I have just prayed for you, LisaMarie. While my story doesn't include a daughter in an accident, there are many other parallels and I completely identify with your inability to let go. But, in spite of where I am living, I know that HE IS NOT WORTH IT. As a parent, do what you need to do and look for ways to care for yourself along with your children. He is not worth any thought or energy. May you find support through your faith, friends, and family to move forward and care for your children and yourself. While there seems to be so much injustice right now, I truly believe that one day, you will reap the benefits of your work and commitment. Peace and hope to you.

You deserve so much happiness and I pray for that for you. He seems to me like a very weak, gutless, selfish individual. Stay strong and try and not look back.

He's a selfish POS. You will stop thinking about him when your ready. Leave him to his little world. There is a great big world out there for you! I know it must be so hard to be alone and taking care of your daughter like that. Sounds like you have a lot of support in FL.

Time is your friend right now. You'll get past this - you really will. You are strong and capable. Believe in yourself.

You are right, my friend. You are STUCK and where you are stuck is going to keep you in limbo forever. He is GONE. Not coming back. You have an opportunity now to take these lemons and make lemonade, but that requires a big dose of LETTING GO of what was and ACCEPTING what is. That is the ONLY WAY you are going to get out of this miserable place in your head!

My X also denied his involvement with someone else -- even when presented cold, hard evidence - even after mutual friends had seen them together, entertained them together, and I had HER served with a subpoena to give a deposition! Well, in HIS twisted little mind, once he ran out on our marriage, "she didn't count" but the law in Maryland says that if you are still legally married and you choose to boink someone other than your wife, it's STILL ADULTERY.

He never DID admit their affair until it came down to the final draw -- that being DIVORCE TRIAL. And even then, he tried to hide behind the 5th Amendment. Unfortunately for him, that won't hold water in a court of law in this state. Taking the 5th is the same as an admission of guilt! We put the other woman on the stand then, and SHE RATTED HIM OUT. I'm sure THAT put a crimp in their relationship -- and word on the street was that it started getting rocky from that day forward. Not long afterward, they were no longer "an item" and it's not like I didn't try to tell him this would be the case.

The only advice I can offer to you is this: FIND A QUALIFIED COUNSELOR OR THERAPIST and talk this out with a professional! That he chose to go outside the marriage to have his needs met IS NOT YOUR FAULT. It has very little -- if anything -- to do with you. It's all about him -- his immaturity, his selfishness, his lack of commitment to you and your family. LET HIM GO!

It takes time, but with some hard work on yourself, you will soon come to realize that his betrayal was actually a GIFT. Be kind to yourself. Hold your head high and KNOW that you did the best you could with what you had to work with. Pray for acceptance. Forgive yourself for not seeing it coming; for putting up with crap over the years that you didn't recognize as being manipulative or disrespectful toward you.

And talk to us here on DS. We've all been through it and lived to tell about it. Hugs and prayers coming your way.

P.S. I just re-read your post and realized that you already have a therapist. You might want to talk to him/her about some medication from your doctor to help get you out of this slump. Depression can cause us to obsess about things. I know I was just about a total basket case for most of the 18 Months of Hell it took to divorce the lying, cheating s.o.b. I went on a mild anti-depressant at the one year mark because it was going to drag on for awhile because he refused to settle our finances out of court. The meds helped TREMENDOUSLY and I was able to wean off of them just a few months after the divorce was final.

There is no reason to suffer -- I call this "better living through chemistry." Talk to your doctor!

The world is full of jerks and your husband is one of them. You don't deserve to suffer, and you don't have to suffer because of him. Move on, you have your children.

Try this link,maybe this can help..
http://www.simpledivorceadvice.com/planning-and-direction/how-do-i-move-on-after-divorce

i am with you LisaM. i can feel your pain. you are not alone.

I stayed stuck for over a year, it is a hard place to be in, for me having a counselor really helped along with prozac but the thing that has helped the very most has been getting a part time job which sometimes ends up being full time.. One of my biggest mistakes was isolating myself from the world.. I feel bad for all your going through.

hugs

I am sorry you find yourself here. I am glad you found this site. I felt like you feel now. I would talk, talk, talk and feel so alone. I don't believe folks can understand this betrayal if they haven't been through it. So, come here often and keep reaching out. You can let it all out in the journals.

Support groups are great so kudos for getting to them. You are not alone. I found what JodiKaye said to be true. You will reap the rewards of this work. KRKing said what I didn't like to hear back then. Time is your friend. It is a process and it takes time. There are so many layers to what is going on with you right now.

Be good to yourself by doing things just for you. Things you enjoy or with people that make you feel happy.

Hugs

I appreciate everyone's comments. Today was much better. However, every comment and every empowering song I hear, I perceive that is what he's saying about me. Like what cowgirlkathi says near the end about be glad your out and not putting up with the relationship and being disrespected. I feel like he's singing those songs about me. Like God answered his prayers not mine. He has totally pinned so much on me and how awful our relationship was that I believe him. I would said it wasn't perfect but it was life! I guess I just didn't have as many expectations as he did. But in the end he was totally off on so much just grasping for excuses. I do focus on the best of the marriage but come on it wasn't all that bad as he made it to be after 21 + years together. It seems like I just am always seeing this from his point of view. He says he's done nothing wrong we were separated but I didn't realize he was off with someone else. Denying it and hiding it. He should have told me that coward didn't want to ruin his image. I've been told men don't leave after that many years unless there is someone else on the other side. Technically he may be right but according to my bible it says marriage until the divorce is decreed. Argh! Just today I heard a song on radio about being out of relationship and how glad he was that it was over and you're. OT welcome here anymore etc. and all I could relate to was him singing that about me. Sucks!!

