.

What doesn't kill ya makes ya stronger! You will survive this and be stronger for it. Stay with us - we're here to help!

Wow, thanks everyone! I'm so confused. I haven't heard from him in weeks, and tonight he actually sent me an email asking to go to counseling with him (I asked for 20 years) He said there's a chance we may get back together. REALLY? Is this just a ploy to make me look bad if I say no? Did he get dumped by OW? Is he just trying to have his cake and eat it too? How can I trust him?

Do not let the strange email keep you from seeking legal action to protect yourself. It doesn't mean anything right now. He disappeared so you can file abandonment and protect yourself. This isn't about getting back at him or being mean, we have seen this scenario play out over and over here. You can still go to counseling after getting things lined up.

There are a million reasons why he has emailed you asking to go to counselling...the bottom line...he has been having an affair behind your back for over a year. The lying and cheating that has to happen in order for him to pull that off is overwhelming. He abandoned not only you but his children. He willingly made choices that threaten the family unit. His priorities no longer belong to you or your children.

Perhaps he has investigated a bit further into the divorce laws in your state. Perhaps they both discovered the financial fallout is great. Perhaps she dumped him and now his old family is a great 2nd choice. Perhaps he is using your emotional attachment to manipulate you into giving him what he wants financially. Regardless of the reasons why he emailed you...you can not ignore what he did to get where he is today. You and your children were dispensable..an obstacle to his desires.

Please seek legal advise and set into motion legal protection financially. This does not mean reconciliation is out of the question...just not right now...in the mean time you need to protect yourself and your kids.

I am one of the few here who is divorced twice to the same man. Although I believe reconciliation can work...it cant without lots of individual and joint counselling and living separately. My ex would not go...the old patterns came back 10 fold...we only lasted 3 years...he had another affair and kicked me out. I had to start all over again at 53. Now....when I look back...I waisted 5 years trying to fix someone who was broken and had no desire to fix themselves...I was right back where I was after the 1st divorce only then I was only 49.

Divorce is one of the toughest things I have ever gone through...short of loosing a child...I cant think of anything more devastating. It has taken me almost 5 years of recovery...but I am doing great. There is life after divorce and a darn good one. Its different than that dream I held over my head my whole life...but its not less than. My family and I are closer than we have ever been...my family bonds are tight...my family did not break because of divorce. Although it doesnt feel like it in the beginning...you will survive this and go on to thrive...Big Hugs and welcome...Kathy

Thank you so much. I needed to hear those words.
I do have an attorney and a financial planner/mediator on retainer. I have been dragging my feet to do the homework it takes to put all the financial information together. I mean, this hit me so hard, and so fast, I wasn't prepared. I know I can do it. Time wise it is hard too, since I seem to be spending my days going to counseling sessions for me and my 13 yo son. Enough excuses - I needed this push. Yes, his email scared me. It made me feel even more like I'm in limbo. The timing was strange too, since it came right after I posted for the first time on this site. I have read the statistics that state only 11% of reconciled marriages last. Those aren't good odds, and I'm not getting any younger :) (I'm 54)
Thank you, I will get off my computer now and get some work done! Hugs to all of you!

Listen to the wise words of kamary, misred and dairytech. They are right in what they say. They have been good support for me as I go through my own tough time. If anything, start to establish your individual life by applying for a low interest credit card. Even if the limit is only 200 dollars. It will get you established with your own credit and it will come in handy with any emergencies. Over time, you will be able to apply for higher limit cards. Every day will be a tough day with emotions as we can never fully get our thoughts to give us rest. Distract yourself when your thoughts start to take control of your emotions and makes it hard for you to do daily tasks. It becomes good moments and bad moments instead of good days and bad days. It is a heck of a roller coaster ride that I guess we all must go on in order to figure out what to do next and how to handle our tough situation. If you have to, find a local support group or see if there is a divorce care meeting at a local church. I have never been much of a church goer but now I go even if not every Sunday. I talk to a higher power a lot when I drive in to work in the morning or walking the hallways of the college of my employ. Listen to classical music or KLOV radio station as often as possible. You wont be swayed by the lyrics of songs that could bring you down. Let's all get through this tough time. I want to see and feel better days. I hope you find some happiness

Holy molly!!! Pardon my pun, this is the lifestyle Jerry Springer gets excited for! Is he a broken-minded person at the chronological age of 57 playing with adult people lives? Your husband might think he is a sugar daddy, but I tell you what, MARITAL money is NOT HIS to flounder away and divorce court doesn't think so either! There is not much they can do to recover when you allow it. Get your thinking into damage control mode , pull the financial plug, and put an end to it! Get your legal big boys on this ASAP! This is no little matter.

Wait a minute, come again, your husband is currently asking to go to counseling with him to achieve what? And you say you've asked him for 20 years prior for what reason? I'm guessing, but it seems he's already shown you of having a history of marital misconduct.

While you claim he " is not what I want now", the question is, does it matter WHY he sent an email? Maybe the question should be rephrased, what are you planning on doing to save yourself ? This is me, I don't have time to invest into false hopes and inconsistencies of a broken person. They are reistant to change. I've been there and done that!

Now, if he proved himself to be accountable of his whereabouts, he checks in/out , phone records are clear, passwords relinquished, his money spending is accountable and limited, get STD tested routinely, and doesn't protests with hissy fits about it, but rather bend over backwards, earning his trust...WE CAN TALK. That is very reasonable I would think!

PS: He has to complete a full course for sexual addiction. Apparently, he targeted and took advantage of a young more vulnerable and inexperience woman as his sex object. More likely, she was his sample. It's no telling, how chronic and progressive he's become to put EVERYTHING at stake.

Welcome! I would be very wary of his asking to go counseling. There is nothing wrong with that if that is what you choose, but I heard the very same story. I took him back for six months, went to counseling every week, listened to him tell the counselor how thankful he was that I gave him a second chance, and only six months later he set himself up financially and left to be with her. If you choose to do this, please make sure it's on your terms.

Also, as far as getting the financial stuff in order. Take the time necessary, even though you are mentally exhausted at this point. Knowledge is power as we say aorund here.

Good luck. I know how hard this is. One good week is a blessing. The problem is, this is a roller coaster ride and it's okay to feel the feelings. This is one of the toughest things I have ever dealt with, but I can honestly say now (six years later) it was a blessing in disguise for me.

Keep checking in. We are here to help you through!