Welcome kamary,
I was out of touch with my daughter for three years. She said she was okay with the divorce but when it was final she started disappearing from my life. From Jan 2007 to a year ago this past Thanksgiving I only saw her once a year and that was Thanksgiving.

I'm not sure how much her father influenced her. I do know when I had to take him back to court he called her and she was right there for him. But she was always daddy's little girl.I would call about every three weeks and leave a message. "Hi, I love you. I miss you. Call when you can." Then I would hang up. Three years of this except for Thanksgivings.

She has a daughter now just short of 10 momths old and is back in my life. I won both court hearings against the ex and I think he finally showed her what he really is. She's been back in my life a year now. She called me when she was 3 months pregnant and I saw her a year ago this past Thanksgiving. I almost didn't recognize her because she had lost weight, let her hair grow out and was 5 months along by then.

How did I cope? I have a farm and stayed really busy and gave her the space she seemed to need. I didn't push to have contact and I just lived my life without her in it. I was scared I would never get her back. I missed her teribly. The baby has helped to bring us back together. We've never talked about what happened and why she cut me off. I'm not rocking the boat right now and I'm sure I'll find out eventually.

I know this probably wasn't very helpful but you know your children and will have to do what works for you and them. What worked for me may not work for you. I just knew that to push my daughter would drive her farther from me.

Welcome kamary. Hope that you can find your answers in her and we hope that we help you.:)

Welcom kamary. I think there is a member of this group (simolin maybe?) who is a member of a group about estranged children. I'm so sorry you are experiencing this! I don't have the same experience so I don't have anything to share in this area but I will always listen.
Prayers and hugs.
Diane

Thank you for your replies, everyone.

I'm glad you don't have estrangement problems, Drtexdi. Thank you for suggesting someone else who may have found some answers.

Trisha, I'm sorry you had some years of estrangment, too. It seems that it takes a while for adult children of divorce to process the whole thing? Especially when they're being influenced by one party? I've found pushing is not appreciated, being sad is not allowed, any emotion is not allowed. I was worried that no contact could result in never contact, so have opted for occasional email - no pressure, just normal short notes about what's happening in family etc. Also sent odd surprise packages like home-made pickles - again no pressure, just the surprise. This one estranged from both my ex and me (married back then) for 6 months about 12 years ago. We were advised to do what she said "Please don't contact me." It was the hardest thing I've ever done and I developed fibromyalgia, but she did call after 6 months and ask if she could come home for the weekend. She came and spent the whole weekend telling us how much she loves us and what great parents we are!! No apology, no explanation, no nothing.

Now she's only estranged me since the divorce in Dec 2009. (sorry about 3yrs in my post but have been separated 3 years ago, divorced 2 years ago) - not my ex. I had to call her a few months ago because one of her childhood friends had died after a fall from her horse. The call was accepted immediately when she would normally not take my calls. After a long chat about her friend and other things, she suddenly told me she loved me very much. Ok, so how do they love you but don't want anything to do with you!!!

She is coming to town in a couple of weeks and has asked if she can come around one day. She's staying with my ex. I have no idea how long she's staying. She has a new boyfriend I haven't been told anything about. I hope to be able to keep calm and just be myself. It's very hard when I don't know what it is about "myself" that she doesn't like.

Your story has been very helpful. I think it's right to give my daughter her space and have been doing that except for the emails and 2 surprise parcels plus birthday and christmas cards and gifts.

love and hugs
kamary

Well, you have been extremely patient and maybe you are being rewarded now. I sure hope and pray that you are. I looked back at previous posts and it is simolin who recommended the group "Positive Parents of Estranged Children." I looked at the group and it looks like a good group.

I'm so sorry that your kids are doing that to you. I don't have any advice but am sending lots of support (Hugs) - Have a good time with your daughter. I hope this is a break through meeting and that there becomes more and more visits and fun times with her.

Thanks drtexdi, I'll have a look at PPEC. Am I right in thinking that estrangement doesn't necessarily follow a divorce after a long marriage?

Thank you for your words of encouragement, KRKing911.

Kamary:
I don't think that estrangement necessarily accompanies divorce. My daughter has always been extremely manipulative and exhibits many signs of being sociopathic and narcissistic. Her history from the time she was a teenager was to give both me and the now-X the "cold shoulder" when she couldn't have her way.

