Honey, hugs. I understand what you are saying. Look after yourself, they are not worth it.

More hugs from me, too. I remember feeling like that though I haven't had to listen to a phone conversation with all the voices. I don't have the answers. I think my ex had moved on long before I decided I'd had enough and left him. The difference was that he already had an ow (which I didn't know at the time) and I was getting out of a bad situation with no one in the wings and no plans. It was hard, and I see where you're coming from.

One thing that helps is if you do something for someone else. My new neighbours were elderly, so I helped them do a few things, or just talked to them over the fence, and gave them Christmas presents.

When I used to miss my ex and all the people I lost, I would list the things he did that were hurtful. I would do a gratitude prayer for everything I have, starting with I'm alive, my house, my car, food in the fridge, and I'd list everything I could think of. By the time I finished that, I'd feel a whole lot better. And it always helped to walk outside barefoot!!

It's ok to still feel hurt and sad. And it's ok to have a cry if you want. It's better if you face your feelings and let them be. You'll heal more quickly that way.

big hugs and lots of love
kamary

I miss mine too so I get where you are coming from. I'm pretty sure they miss us too....but what can they do about it? I know his parents didn't want things to be as they are and struggled for a long time with it. Like Kamary, I don't have all the answers. ((((HUGS))))

It will get easier with time. This is the first Thanksgiving that I've not been sad. Feels great.

You will get there one day.

Sending healing hugs!

I know how you feel LisaMariB-This was my first Thanksgiving without my ex. We always spent it at his parents' house with his family and now that he's with the "other woman" I am sure they all spent the day together yesterday and went on as if I was never part of their lives. I was part of their family for 27 years and I don't hear from any of them but then the reverse is also true.

I got to start the new tradition of spending Thanksgiving with my sister and my parents and we went on as if ex was never part of our lives either so I suppose it cuts both ways. Change is definitely hard. I know I will move on to something better though and so will you.

Sending hugs

http://lemaym1.wordpress.com/

Later in the evening when I finally sat down I checked my phone and there was a text from my X saying happy thanksgiving and tell my family that was visiting he said hi and best wishes. I was going to be cordial and answer back but I exclaimed to my sister wow guess who text me and as I was started to text back my sister said you'd better not be answer wrong that ass! I'm glad she did. I didn't text him back but instead text my son to tell everyone my regards and love. I think X was just saving face with his family by texting me.

I don't want to have anything to do with him anymore. His being nice doesn't change that he's enjoying a new life with another woman and completely trampled me and our life together. That's the reality. And along with it comes the Xinlaws and alienation. Can't have it both ways. I'm cordial I'm nice I'm the person only a fool would leave. Like I read that if he ever apologized would it make any difference? No. Because he's not even remotely sorry for what he's done. He's happy now. Living a great life and moved on seamlessly into OW arms where she is now the norm. My kids who are adults 22/23 have accepted this behavior. I have not.

I guess I'm just venting. Need to continue my journey to move on and create my own amazing life. And I have! It's just these damn holidays that trip me up. The dream that was destroyed the vows that were broken he has no consequences for what he's done. I'm fortunate to have my kids here with me and although kids are good with their dad he is not in their lives. So while he's celebrating with our son he may be reminded of what we had. He doesn't have a clue to what is in front of him.

He will be visiting with his girlfriend next weekend with kids. A whopping 3 day weekend for his Christmas celebration with them. They will all be renting a condo. Luckily I don't have to see him. Then he leaves to go to her place (they live 700 miles apart) for a WEEK! He manages to see her every other weekend and apparently weeks too! He probably won't sed kids again for another 10 months a real holiday dad! I call him the 10-10-10! They talk or text 10 minutes every 10 days and see each other every 10 months. I know they're adults now but my daughter is disabled and would have expected more from him.

I wonder sometimes how his life could be so rosy with his OW. Seriously. Why do things seem so f-ed up?

You are not a zero. You are not insignificant. They do not define you. Gosh, I understand your sadness, but think about the fact that your ex's attitude and his family's attitude do not in any way make you less of a person. I am sure they missed your presence, how could they not? You were there for so many years, but even if they didn't miss you, it does not diminish your importance as a person. and I am sure your kids are just making the best of a messed up situation. So sorry.

I understand your frustration. My stbx was the one who cheated and has his family had ANYTHING to do with me? Hell no. My stbx is an alcoholic and they are enablers - they don't see him having a 'problem.' And they too probably think it is somehow MY fault HE cheated - just like he does. I don't really care too much for his family anyway and neither do my kids, which I think is great. Just an example of what a horrible person my m-i-l is.... one day when my daughter was at her house, my m-i-l decided to show my daughter pictures of my stbx and old girlfriends. Huh. My daughter was a little taken back by that and felt it was inappropriate. Obvioulsy it bothered her, otherwise she wouldn't have told me. Ya - and that is only a taste of what that family (expecially stbx's mother) has done. There are really only two people I like in my stbx's family - his dad and his grandma. Grandma will be gone soon and his dad just keeps to himself. Otherwise, I won't miss that family one bit!

Somehow, we convince ourselves we are insignificant when exes choose the option to lose you to another person. You have forgotten the ex's foolish decision making process is often motivated in opposition to many things. My point is, it is independent of you, no matter how near perfect you truly are, it is their defense mechanisms in play. We often re-learn to be astute to our reality of true worth no matter what incongruent actions the ex display.

