Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group

I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...

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/ Divorce after Twenty years together Support Group

Hi everyone! Need some advice.

LisaMariB
LisaMariB

It's been 7, yes 7, years!!!  Can't believe it!  I was an absolute mess 7 years ago.  This group really helped me put things into perspective.  We were married 21 years, and this was the only site that dealt with long term relationship issues.  Thank you all for that.


So here I am, still same situation.  Living with my paralyzed daughter (now 27!!) who has made great strides in her recovery and independence.  She works part-time, just got her drivers license and is the healthiest she's ever been both spiritually and physcially.  I'm still her care give as she still needs help.  I'm working part time.  I've made it through last year with a bout of breast cancer.  After double masectomy, chemo, and hell... I'm now on the upswing!  


Soooo... amongst all those years, my X got married last year to his OW from work that he conviently left for another life.  Thank you to chumplady.com for putting me straight.  The other person who saved my life.  Anyway, the X never comes around and I haven't seen him over 4 or 5 years.  We don't talk or text.  Notta. Nothing.  I get the "I don't understand why we can't be friends."  Puke.  So we live in different states and areas of country.  He visits his daughter once or twice a year.  They talk sometimes and small text but other than that not much since he's busy with his new life with his new wife and her family. BTW she's never been married and has no kids so family I mean her side of the family (sister, brother, in-laws, mother, etc.)


Next month my D is having her annual fundraising event at the recovery center she's been going to try to regain movement in her legs.  Great progress.  This will be the third year she gets the opportunity to "walk" down a red carpet with her trainers to show everyone her progress.  He's never attended.  Yeah for me.  BUT this year he may come for the event with his OW-wife. Ouch!  I work the event since I also work for the recovery center too.  He's encrouching my turf!  I know.  My axiety.  I want him to see what she actually does!  He's only been to the recovery 2 times!!!!  That's it in 7 years!  Like I said he visits maybe once a year and usally on weekend 3 day visit.  I feel for my D as that's her dad but true colors show through.  She see's it.  


So my advice I need is... how do I handle this?  He and OW-wife coming up to registration table that I'm working and being in the same place.  argh... not feeling very good about myself and this situation.


Thanks everyone!

Moscato
Moscato
I 've yet to have to see my ex and his wife (who was the OW) together. When both of our kids got married, she was not included. I would smile and say hello, but no need to make lengthy conversation unless you want to. Busy yourself throughout the event with other things and people and keep smiling!
Timeman
Timeman
Hello LisaMariB, I've been through some simular situations wife my x. Although she didn't get remarried, it was still her whole family that I had to face. BTW- her family abanded me after my x left. Never talked to me. So it was hard seeing them and they not even saying hi to me. After they were my family to for 40 years. Wasn't easy. Let's face it, it's going to be uncomfortable for you too. A couple of suggestions ........Maybe when you see them coming to redgister, you can get someone else to take your place. Also, when you see/meet them... I would just say hi..... THATS IT... NOTHING MORE. Try to concentrate on daughter and friends. Remember this: You did nothing wrong..... Nothing to be ashamed of. You can hold your head up high. BTW Lisa, you're a strong person to go through everything that you said. God nevertheless you and your daughter. Take care...... Bob.
PS. Head up high!
Community Leaderbobinmaine
bobinmaine
I pray that you will one day be able to live your life without anger or resentment.

God Bless
Snipsnipe
Snipsnipe
my kids know their mom is a self-centered turd
she is "in" their life unlike your ex
but all on her terms

different sides of the same coin

it took me 5 years to get to point to where i'll converse with her in front of kids rather than avoid her, i converse as i would with a stranger that i don't know while waiting in a line, i figure that the less i draw attention to the fact that their mother is what she is the easier it is for the kids to enjoy themselves

it is great news that your daughter continues onward, marvel at her strength, focus on seeing her and noticing things about her that you kind of take for granted because you are around her so much , kind of see her for the first time this weekend, your ex won't make waves in your head
Atpeacemary
Atpeacemary
Hugs my friend. You will be fine. Gee, Just smile and be pleasant as you would to a stranger. I had a field day when I was at my grand daughter's birthday party. I sat at the same table, right across from them. I forgot they were there because I was so busy talking with people. Having a good time. I even served them cake and coffee. Then I stood up, turned around and walked away. Smiling. You should focus on the event, not them.
trisha9054
trisha9054
You will get thru this. You are stronger than you think. You've come so far and you will get past this too. Good to hear your daughter is doing a lot better.
LisaMariB
LisaMariB
He never came! Imagine that... he should've been there for her. I'm so glad he doesn't come because i don't want the confrontation, but i feel so bad for her that he continues not to show. This is the 3rd year she's walked the red carpet and he's not been to one of them. I have no contact with him so it's not like i influenced him. He's only been to her recovery center to watch her workout like 3x!!!!! in 8 years!!!!! I know I will eventually have to interact with him and her, but for now I'm better off not being anywhere near them. I'll keep the 900 mile distance!!! and be here for my daughter.
Moscato
Moscato
How disappointing for your daughter that he didn't come. It sounds like that's his pattern and that probably isn't going to change if it hasn't yet. I understand your feelings of relief that he isn't there so you don't have to interact with him and his wife. I would feel the same. Keep being the great mother that you are for your daughter.
trisha9054
trisha9054
It's his loss that he didn't attend to see his daughter walk the red carpet. HIs loss is your gain. While your daughter doesn't have her father in her life she has you. Deep down she knows what he is and she will have a great life without her dad in it.
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