First off, this is a date, nothing more, nothing less.. don't look at it as you are going to Vegas to get married! You are not leading anyone on! Do not go so far down the path worrying about looking or loving again. I know you are not going to sleep with him, just a date! Smile! Just go out with anyone who asks you , and treat it as if you met a friend to get to know each other. My therapist suggests you do not go to movies, not interactive enough. Dating today is different in one way, meet him there with your own car! That take the pressure off, or leave your car somewhere and then go, do not have him to your home for an 1st or 2nd date.. just my opinion.

It is common to be nervous, and you may not be ready to date yet, you will know when you are, and you have to decide if you are. I went out with guys that asked me that were good guys, and I did not internet date. I am still friends with two of them today, and we had a lot of fun. It was casual. Happy attracts happy, just go.. what is the worst that could happen, you don't go again? Look at it this way, you have not dated in a long time, just go out and see what happens. You might just find a friend, and you should not be looking for a relationship.. I meant this with affection. Life is now, not cleaned up, ever... HUGS

I am writing and cooking... and that is not good combo!

I meant to say, if someone " decent" asks you out, and you consider him nice, or interesting, go! I also want to state that I did not internet date, but as when I say this, I get called out from someone who did, and I have nothing against internet dating... which I am sure some here can give you more insight on that. One of good qualities I have that men told me.. I was not needy and not looking to find someone, and I said that. I also steered clear of guys who were looking for a woman because they were so lonely.... and translate, desperate! You are a wonderful person Disneymom... value you and if you are not ready, just don't go.

Disney, I feel similarly to you in that I recognize that I have good qualities and that I'd like to share time with someone special againin my life. Unlike you, I feel that I 'm not ready yet, but I can smell the fear a mile away in your post! Like Ms. Terey said, maybe you are taking it too seriously. As women, we overthink everything! You are worried about 'leading' someone on after ONE date! Because he was nice. Of course he was nice! He's likely a nice guy. That is is! He's not going home and thinking about getting you a ring!!

I say, go on the second date. And by the third, be truly honest about where you are at. Maybe avoid the talk about relationships and just enjoy dating. That is what I hope I'm able to have when I do start dating.

And if the fear and anxiety is truly overwhelming or at least negatively distracting, maybe re-evaluate if dating is right for you now. A few more months might make all the difference.

Be happy!

I just do not feel afraid to trust, maybe because my someday to be ex was always extremely trustworthy till the end(then he broke it up big time). I wont be looking for a husband just a good Man for a friend and boyfriend.
Maybe I just don't have a ton of love to share, i don't know.. My animals take up a great amount of time and now the yard since spring has sprung, my neighbors yard as well because her husband is very sick and more than likely will never be well enough to mow. And i work so not a whole lot of time to really think about a serious relationship right now.
Id like to find the perfect someone for me when he comes along but i'm just not going to stress over right now.
It will be a time thing and i will wait till i feel the real spark <3
I have gone out with two men on several occasions now and the one is a very good friend, didn't turn out to be a boyfriend however. I think when my divorce is final (if that ever happens, 22 months into this divorce after a long separation) I will see what is around town so far as men go and if i am unable to snag one for a boyfriend i will check out eharmony :-)

DIZ:
Sorry we couldn't connect when I came through Phoenix! Maybe next time...

As to your discussion here, you know I have some mixed feelings about what you wrote. First of all, I am shaking my head about your stbx "refusing to sign the divorce papers until you drop the Spousal Maintenance" -- I don't know anything about Arizona law, but I am almost certain that at some point, the divorce is going to be final whether he signs the papers or NOT! What he is proposing is b.s. pure and simple. Look into time limits for this type of filibuster and HOLD YOUR GROUND!

Now, as far as trust and casual dating is concerned, I'm with MsTerey on this one (except that I refused all dates until my divorce decree was signed, sealed and delivered). So you go have lunch with a guy and spend some time talking. What's so wrong with that? Nothing. As long as you see it for what it is -- a chance to relate to someone who just happens to be a man. I believe as long as you keep your perspective on this, you will be fine. My advice on the venues would be keep it light, and BE COMPLETELY HONEST about your current marital status and your misgivings. HONESTY is always the BEST POLICY.