Honey, you MUST get the focus off of him and onto yourself! He has done a good job of BRAINWASHING you and your therapist (and perhaps a little Prozac) can help you! FORGET ABOUT WHAT HE IS SAYING OR WHAT HE HAS SAID. He will live out his "truth" and so will you -- YOU know, HE knows, and above all GOD KNOWS WHAT HAPPENED. That's what kept me from going totally bonkers when my runaway H ran around town "re-writing" history. It didn't take long for "everyone" to figure out what the REAL TRUTH was. It was laughable to know that he lamented his woes of having "been soooo unhappy for sooo long" and then, just about a year after our divorce was final his tune changed to "I should have stayed with Kathi."

Well, too bad. So sad. I gave him EXACTLY what he THOUGHT he wanted and now he's a lonely old man who has to keep busting his hump to make up for what he lost in the divorce and keep up with the big fat alimony payments!

Your letting him win. The best revenge is living well. You have to find a way to let it go. Trust that God, Karma, or the Universe...what ever your belief system is... will set things right. One thing I've learned in the 55 years I've been on this earth is...if you live your life honestly and with love...those that wrong you will pay one way or the other and you dont have to do a thing. It may take some time but it always happens. Everything comes full circle. Trust yourself and your process. Trust that you are where you are supposes to be. Trust that things happen for a reason. Know in your heart that you will be okay. Put one foot in front of the other and move forward...try not to look back. If you spend to much time looking back you will miss opportunities in front of you....do not let him win! Big Hugs...Kathy

Ok, LisaMariB, it's time to STOP beating yourself up here! If you are reading stuff into songs you hear on the radio, STOP LISTENING TO THE RADIO! You have GOT TO GET THE FOCUS OFF OF THIS JERK and ONTO YOURSELF NOW -- WHERE IT BELONGS!

Turn a DEAF EAR on what YOU THINK people might be saying or thinking. What other people think about you is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! Ponder that for a bit and it will make sense!

Like dairytech says, talk is cheap and if you live your life in an honest and straightforward way, goodness will follow you all the days of your life.

Keep this in mind, too. My therapist told me many times when I thought, well doesn't this just suck -- I get dumped, he's got all our money, and he's out there running all over the place with the OW and I'm stuck on this stinking farm working my butt off! She said, "Your pain is now. It's big and it's real. Be with it! When you have done your grief work, you will be so ready for the rest of your life -- your NEW LIFE -- you will wonder why you wasted so much time and headspace getting through it. As for HIM -- his pain will come. It may not be for a long time, but trust me -- he hasn't gotten away with anything. And if he EVER shows the pain to you, chances are, you will be so far down the road it won't mean anything to you. So get going!"

I did. She told me that eventually I would run into him somewhere (like the grocery store) and I would have ABSOLUTELY NO FEELINGS TOWARD HIM WHATSOVER. She was right. The last time I saw him somewhere, I recognized him, but I had no feelings for him one way or another. THAT is when I realized that I have reached the point of FORGIVENESS. And so I don't bore everyone else to death, I am sending you via private message, the most helpful piece on forgiveness that I have ever run across. I hope it helps you as much as it helped me.

You will never EVER fully understand how and why he simply rejected your marriage..NEVER! So do what you have to do (SLAP YOURSELF, ALREADY!) and get going!

I'd like that helpful piece on forgiveness too please :)

Of course you feel "stuck", you spent many years of your life together, probably your entire adulthood, as did I. Your lives were intertwined and so it is not going to be easy to untangle him and move forward. Personally I don't like when people tell me he's gone get over it and move on or he's a jerk just forget about him. We each heal at a different pace and all of those questions that are overtaking your mind and keeping you up at night will be there for awhile. My ex-husband had a 2yr affair and he got her pregnant with triplets so I understand the pain of betrayal. I was willing to stay in the marriage on the one condition that he never be in her life again, but he could not comply. Meanwhile I have been picking up the thousands of pieces that he left me in one by one. The financial distress, the pain that my children have endured, my loss of identity and my best friend are all his fault. I love him and I hate him all at once. I want him back in my life sometimes but my therapist says that is because he is familiar and the idea of meeting new people and being vulnerable again terrifies me. Stick with therapy and be honest with yourself. Think about how you would like your life to be in two years, five years, ten years and then take baby steps to attain that goal. Keeping busy will help you to move forward and to lessen the thoughts, regrets and worries you have. Just do your best. Somedays your best may be to lay in bed in your pajamas and that's ok. Do it without guilt. Do what YOU need and what YOU want because YOU deserve it. One day you'll realize you didn't think about him all day, then all week. Then you'll know you'll be ok.