You seem to be co-dependent. You are trying to please everyone. Are you seeing a therapist? If you don't want to see a therapist, I highly recommend joining AL-Anon. It is for people who have loved ones who are alcoholics. It was a huge help to me when I was married to an alcoholic. It helps with other difficult relationships too, It's free.

http://al-anon.org/?gclid=CNiI3f2AocQCFQsFaQodhRIAmA

You cannot control another person. I was married to an alcoholic for 23 years. The father of my children,
they hated me when I left him. Said he has stopped drinking so now you leave. That was my first husband.

The only person you can control is you. You might see if there are any Al-anon groups in your area. They are
really good for people involved with an alcoholic.

You need to move on. Your children will understand with time what is going on.

I agree with Misred and missd. Al-anon would be a great place to start. Also, I would let your children and your STBX handle their own relationships and not get involved. If your children want their father at their kids' events, THEY should invite him or not invite him. THEIR call, not yours. Their relationship with their father should be just that...one that doesn't involve YOU. I did this with my adult children and it worked out really well.

I am a child of an alcoholic father and a sister to an alcoholic brother. I 100% support your kids and grand kids decision. They have every right to make that decision and you have no right to violate it. As the others have already said...seek help for yourself and do not force your co-defendant beliefs on others. Whether he is their father or not.

I went to Al-Anon and learned how to deal with them...my brother can visit me anytime...he will always be welcome...he just cant come to my home drunk...I have not seen him in 15 years and we live in the same town. My father passed away in my early 20's....he did to my mom and us kids exactly what your H did...shame shame on them...and you want to support him in a relationship with your adult children and grandchildren????...and your at work crying over this....give your head a shake...Big Hugs...Kathy

One thing I learned in counseling and working through my codependency is that I don't have to save the world. We are all responsible for our own lives and if others, including your alcoholic x. It is not your responsibility to get him acceptance I agree with dairytech, your kids and grandkids have every right to make that decision. When we try to make it all better for others, it usually backfires on us. I'm so sorry you're in so much pain but it's worth it if it's a learning experience. That is how I see each and every situation. I never thought I'd be able to leave well enough alone, but through hard work and laying down my control, I am now free to only worry about myself. Whew! I love it!

Big hugs

Step back and relax, my friend. He is the one that is causing all this drama, not you. I, too tried get my adult children and their father to have a relationship. But every time I thought I had made headways, he would sabotage it. They are adults and they have to protect their children. Please do not try to do what I did. It will only cause more heartache and anxiety. My father was an abusive, cheating, alcoholic. Hugs my friend.

Ditto what the others say. Please look into some support for codependency. You should go to your grandkids games and he should go, or not, based on HIS relationship with the kids, not YOUR relationship with them.

As a card carrying codependent person in recovery, and with love, not judgment, you're only in the middle because your actions have put you there, and it's not a good place.

Step back, look to getting and staying healthy, and remember, the only thing we can control, and are responsible for, in this world is our own attitude.

Take care.

Hello,
It's not your responsibility that your x goes to these games.
Your children ask you not to bring him. If I were you I would respect
thier wishes or,.........or could could land up loosing them. In a good way,
Your lucky that you still have a good relationship with your children
and Grandchildren. You have all that love to give and receive .
It took 6 years for my son and I to get back together after a close relationship a
L our lives. Btw- my x left me for someone else after 38 years .
So.......get away from your x....let him the other woman. That won't work out with
them either. Live YOUR LIFE ...respect your childrens wishes. And love them all.
Timeman

You can't fix this, grand pa being a drunk is a stupid choice by grandpa, too bad for him, if your kids want to keep a drink away from their kids consider it to be good judgement

Get yourself to a counselor right away! He left you for another and you are taking him to sporting events with the kids and grandkids?! The others are right--it is HIS job to forge a relationship with the kids.

When you say, "I can't control his drinking. I can only support," what do you mean? If support means enabling, going to counseling or AlAnon will help you understand the difference between supporting and enabling an alcoholic.

You have to worry about you and your healing. Being sad and crying a lot is not healthy. Time for you to find the happiness you deserve.

Sending hugs.

Your ex is an adult. Your children are adults. It's not your job to ensure he stays in his grand children's lives or his kids for that matter. This is a little thing that I like to call-"Not your problem anymore." Don't get me wrong, I think it's admirable that you give a flying fig (or any other kind of fig for that matter) about your ex maintaining some sort of relationship with them but that's his cross to bear now. Not yours.

No good deed goes unpunished right? If your kids want him around, let them invite him. If they don't-that's fine too. If he wants to go then he should go. If he doesn't then he doesn't. Point is you're not involved in any of it; ergo you can't be blamed.

