Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
I feel like I'm playing like a broken record. Found out he has a girlfriend through my daughter and son. Really had a hard time with that since he said he divorced me because he didn't love me anymore and couldn't see any changes in the next 6 months. So during our period of what is called separation I always tried to get counceling begged him to communicate and work things out. I tried everything. He refused to talk to me. But I always felt there was hope. Well now it's obvious he's liking his new life especially without me and our kids who are adults 19 and 20. But as things became more disclosed he's been doing thing with her the entire time we were separated. I had gut feelings and intuitions. It's like the pieces of puzzles just feel into place. He claims he divorced me because of me and our marriage. I would ask is there someone else and deny deny deny. Even told him I'd sign whatever he wanted if he would just admit it. And when I didn't sign the dissolution he was furious. My lawyer knew immediately that there was someone else. But I still believed him and all the contrived stories of my failing as a wife he pinned on me. I know enough said he's a jerk. Yet his family has stuck by him and still feel he made the right choice. Amazing his need for happiness was more important than keeping us together as a family in the midst of such life altering traumas (daughter in tragic car accident left paralyzed and I take care of her). He's a shit! So why am I constantly thinking about him and what he's doing and wallowing in how I'm no longer included in his life. The divorce was final at the end of march. We were only separated for less than a year. I've moved from Ohio to Florida to start over with my daughter, my son is in college. I have been blessed here! So why can't I let him go? He could care less about me and has told me to leave him alone. I just can't get over that I mean nothing to him. Someone talk me through this. I just started to see a therapist. I go to divorcecare and a bible study group. Everyone says to focus on me but what does that mean? I have to care for my daughter 24/7. I haven't had a career in over 15 years. Raised the kids. Now im just lost in translation.
I am glad you recognize this as a transition, this too shall pass.
You are at the beginning stage and it feels like you will never move on or make progress but you will!!! I am two years out of any relationship and I can say it does get easier, if you let him go.
You are making some good decisions by going to a divorce group, bible study and seeing a therapist.
Please keep posting, being stuck is part of the transition sometimes.
Although, I was not given the opportunity to turn every stone before my marriage was abandoned, finding closure and acceptance came from discovering his selfish ACTIONS. That was all that I needed for proof. ...defile my marriage, to the curb he goes, and bided farewell. I won't lie, it hurt, and paid dearly.
So, make your list of the crampy things he done for his pursuit of happiness. He seriously doesn't know how to maintain it....there is his FAILURE. You, stand your ground and debunk self doubts. It's conquered by sticking with people who love you, approve you, and who want to see you do well.
With the holdiday and birthday celebrations I'm just the third wheel that gets invited.. I think most because I just happen to be their mother. I don't get to cook anymore.. I was always the cook... I loved it. I call these celebrations "kodak moments" because I;m supposed to smile and make pretty for the camera's and pretend I'm happy and everything is ok in front of everyone.... I have been able to do that somewhat for many years now, but it comes with a hefty price emotionally and health wise for me afterwards. he never brings his women around me.. I think he's afraid to... I have never tried to hurt anyone but myself. I've never been hateful or nasty to him... I'm like a smiling accomodating idiot when he's around. he loves to regale everyone about his travels and his harley and how he LOVES going to beaches all the time.... funny.. he hated to travel before. he always seems to have a suntan now... but I just smile and laugh at his stories while the knife is cutting through me and twisting on each word. The few friends I had when I was married have disappeared... even long term childhood friends. I have maybe 2 people that I talk to. I lost 2 brothers in the last 10 years and he didn't even acknowledge them. But it was me that tracked him down when he briefly moved away and let him know his mother had cancer.
I asked for nothing in the divorce.... I had already lost my house when he left and I couldn't keep up the mortgage, I was working at the time and was supporting myself and my apartment. All I got was my name back. My health has gone to the skids since. the headaches, well I just wished I would die and get it over with already.
I'm tired of just going through the motions of life. The one thing I can call my own is Sophie my dog. I am disappointed when I wake up after sleep... just for the sheer fact that I'm still here and I'm just tired of waking up. Whenever I hear about someone being diagnosed with cancer or something my first thought is always that I would gladly take their disease for them, because then at least I would know I'll be out of this life soon.
Now don't go thinking I'm seriously depressed or sick in my head... I'm just tired and don't see the point of living or whatever anymore. I did that, or at least I thought I did... apparently not so much or I wouldn't be here like this for so long. and don't go telling me that I have my children and grandchildren to live for... I raised 2 great children, they're grown, married have their own lives now.
I used to have a strong personality but not so much anymore. After years of having to censor myself and just slap on a smile for the kodak moments... the old me is long gone. Now I'm just existing. I just wish I was old enough to run away and join the circus... or would hit the lottery and could just go find a nice little house on a beach somewhere. My favorite movie is Cast Away lol.... I could and I would relish being alone on a deserted island.
So now that I've gone on and on here.. I hope you will see that maybe your life isn't so bad after all..
As for next weeks kodak moment... I bought a turkey tv dinner for me and sophie :) we like each others company and we'll be fine here in our bat cave.
Do NOT under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES invite him to your new place or to dinner. TRUST ME ON THIS -- the only thing that will accomplish is to SET YOU BACK EMOTIONALLY.
The marriage is OVER. FORGET ABOUT IT. FORGET ABOUT HIM. You may not have any choice in the matter if he wants to see your daughter, BUT you can and MUST protect yourself by keeping away from him. PERIOD.
He doesn't respect you now and he probably never did. No need to be a doormat.
Screw what your parents (and especially HIS family may want). This isn't about THEM -- it's about YOU -- your feelings and preserving YOUR sanity.