LisaMari, my sentiments exactly. Most everything you wrote applies here as well. My divorce was long enough ago that I'm not emotionally upset or pining for my ex but it just pisses me off how life gets changed in so many ways when a divorce happens. My kids and grandkids spent yesterday with my ex and her side of the family, they also did Christmas yesterday. I got along extremely well with my FIL and MIL but yet these holidays create a situation where I'm just considered an outcast or something.

The dominant question going through my mind today is, "Why was it any better?" How could my absence create a better holiday for the kids, grandkids, and even the in-laws? It's just all so dang stupid. A person spends three decades doing something and now it's done differently and it just doesn't seem like any of them miss a beat. Well I miss a beat but it doesn't change any of their worlds. The amount of unjust situations that arise after a divorce are just myriad and it seems to follow the one who DIDN'T want the divorce! The irony is just mindboggling. WTH?

(((Hugs))) You'll be ok.

This was the first Thanksgiveing I have spent with my daughter in 23 years. It was forbidden in the past.
I enjoyed myself. She is the only living relative I have that is close by. What a jerk I was.

Lisamarie, honey, you wrote: " Erased and replaced." Yet toward the end of your post, you said " I guess if I had someone to replace my X it would be different." That's what KRKing911 would call "stinkin' thinkin'" and I have to agree.

While you may feel as if you have been erased, you have NOT been replaced! The "erasure" of you from your X's life is pretty normal under these circumstances. They are being eaten alive by GUILT and the only way they know how to deal with it is to pretend the marriage never happened and justify in their own twisted minds that the breakup was anyone's fault but their own. It just ain't so, my dear.

As to being "replaced" I want to remind you that NONE OF US CAN EVER BE REPLACED! Cheap imitations can be found, maybe, but we are all distinct individuals and while we may be imitated, we can NEVER BE DUPLICATED!

Here's a funny little sidebar for you -- I learned last summer that my X remarried a year earlier. I have lots of eyes and ears still up there in Maryland and I had FOUR people tell me that this new wife reminds them of me in many ways. Her personality is like mine: friendly, outgoing and full of enthusiasm. One person in particular commented that the new wife does all the talking because the X has the personality of a stone! I couldn't help but chuckle when I got that bit of information. Plus, he's the guy who always said he didn't WANT TO BE MARRIED IN THE FIRST PLACE and here he is, not 7 years post-final divorce getting married to a woman he only knew for a few months! (She is NOT the woman he left me for.)

I am truly sorry that you are still missing his family. I don't miss spending holidays with my X's dysfunctional bunch and never did. I realized early on that no matter what I did or said, I had always been "that woman he married" because we didn't get married in the Catholic church and I refused to convert to Catholicism. At the time, he called himself a "Recovering Catholic" and never set foot in a church from 1976 until 1994 after his mother killed herself. Oh well. Live and learn and laugh about it -- that's what I'm doing now and that's what I hope you will be able to do in the not too distant future.

It takes time and effort to move beyond the awfulness of divorce. And as our old member Ms.Terey used to say "Happiness Is A Personal Effort" or something like that. You will have to get out there and make new friends, cultivate new interests and definitely move out of your comfort zone for awhile, but it IS POSSIBLE! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers with all of that in mind! xoxo

I'm sorry but you aren't insignificant......

I know just what your feeling like I had a big boo hoo the other night as I was hoping my son would spend the holiday with me instead he went to the in laws........and they don't even like cooking........I have lost my whole family not just my husband. The in laws said they miss me but. I grew up on the west coast and moved here at 17 where he grew up.....they have been my family for 32 years.....It's all so wrong.

Unbelievably unfair

I am 51/2 years post divorce...this was the 2nd one with the same ex...and I have felt all these same emotions. Maybe its part of the process...I'm not sure. I do know...overcoming these emotions took a lot longer than I would have liked. I am now at a place of no pain and personal comfort...I am ok with the obstacles life presented...yes...I'm even ok with the divorce. My family has found its place within the changes and we are stronger than we have ever been. Over the last few months I have even re-established my relationship with my ex MIL and it is wonderful. I can be in the same room as my ex and not feel anything other than a simple care of another human being.

Please..dont be fooled by the illusions that our ex's present...that happy carefree illusion is just that...an illusion. They too have their obstacles to overcome...some of them are a lot larger than we can see. I have learned first hand that this is very true. I sit back and watch what my ex is going through and thank god its not me on the other end of it. I actually have empathy for his plight. Talk about walking down that same old road falling into those same pot holes.

For what ever the reason...they left and there is nothing we can do about it. People do fall out of love. Perhaps they could have handled it better...regardless, you will never know the true reason and even if you did...it would still take you to where you are today. I am a firm believer in...we are where we are meant to be...doing what we are meant to be doing. That does not mean its easy...it simply means we were meant to go in a different direction...a direction many of us would not have taken by our own choosing...for many of us...we should have.

As hard as it is...you are where you are and you have the choice on how you want to deal with it. We have a tendency to make things harder on ourselves. For me...5 years down the road looking back...my need to work through all the whys and how could he's kept me from healing faster. Letting go and handing it over to your higher power is a hard but necessary thing to do..but...it helps the healing go a lot quicker and moving on becomes easier. The bottom line for me was...he left me for his reasons...I cant change that...I could sit here and pine away forever but that will not change what is...so I either pick myself up by my bootstraps and move on...or...I wallow in self pity, anger and resentment...I eventually chose to live my life as best I can and not look back...I have carved out a new life and I am finally happy and that is truly the best revenge you could ever seek...because chances are really good...they are not...Big Hugs...Kathy