Tom and I emailed and talked on the phone for SIX WEEKS before I actually went out on a "date" with him -- and it was about 6 months after my divorce was finally final. We met for supper at 5:30 on a Wednesday evening (we still laugh about it -- saying we were like the "old people" who eat dinner that early). We spent 5 hours just talking! Finally got up and left when they got the vacuum cleaner out and started turning off the lights.

As I drove home, the big thought that kept playing in my mind was "If nothing else, I have made a new friend." I had NO EXPECTATIONS and I certainly wasn't having any trust issues. I had learned in my personal journey to TRUST MY INSTINCTS and they were all giving me a green light.

Maybe you ought to think about these trust issues a bit more -- is it the other person you don't trust or is it that you don't quite trust yourself? If that rings true, maybe you ought to do a little more work on YOU. I will look through my self-help library and see if there is something that might be of help to you. Hugs, sweetie! You'll get there....it just takes time.

You know, the way I feel about it is that when it happens, you will feel right about it and won't have these kinds of thoughts. I think that you probably do feel until those divorce papers are signed your doing something wrong - and I sort of agree and feel the same way. I don't have my final decree yet and feel like it's what I need.

You won't be alone Dis - but perhaps this time right now is for you and noone else. You'll know when it's right and not be so conflicted.

I am not even dating but I have a thought.

That things will be different, we won't be so trusting and that may be a good thing. The fruit of life experience. We did it the other way, headlong abandon, now we can approach it with more wisdom, trusting our own instincts and knowing what really fits for us.

Perhaps these guys are nice but not nice enough. Don't settle. You are the prize.

I think getting the divorce papers signed is critical for you to move forward. It might be impossible to forge a new relationship, or even to casually date, when there is unfinished business with the stbs. I don't know how you would go about forcing your stbx's hand to get the papers signed, but that would be my focus.

You strike me, at least from your DS presence, as a very open and trusting person. I think you will be fine. Are you still in counseling? I know one of the objectives with my counselor is to help me develop a better sense of discernment so if I do find myself in another relationship hopefully it will be with someone more consistent/congruent. I also agree with KRK, you'll know when it's right and won't be so conflicted.

I think getting the divorce papers signed is critical for you to move forward. It might be impossible to forge a new relationship, or even to casually date, when there is unfinished business with the stbx. I don't know how you would go about forcing your stbx's hand to get the papers signed, but that would be my focus.

You strike me, at least from your DS presence, as a very open and trusting person. I think you will be fine. Are you still in counseling? I know one of the objectives with my counselor is to help me develop a better sense of discernment so if I do find myself in another relationship hopefully it will be with someone more consistent/congruent. I also agree with KRK, you'll know when it's right and won't be so conflicted.

I met a wonderful fellow when I bought this house before moving out of our...me and my ex's house...3 months after our 2nd divorce...it was a hellish 3 months. We got along very well. He was divorced for the 2nd time to the same women after 32 years of marriage so we shared the same story...whats the chances of that happening? We dated for quite some time. As time went on we realized that we had a love for each other but it just wasnt the kind of love that carries you into a long term relationship. We both agreed that our relationship was one of healing. Once we put it into perspective and owned what we really felt we were able to understand...yet support each other...in ending the relationship as it was and allow ourselves to become very good friends. We would have made a huge mistake if we took it to the next level. We saved ourselves a lot of grief down the road.

I consider myself very lucky to have met this man. He taught me how to recognize and bring forward my value. He treated me as the special person I am...one with love, kindness, respect and honour. He feels the same way about me. We helped each other get stronger and more centred. Love truly does heal the heart. Although this relationship is not meant for the long haul marriage wise...we will always be best friends regardless where our lives take us. What a wonderful gift.

I am a totally different person than I was almost 3 years ago. I'm not that desperate needy throw-away seeking approval from anyone who would give it. I know and feel my worth. I trust who I am and where I want to go. Although my heart was broken..perhaps shattered is a better word...I've had the time to glue it all back together and make it functional again. I have not loved the way I did my ex yet...but I am confidant that I will.

Since life circumstances are different...the family thing is done...my reasons for a relationship is different. I am no longer in my twenties, hormones flying around like crazy, not looking for a father to help raise children, someone to grow up with and build a life with. I am looking for someone to share my life with, someone to travel with...just a soft place to land. The love I have to offer and receive is quite different than it was years ago. Thats not to say your love wont be as deep or as wonderful...just different.

