Don't impact your own relationship with your children and grandchildren to benefit that good-for-nothing scum. That could be the biggest mistake you could make in divorce. You are still under the "spell" of an abuser if you are worried about him getting mad. Get thee to a counselor ASAP! For you sake, for the sake of your children and grandchildren!

I do go to Alanon. Sometimes I go twice a day. I have been trying to stop beating myself up, but I feel so responsible. My adult children and grand children are the ones that I have been holding together for and now I've alienated them too.

I've been crying uncontrollably for 5 days straight. I can't believe that I can not stop. All the years of being in charge of my kids is coming out. I'm not in charge. Maybe I never really was. I'm a rescuer. It's time that I rescue myself from this insane behavior.

Thank you Sciteacher. I too am a teacher. Math and Science. You are direct and too the point. I am too. I like it that way. No sugar coating. That's good for me. I still find it extremely difficult to break the tie that I have with him. I still feel like I'm his wife. But, he has chosen other woman. Makes me sick. I cannot understand why he would choose her over me???? That is what gets me. We are both very codependent. He comes to me and talks about her. I call him and ask for comfort. Crazy huh???

I am trying one day at a time. As long as today I don't contact him, maybe I can make it. Only for today!!

Get thee to a therapist as soon as possible.

One day at a time, hullibee. At one stage, it was one hour at a time for me! so if you struggle with a whole day, go for one hour. Give yourself a reward for every hour.

Just thinking, with the issue with your kids as well, it might be wise to slowly break the contact with him. It'll be harder on you but might not alienate the kids if you take longer to answer his calls or texts, and gradually spend less time talking to him? Just a thought. I know it's not as effective for your own peace as going completely 'no contact', but you don't want to upset your relationship with your kids. This is where a therapist or counsellor comes in. Is there any way you could manage a chat with someone like that?

love and hugs
kamary

Hullibee,

You may need some anti-depressants to help you through the initial stages of this grieving process. The Meds can help stabilize your mood which will help you gain control and work on no contact.

Sending hugs!!

I am on antidepressants. I also have Xanex that I take when it gets over whelming. I hesitate taking the Xanex because I don't want to get too dependent. I guess at this time I really need them.

Thank you hurinandhealing. I will remember its about me getting better. I cannot depend on anyone else to make me better.

I hear you everyone. I do go to Alanon, everyday since this incident happened. I am learning. The codependency is very strong. I know that. I am trying one day at a time.

I have backed off on my daughter and grand children. It will get better. I still go to sporting events but no longer tell alcoholic husband. I leave that up to him.

Thanks for all the hugs.

Good for you, still attending for your grandkids, and leaving what he does/doesn't do up to him. Good step. Keep up the good work! You, and your relationships with your kids/grandkids are worth it.

I'm so glad to hear you have taken these steps! You go girl!! I'm proud of you! Come back here when you need a pep talk.

You are definitely stronger than you think. You made steps in the right direction. :) Good for you. I know codependency is so strong, believe me, but you have to fight it as much as you can. I still wish I had him to lean on especially when I have to learn to do things I never did before. For instance, I need had my taxes done and I went and took care of it. Sounds like nothing but for me it is a big thing. I never had to get my car inspected and renewal done so guess what? It's March and the registration expired last Nov. I've been driving a car with an expired registration!!! Found that out by accident when my taxes were being done. Man asked me if I paid registration fees and I had no idea what he was talking about. So I did that a few days ago. Felt so stupid but won't let that happen again. I am learning and it is a good thing. So YOU will also be ok. Just be confident that you will get better bit by bit. I know we probably won't be able to rid ourselves of codependency feelings altogether but we can change our behaviors. Do you have any single friends? I met some divorced and widowed neighbors that I can relate to and feel normal with. That would help you too - try to find single women your age and talk to them. It won't make you feel so alone in this. Keep coming on here for support and encouragement. You are a professional with a career. You have a lot going for you. You have a family. You are healthy. You are a nice person. You have support. Keep telling yourself these words. Take care and many hugs,
Donna

I don't have any single friends. Very difficult to make friends when I just want to hibernate or I'm crying all the time. I do go to divorce care once a week. Plus Alanon almost every day. It's the only thing getting me through. Thanks for your support.

I totally understand about not having any single friends. I didn't during my divorce and still don't. I know no one else in the real world like me who was married a long time then divorced. All my friends are married. It IS hard at our age, but just focus on YOU, your kids and grandkids and you'll make it. You're doing all the right things and definitely keep coming back here. We're here for you! Maybe someone else has a good suggestion on how to find these single friends. Are you affiliated with a church or any organizations?

HUGS to you...

I recently gone back to church. I also go to alanon meetings but they are usually married living with their alcoholic. It's hard to expect friends when I'm so dysfunctional. Wish I could smile and be happy. Just can't seem to manage.

I had another dysfunction happen over the weekend.

Alcoholic husband took 12 year old grandson to girlfriends house to 'play' with her kids. This put grandson in a bad situation because he was told to tell grandpa NO that he wasn't allowed to go to her house. (this is the 2nd time he did this). Daughter and I confronted grandson which makes him be in the middle. Caused a lot of drama. Grandson texted grandpa and told him we were mad. Grandpa says its None of Our Business what he does with grandson. WRONG!!! Daughter's husband flipped out and grounded grandson. I don't really think they should have done that it is not his decision he just wants to be with grandpa.

I cannot believe husband would put our grandson through this kind of pain. He must know that its wrong but he is so drunk that he cannot think straight. I don't think I am trying to control I feel like I am trying to protect grandson from seeing grandpa with girl friend. Am I wrong to be angry and sad???