And STOP TEXTING WITH HIM, TOO! You are divorced. There is a good reason why they are called our Xs. GOT IT? THEN JUST DO IT!
I feel like he's singing those songs about me. Like God answered his prayers not mine. He has totally pinned so much on me and how awful our relationship was that I believe him. I would said it wasn't perfect but it was life! I guess I just didn't have as many expectations as he did. But in the end he was totally off on so much just grasping for excuses.
As I'm reading or hearing about the need to let a relationship go.....I think of it from my Ex's position. It's not a good place to be. I feel your pain. May you be able to expel him from your mind and look at life from just your perspective. Peace and hope to you.
Jodi
This "pinning so much on me" is so much b.s.! THEY ALL DO THIS! If we "take it on" that's OUR PROBLEM. You simply have to get to the point where you decide that you are NOT going to let it get to you. This behavior is soooo typical of runaway husbands....visit the website www. runawayhusbands.com and read it for yourself!
Better yet, GET THE BOOK and read it with a highlighter in your hand! You may have to do this over and over, but it's a great read and extremely helpful.
Taking the FOCUS OFF OF THEM and the b.s. that comes out of their mouths is KEY to moving on! Trust me on this -- and remember: What they say about YOU says more about THEM than it does about anything else."
Big hugs to you both!
My ex did the same thing and blamed everything on me. I was a horrible person, woman, female, wife...you name it. I sometimes feel like a dung beetle clawing it's way out of the pile of horse manure he dumped on me but I am getting there. I am receiving so much validation from other areas in my life that his b.s is becoming irrelevant. I'm taking Kathi's advise and getting that book. We will all pull our selves out of the muck. I'm positive.
Hugs to you!
Remember that the author of Runaway Husbands is Vikki Stark and SHE IS A MEMBER OF THIS GROUP! Her name here is DivorceSherpa. Look her up and FRIEND HER! And get the book! Visit the website. Read, read, read. Vikki KNOWS all about this stuff BECAUSE SHE LIVED IT HERSELF and the book is based on hundreds of interviews with women just like us!
Our X's may have left us in a pile of crap, BUT IT'S OUR FAULT IF WE STAY THERE! Get moving, ladies! If I did it, you can too!
Your confirmation of "What am I thinking!!! " suggest that you are going through the after-the-fact dissonance thinking . Cognitive Dissonance is when we know the ex's actions are unacceptable and then DOUBTING sets in. You haven't thoroughly convinced yourself to REJECT the ex. It's time to reject the rejector.
Try formulating your boundary settings and repeating your convictions. Your power will come back in remembrance.
-You are not willing to put up with disrespect.
-You are not hoping that there is a wonderful person hidden inside ex's hard facade.
-You are not willing to pretend the relationship was good. And lastly
- You either treat me with integrity, dignity and respect or you don't treat me at all.
I have stuck to my morals. I've been asked out, but I'm still married and won't budge on that. Marriage is until the divorce decree as you say. God did Not answer his Prayers. He allowed the devil into the marriage. That's all there is to that. They will have to stand in the Adultery line on judgement day. You won't be in that line. It isn't Your sin, it's his. As long as you stick to your morals You will be o.k. God is with You. Your x is grasping, just as you say.
((hugs))
I was not cheated on and I never use the word abandoned, because for me, I am not a victim, and he did not run off and disappear, it was a decision he made, and for him it was over. He ended the relationship, and he is a responsible type, as he is paying me support. Abandoned is no financial responsibility or a dead beat dad that ran off and left you with all the bills and the responsibility. Sorry, but that abandoned tag makes me feel victim and helpless, I am neither, and don't think that way because I can bet you are not helpless. What I learned is all relationships end eventually, and often we have no control over it, and that being in a bad relationship is worse than being alone. Needy is never attractive and making someone you whole life, not advised. I made him too much our life!
Our couples therapist recommend Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, and I never ever thought much of John Gray. Fast Forward and I found his dating book quite helpful when I was divorced. I also like Barbara D'Angelis... she has some great books not picking the wrong person because you don't know who you are... IT gets better, but like all things in life, you have to work on it! HUGS
I'm glad you have read the Gift of Betrayal and I think you will really benefit from reading Runaway Husbands. BUT the purpose of recommending those books to you was NOT for you to look for clues as to why he did what he did or to keep hashing it over in your mind. The point was to HELP YOU MOVE FORWARD and get your thinking focused ON SOMETHING ELSE -- Like your New, Better Life WITHOUT HIM!
MsTerey's comment about "abandonment" vs. "leaving the relationship" is a matter of semantics in my opinion. Whatever you call it, your X decided on his own that the marriage was over and like many of us (infidelity or NOT), we had to go through the shock of it and then work hard to reach the point of acceptance. It's tough, but it IS POSSIBLE!
As to whatever "he and his family" say or think -- WHO CARES? At this point, it doesn't make any difference -- or at least it shouldn't. This is an opportunity for you to stand on your own and carve out a new life for yourself, but as long as you hang onto this bitterness and internal pissing match, you will remain stuck right where you are.
Yes, I was pretty angry for awhile, but by the time the divorce was final (18 Months of Hell later) I realized that the anger wasn't really doing anything but making me old before my time. It had served its purpose and I surely didn't want to get any of those lines on my face that dour old people have!
You simply MUST find a way to STOP THIS LINE OF THINKING! It's over and done with. It is what it is. The choice is yours now -- move forward (even if it's just tiny steps at a time) and stop living in the past. A much better life awaits you -- I'm NOT blowing smoke here: most of the oldtimers here will tell you the same thing. But it takes a CONSCIOUS EFFORT to do that. I know you can do it!