When we divorced in 2007, she clearly wanted to play both sides of the fence which backfired on her. At the present time, she isn't talking to EITHER of us due to an unrelated issue. As unfortunate as it is, I have learned that no contact is the only way to go in my situation. She would go silent for MONTHS at a time over the years anyway, only "resurfacing" before her birthday and Christmas. This says a whole lot about the depth of her character, and I don't take it on.

Welcome kamary... it's particulary nice for me to meet you as I too am estranged from my son who is now 18. I was married 31 years, separated for almost 2 years and divorced for almost 2 weeks. Son stayed with his dad.. I am the one that left as well...I can really relate to this subject.

I've had very little contact with my son the past 2 yrs. We've had a couple of good conversations, but nothing that seems to last. I'm hoping as time goes on he'll come around - I know in my heart that I did what I could. I'm no doctor, but I have seen sociopathic behavior from him. I send him texts, sometimes he answers, sometimes he doesn't. I try to remind him that the door is always open.

I guess I should take a bigger tour of DS. I wasn't aware of the PPEC group but I'm definately going to check it out.

I'm so sorry you have found yourself here, but it has been such a great source of support for me. I wish I had found it sooner than I did.

I don't have any specific advice about coping, but I'm open to suggestions! LOL I've had some pretty low days. Thanks goodness they do eventually pass. One day, one hour at a time sometimes.

CowgirlKathi, your daughter sounds like she's been a handful!

Yorkieluvr, I love your parrot avitar. I'm sorry to hear you're having difficulty relating to your son since your separation and divorce. As Trisha says, some kids need space at first. I guess they take a while to get used to the idea that their parents are no longer together and how that will effect their lives. Some become quite angry with the parent who chooses to leave. My son is also not answering every text or email that I send, but he's not bad at answering a phone call, especially if I leave a voice message. I think he's just burying himself in his work and trying to move on in his own life. I feel very hurt that I'm not having more contact with him, but am ok with giving him the space to find his way. He's 26 so has already chosen his career and has a strong "tribe" of friends where he lives. I hope your son and mine will "come around" in time. If there has been no real friction, it probably will be okay.

My eldest daughter is the real problem. She cut me off completely for a while without any warning. Suddenly, I discovered she'd been here in town for a week, staying with my ex, and hadn't even told me she was coming - Christmas 2 years ago. When I told her I felt left out, she told me "it was all in my mind". I still don't see the connection. How could the fact that she hadn't told me she's in town be "in my mind". She must have meant something else and isn't telling me what. I can guess but won't know until she tells me herself. If this day together next week is the beginning of a better relationship with her, and she chooses once again to reconcile without apology or explanation, I'll be going along with it. I've already chosen to start again with a clean slate and let the past stay where it belongs.

I'm a member of the Haven of Peace for Estranged Parents on DS. I had a look at PPEC and it looks good too. I find talking to people who are in the same boat is very helpful, especially if we can help each other cope and get past the traumas and the really down days. Learning how to be yourself and feel confident in yourself helps, too.

I'm sorry we've all found ourselves here. It must be fabulous to marry someone and stay happily married until death, so in love that you're both willing to work through any difficulties and make it right. I was so sad when I left my ex and I still have sad days when I think of the what he was like when I married him. I really miss that guy. He's been long gone now, and I waited far too long for his return. I'm glad we're divorced and that I no longer live with someone who treated me as though I'm not worth anything. I let him do that until I believed it was true myself. That won't happen again.

When I'm having down days, I usually allow myself the luxury of some crying and feeling sad. Once it passes, I usually pick up with a few affirmations and getting on with something. Keeping busy doing things I enjoy usually helps a lot. I do some deep breathing, stay in the moment and don't think about the past or the future for a while. And as you say, the low days eventually pass.

It's lovely to find a group of people in the same boat, though I do hope that we all recover and get past it and are able to move on to find happiness again.

Kamary, Welcome and all I can add is it tough to deal with kids, married or divorce, widowed for that matter. I have no kids, and can't offer much on to being estranged, other than I am sure that it is hard, double hard in divorce.