Time to enjoy the selfishness of your ex leaving you for another woman. Worry about you. Take care of you. Let the other adults in your life take care of themselves.

Sending support and hugs your way.

lemaym1.wordpress.com/

I agree with the others. I would respect my children's wishes and stay out of their relationship with their father. In fact, IMO, you'll move on and feel a whole lot better if you have as little contact with him as possible. Concentrate on being the best mum and grandma you can be, and make your time with your kids and grandkids fun. They'll love you for it. It will also free you up to spend more time living your own life, finding your place in the world after divorce.

Please find someone to talk to, a therapist, or your doctor and get the help you need to heal.

love and hugs
kamary

He walked away from you and his kids. You can't fix a drunk; you can only work on yourself. He doesn't need to be around the grandkids when drinking. You're not letting him feel the consequences of his drinking if you keep supporting him.

At his age he might never stop drinking and you must honor your children's wish not to have him at the grandkids games.

I don't understand at all WHY you are taking him to the games. Or even wanting him to go. He cheated on you after all those years of marriage. He is an alcoholic and you are an enabler. Get help right away and walk away from him. It will be hard - I understand that but you need to move on. I too am a total co-dependent and my husband left me after 33 years of marriage about 18 months ago. I thought I would die. But today I went to a new therapist because the past month I have been regressing so much. She simply stated that I had been begging for love and affection from my narcissistic mother all my life and my husband for most of my marriage. My husband did everything for me but was emotionally unavailable and very unaffectionate to me and being so codependent myself I never would have left him. I made my life to be so wrapped up in making him happy. So the therapist said if I spent my whole life looking for this affection and begging for it then it will take a long time to change that in my mind - to become whole and have self-esteem and feel loveable. So go to a counselor or Al-Anon to work out why you are the way you are.

BTW, my father is 86 and just told me that he just found out that his siblings like him are so angry that they had an alcoholic mother who embarrassed them when they were growing up. He said he can never get over it because it ruined his youth. He and his twin brother joined the Army to get away but he did not re-enlist like he wanted to because he felt he had to go back home to watch his mother. He regrets that decision too and realizes that he should have lived his own life. He had no idea that this behavior is now called codependency.

Good luck - it will be so hard (as I know) but you owe it to yourself to know why you do what you do and how to break old self-destructive behaviors. Show your children/grands how strong you can be and build yourself and your life up. It is actually challenging but it does feel good when you gain self-awareness and do what you can to become a better and stronger woman.

Everyone on this site is kind, loving and so supportive but tell the truth in a firm nice way. Sometimes I tend to be more abrupt but only because I know that person needs the truth and will gain something from that. No use in sugar-coating - when I hear the sometimes brutal truth about myself it stings but motivates me to move forward and make changes. But anyone here will tell you that no matter what you do it is still a PROCESS and just takes time. It helps to understand that and do the hard work of grieving the losses, building new friendships, and just living life as a single person. I hate it but since I have no choice I have adjusted to living alone now and am beginning to enjoy some times at home alone.

Sorry this is so long but I finally have a few days off from work and have some extra time to write. It's 2 AM and so I am calling it a night.

Best wishes and lots of hugs,
Donna

I was raised with am alcoholic father.
I'm the youngest of four brothers.
I rememberamy times my father coming home drunk and yell
: I'll kill that SOB.. meaning my mother. In those days we didn't have a phone
in the house. We used a pay phone NY a little grocery store.
My mothet would give me a Nickel to go call the police. This happened
many times. I would just tell the my name and that my father
Is causing trouble again.. By that time they knewy address
They would come over, take him away over night. He would be good for about a month and
then do it again. Finally my mother took the four of us and left him
I was about 10 or 11 years old. We never moved back and my mother raised us.
Later on when I was 18....19, I would go visit my father.
It wasn't a nice way to be brought up. ( got some tears in my eyes now). No child should
have to live like that......like I did. I'm sure that effected my life mentally somehow. There was no love
in our house. No kisses good night...no hugging... and maybe
that's why I have a hard time loving someone now.
Soooooooo, I'm glad your children are staying away from your x and keeping
your grandchildren away too. You support your children...
They deserve not to go through this... love and hug them...forget your x
.....he's not going to change....sorry to say..
Good luck and take care.Time man.
PS. Btw- I stopped drinking alcohol in 1976. because I saw weri was going.
MY SON WAS RAISED WITH A GOOD FATHER THAT SHOWED LOTS OG LOVE.TO THIS DAY
WE HUG AND ALWAYS SAY : LOVE YOU.