Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group

I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...

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/ Divorce after Twenty years together Support Group

I do not miss . . . (or how are lives are better n

drtexdi
drtexdi
Lostinpain4nov stated what he missed and I know we have done this post before but I believe it is important for newbies and all of the old-timers to think of how are lives are better. Mine is easy.

I do not miss:

1. Worrying about everything little thing I could say or do that would invoke an insult from him. No matter what I said or how I said it, I was always put down (as if I was an idiot). We often talk about walking on egg shells and that is certainly what I did for 20 years!
cantstay2
cantstay2
Giselle - I too was going to say this. Except for the physical abuse, I can agree with pretty much all the other I will not miss items. However, the NUMBER ONE on my list is the person I had become while being married to him. He said some really awful things about me. From his point of view, I probably was, the problem was that he couldn't see that I was becoming her BECAUSE he was tearing me down and I started to buy in to the BS he was spewing!

I am my own person now. I like her, she is fun and loving!
tobywinn
tobywinn
drtexdi: you nailed it. You are absolutely right. Once I found out about my ex's cheating, I said " Heck No, you don't get to mistreat me when you're the cheater!"

They say hurting people hurt people. Well, so does when they feel badly about themselves, they treat you badly. The trick is to know there is a REASON : they have done something! I do believe on the Spouses with Sexual Addiction board, [I've lurked a couple times] they refer to it as "splitting" when their addicted spouses starts mistreating them when they fall in their sexual acting out behavior.
PsiChi
PsiChi
Giselle...oh yes...I forgot about that. I too was a private investigator who snooped, followed, questioned etc. There was one point where I was literally driving myself crazy. I don't feel the need to do that anymore. I simply do not care. I've actually thought that I wish he HAD run off with the OW way back when. My life would have been so much better off.
dairytech
dairytech
I never ever want to experience that life again. When I think back at the stress I was living under trying to adjust to his complaints...trying to be the person he wanted me to be...trying to figure out what was a lie and what wasnt...wondering where he was and who he was with...aarrgg...I too wonder why I put up with it for as long as I had. Only in hindsight did I understand why...at the time it was emotionally crushing and mentally taxing. Life is so much easier all the way around now that it is over...however...he was not a complete asshole...there are some things I really do miss. We were together for 24 years...we did have some good times in the first half of our marriage...that's the man I miss. I wonder sometimes if I will ever find that kind of love again...Big Hugs...Kathy
hurtinandhealin2560
hurtinandhealin2560
Ms. Terey's list is my list, almost to a T.

I'm just glad my ex is gone.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I do not miss the feeling that I was slowly going crazy.
I do not miss the constant bickering about crap.
I do not miss the person I was becoming.
I do not miss him always putting my family down for one thing or another.
I do not miss "you think you got problems"
I do not miss being unsupported during anything.
I do not miss what all you guys said
cantstay2
cantstay2
LOL, I am sorry, but reading this is like reading my life through everyone else's eyes! We had so many commonalities didn't we?

It has helped so much! I DON'T MISS A DAMN THING!
PsiChi
PsiChi
oh yes...the common themes run deep...it amazes me that as a whole, history keeps repeating. When are we as a species going to change? This could lead to a really intense debate about the reasonableness of our societal expectations and practices where mating are concerned. Perhaps we have outgrown the monogomous, commited lifestyle. Could this be the evolution of the new human and family dynamic? Maybe 100 years from now all humans will be independent. IDK, but what we do now is clearly not working.
tobywinn
tobywinn
@PSi: Character disordered are not able to change while emotionally healthy people can. Polygamy is the trait for character disordered while monogamy is practiced by emotionally healthy people. There will be disordered folks jumping off cliffs but does not mean the wise will follow suit. ...you warn them the best you can and let em go!
momto22001
momto22001
the lack of money, I would have thought one income would be hard to live on, but I can budget so much better now and actually have a bit left each week
drtexdi
drtexdi
Absolutely tobywinn. Sick people practice polygamy. Why? Because they will never be able to give of themselves to another person. So what do they do? Run around, draining the life out of many different people throughout their life.

momto22001, I at least know how much money I have. I never did for the 20 years I was with the ex because he managed to drain the account no matter how much was in it. He could literally spend thousands in days. It drove me nuts. Then of course that made me the bad guy.