I think you are so honest in your feelings, and I for one, did miss the good times and the good guy I was married a lot of years to also. I often had to pull out my list, of what I do not miss about him and our life... and I kept a list and we have posted those on this site. I think no matter how strong we are, we do start with the self doubt and do believe, even if not for long that we have lost self worth. I at one time thought will I ever stop thinking of him way too much. I did, and hard to believe that a few years post divorce, I can say, I like being divorced and like my life. It took time to get there, but with each passing year, I embrace it and like who I am. I once said, I think I like me, it was him who didn't like me, and more important, he did not like himself and blamed me! It does take time, and here we all come from different backgrounds, but we all that one thing in common. We are divorced, or are in the process. Best to you and welcome.

Kamary, I am sorry you are having problems with your children, i can not imagine how heartbreaking that would be.

((hugs))

Hi kamary..welcome to our group. I'm so sorry your having issues with your daughter..it must be very painful for you. Divorce is difficult enough. I hope everything works out for you and your daughter...Big Hugs...Kathy

Not estranged but sometimes I think I might be better off not seeing them. I had a husband who walked out on me and just married her last weekend. My son was his best man in the wedding and the other 2 daughters took my grand children. I have one daughter, the youngest that lives with me that did not go. She knows first hand how her dad did me. The others not so much because they were already living on their own and only concerned for their own situations. For me it breaks my heart because to me they should of said "No dad, we do not agree with your affair and will not support your marriage. I still can't believe they all went. It is just unbelievable to me. I like you was the one that took care of them while dad was no where around and today my 28 year old son says "mom, dad is giving you $400 a month out of the kindness of his heart, he don't owe you anything" I want to look at him and say 'really'. Are you kidding me right now. I must say, it has been a year and the only thing I have left to deal with is seeing the girl write my last name as her last name and meeting her in person face to face at my daughter in laws baby shower. After that, Whew, how stressful. Coping is hard some days but it gets better, I am not on here much, I work 4 jobs and stay busy. As I look back now I see that I have just learned to let things happen and quit trying to make things happen. I am learning to accept my part time jobs and be thankful for them instead of being angry and wanting to knock anyone out that might step in front of me. I feel better because I am now seeing that I have a little money saved in the bank and I can do this and be independent. Just be easy on yourself. Sorry you are going through this but you are not alone, stay on DS daily if you have to. These people are great to have as friends. Good luck to you.

Thank you to everyone for the warm welcomes.

MsTerey, the list idea is a good one. I'll make mine today. I have to force myself to remember when I'm sad about him, and I go through all the bad things in my mind until I feel better. A written list might even help prevent the bad days :) It's good to hear that you've moved on and are a whole lot happier. I know I'm on the way. Bit more time yet, but I can see the end of the tunnel now. I like waking up in the morning to my friendly cat and happy bird calls outside instead of the stony face I grew to dread. It's much better.

Kg, do not wish estrangement upon you. It's not better in any way. You're very fortunate to be part of your children's lives even though it's very hard at the moment. Yes, it would have been nice if they could see our sides as clearly as we thought they would. I just reckon they're still young and they may be remembering our unhappiness more than the years of fun and love we enjoyed when they were kids. I'm told by many that it takes time to develop new ways of relating after divorce. Not only time, but patience and steadfast will to make it all right in the end. Sooo hard.

I struggle with the idea that there's another woman in my children's lives, possibly taking on my role as mother. The thought on its own is enough to send me down for days. The thing is, though, that we are the mothers. No one can take our place in that position and I reckon it's up to me to continue to be the best mother I can, for their sake and for my own. One way I deal with thoughts of the other woman is to think that he will be treating her the way he treated me, and I actually feel rather sorry for her at times. I remember that I chose to leave an unhappy life and I haven't changed my mind. I simply don't want him so she can have him. It's ok.

Good luck at the shower. Remember that you are the mother. Be yourself and hold your head up. Be a great person, wear a nice outfit, give a gift you're happy with and love your family anyway. I'm discovering that self-respect is much more important than other respect, though both are important.

I haven't considered the idea of his remarrying as yet. Might keep my head in the sand on that one a bit longer :)

I love "I have just learned to let things happen and quit trying to make things happen". Acceptance and living in the moment are difficult to attain but well worth the effort. I find if I can do just what you said, I can be quite deliriously happy sometimes.

BTW, no matter what your son said, you deserve the money your ex is giving you! And I'm glad he is giving it to you. Mine paid me an allowance for 6 months, then cut me off when it would cost me as much to force him to pay me as I would get.

Thanks for the support.
kamary