I think its really important to allow yourself to heal and become strong in who you are before getting involved in a committed relationship. Know thyself first. This takes time and personal effort. Dating is all part of that. In fact it`s a critical part. How else can you learn what it is that really works for you. If you take dating to seriously it resembles more like a job interview than a fun time out. If your worried about taking advantage of the other person or leading him on...you have not done your homework. The things we feel about others are usually clues about what we feel with ourselves. Its that saying...when your pointing a finger at others...you have 3 pointing back at you. Its your inner self telling you something. This is where trust of self comes into play. When you are strong in who you are and what you want...dating becomes a carefree fun thing to do. Honesty is a huge part of that...to the person your dating as well as yourself. Dating allows you to become exposed to new activities and people. It helps expand your horizons. You can make new friends that will last the rest of your life. So...take the heavies out of dating. Its a fun thing. go into it with a light heart. Dont put unrealistic expectations into it. If you find you are...your simply not ready yet. Give yourself a bit more time and then try again. Big Hugs...Kathy

Disney, I'm with you on this. I really hope this is something he hasn't taken from me (the ability to love). I believe I have a lot to offer to a relationship but I'm not very good at expecting anything from a relationship. I look forward to hearing the "suggested reading" for us.

Hi Disney,

I really don't know you all that well but I would like to post on this. If I am getting this right, you have some deep fear that you won't be able to trust again as you did in your marriage.

Maybe I come at this from a different place, but I say, 'realistically, that's not so shocking.'

Can you expect to trust as you did? Nope. Not after what you have seen and what you have been thru, and how you have seen a relationship totally fall apart. Realistically, who could trust blindly after that?

My point? To me, there is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with saying, 'hey, I've seen what one human being is capable of doing to another. It's reality. It happens. (it's why were are here on DS.)'

Nothing wrong with that realistic stance at all...and to me, the goal is to (shrugging my shoulders here) be real with myself, but also to not lose the ability to love fully in spite of it.

(read that again...) Do not lose the ability to love fully in spite of it.

Yeah, that one took me some time, Disney. I think it takes us all some time. All of us.

...and that's alright too.

Dating? Hey, I say 'go for it.'

Just my opinion. L~

Thanks Ladies!!! All your responses really heped me put some confusing thoughts into perspective. The truth is I like being taken out and spoiled a little. I like the attention and time, the conversations, being taken to dinner at a place where you can't color the menu. I guess I feel like the star.....
And you know my favorite saying ' EVERY STAR DESERVES THE RIGHT TO TWINKLE'...................
With the stbx I was always pushed to the back but now i'm UP FRONT AND CENTER......... And I like it what can I say.
Thanks everyone,
Disney:)

Diz:

You have your head in the right place with that "UP FRONT AND CENTER" attitude! You GO, girl!
xoxoxox

DRTEXDI et al:

I just finished reading yet ANOTHER great book ... this one is called:

101 Things I Learned AFTER My Divorce (by Tomi Tuel)

Let me draw your attention to Chapter 4 - The CRAP METER...and here's an excerpt to whet your appetite:

"We all put up with a certain level of crap in our relationships. Wouldn't it be great if we cold put crap on a scale and give it a standard unit of measure so that when we talk about how really crappy something is it will be more relative. We could say, "Hey that's a bunch of crap" and it would be right there in black and white.

People could use the crap meter as a standard for ending relationships. If you pull a 10 on the meter its an automatic end to the relationship. You get a 10 -- you're OUT! When your spouse stays out all night and doesn't call, that's a 10! When your spouse pinches your fat and asks, 'Can you pinch an inch?' that's maybe a 2. It's crap, but you put up with it...

A crap meter is something we all have. For some it's instinctual, for others it's developed over time. Being in tune with your crap meter is huge because when crap happens you need to be ready. The saying "choose your battles wisely" is nebulous for someone who has no scale for the tolerance of crap. It's important to know how much crap you are willing to put up with in a relationship."

That's just a teaser to get you interested in this book. I hope you all will order a copy (it's a paperback and a really entertaining and enlightening read) and is available on amazon.com. My copy is a borrowed one, but I plan to buy my own copy so that I can read it again (with highlighter in hand).

(I will post this as a new discussion topic for those who don't come back to read new posts on regular discussion topics!)

Big squeezy hugs to all of you!