I hope my heart heals its Still broken and hurts.
I want him out badly. I do okay then here i go
again riding on the rollercoaster.

Outwardly i am doing good my sense of Humor
is good so is my mood. I am spiritual its my big
saving grace thru all this mess.

I am still not being very social yet, outside
Of my support groups, church and normal
Outtings i have always attended.

I am still going thru a lot emotionaly thats
An ongoing battle. I am getting pretty sick
Of all this i want to feel normal again. HUGS

Moscato - I don't know. I advise anyone considering divorce to really think about it. It is the worst thing I've ever gone through. Maybe it's like a death - something you never really "get over" - it just becomes a permanent scar on your heart. I'm just like you and Miranda - still have a sense of humor, have friends, have activities, good job, nice kids, but it will just never, ever be the same as when I had a permanent partner. I am probably supposed to lift you up right now, but I'm just being honest as to my own feelings at the moment.

I am feeling the exact same way. It'll be 6 years next year and like you I have no contact. To most I have a great life on my own. I do have to care for our 25 years old daughter so X is always a ghost in our life. We don't mention him or talk about him. She has some communication with him, but for the most part he is not involved in our life. But, I'm feeling the same way. I'm just broken... my heart is just broken. I know exactly how you feel.

I've been divorced almost ten years now but still had some contact with the ex because of this farm and his contempt hearings for non support. I used to miss the ex but it's been three years since the final court hearing and I'm so busy I rarely think about him. I'm at the point where I don't wish him any ill will and I am grateful for the things he brought into my life.

I live in a very self centered town that is full of people trying to make a name for themselves in the horse world. I stay away from people like that as much as possible. I do end up boarding their horses. When I married the ex I made the statement that there wouldn't be a third marriage for me. I'm finding that I still feel that way. I have such a full life on this farm that I don't want to mess up what I do have with a man in my life. I know this isn't very helpful to you but it's the way I feel and have felt for some time. Give it more time and things may change how you feel. When you least expect it that someone may come into your life. I do hope some wonderful kind thoughtful sober man does come into your life.

Thank you all for your kind responses. I appreciate your feedback. I think one of the reasons I feel so sad now is because my ex is getting remarried in a few week to the woman for whom he left our 26 year marriage. What stings the most is that this woman and my ex were engaged in college. She broke it off. Now my ex get his second chance at happiness with her. It is really hard for me to find peace with this. It just seems to devalue all that we had for those years. Like I was the substitute til she came back. It's such a unique pain. It's not like my ex had a casual affair. This woman is someone he loves now and loved thritysome years ago. I will keep moving forward as I have for the past few years. I can only hope that time DOES really heal all wounds.

Sending you a big hug

That is a unique and especially hurtful situation. Let's reframe it though - could he have loved more than one person? He was with you for 26 years - I hope some of those were good years - I imagine they were or you wouldn't mourn their loss so deeply. I'd like to think he loved you dearly throughout your marriage and I am sorry that it didn't last - that's the pain we all deal with. But I doubt he pined for her the entire time - I surely can't imagine that. But no matter what, I am sending you my good thoughts and hugs. It's not easy...

Hugs my friend. Please be gentle with yourself. As for him remarrying, let him be. I do not know if I could ever really trust someone that cheated on their spouses. The pain I feel now at times is more anger than anything else. Anger because we had everything and he threw it away. Now he is living by himself, in a rental apartment. His mother threw him out. Do not think that they will be blissfully happy. If they can do it with you, they can do it to you. Hugs again.

It takes a while..some longer than others...it took me almost 5 years...but yes...the hurting does stop. When you find yourself in the place of indifference you know you have arrived. However...for me...indifference also brings friendship at arms length. I will never allow him into my world on a personal level. He is not my friend but we are friendly.

Try to keep things in perspective. These emotions you are feeling are yours no one elses. You have control over your emotions. You keep them alive. He has no responsibility with what you feel. Yes his actions caused these emotions but its you that hangs on to them.

When these emotions surface its you telling you that you have more work to do. That there is an area within yourself that needs attention...strengthening. You can choose to see this as a gift to yourself. Its really hard to see things this way but I truly believe it is the way to total healing. Its the only way to heal your heart to the point where you can open up to another potential love.

When you read this you may feel anger...I did when I was told this same thing by others who have been healing longer than me...but at the end of the day...it was true...Big Hugs...Kathy

I share your continues sadness. I am five years from divorce, and for the most part I am ok. But I have times that I still feel profound sadness.

For me its a sadness over what I've lost. I wanted to be married, kids and vacations. I wanted a partner for life like my parents have.

I have chosen not to date as I still have young kids. The statistics for blended families and second marriages are so horrible. I can't do that to my kids. I have watched so many relationships implode when they try to blend.

I know good stories are out there, but I just can't bring myself to expose my kids at this point.

Part of my sadness is that I'm a single mom, I am on duty 24/7 365 days a year. Some days I cry because I just need someone to bring me a loaf of bread, or just get upset because I have to fold the laundry.

I want love again, but I know I am scared too. I had my heart broken and ripped to shreds.

Maybe I will never feel that kind of love again.

However as I said, I am happy probably 98% of the time. Its only when I'm tired, over worked, and under appreciated that I begin to feel sad.

ahhhh the damned "undercurrent of sadness". Yes, Moscato I feel it too. I recently posted that I saw a pic of the ex for the first time and felt nothing. And it's true. I don't miss HIM but somehow, I am still mourning the marriage, the safety net...... the life? I don't know.

I wasn't crazy happy, he drank more than I liked (I was always on the fence about whether it was alcoholism but am pretty certain he was). He wasn't overly considerate or overly attentive and loving. But...he loved me. I feel sure that he did. And we laughed. Lots. We shared the same sense of humour, grew into it for heavens sake, we grew up together. That feeling of safety and security that this other person is looking out for you, will care for you if when you are sick, get old....all that stuff that was in the vows! We raised our sons together. He wasn't the best dad but...he wasn't terrible. He tried.

It's hard to get over that loss. Yes, it's a death you keep mourning in many ways. And when he leaves for someone else, lives with or marries her, supposedly is happy (my kids tell me my ex is) it makes it even worse...the sense of loss I mean. HE found happiness! IT ISN'T FAIR - that sort of thing lol! And I could never ever imagine saying that almost five years down the road. I guess it's normal. But is sure isn't nice!

I've moved on too. Found love again, struggled with that love, what it means, how much of myself can I give, how much do I have to 'take', will I stay in it, get out, how will I make ends meet, help my kids, how many more moves do I have in me? How long will I have to work, will I be alone, will I be happy if I AM alone, ......all those unknowns. Somehow, these parts of life,they seemed less scary when facing them as part of a team.

Now, it's just team me. It can be lonely.

Just a thought I'm throwing on here after reading the latest response.

do you think this, as Iammine2 so eloquently put, undercurrent of sadness is because we feel a sense of failure? I know most everyone here that posted for a long time so don't read into this what I'm not saying. I'm not saying we all feel like the breakup of our marriage is all on us at all. It's just there is a lingering feeling of regret there. I have remarried, and I am so grateful for the wonderful husband I have been blessed with. But I find myself being careful not to make the same mistakes I did in my first marriage...however, I find myself wondering what were those mistakes...and were they really mistakes that made a difference.

I guess I keep being led back to the saying, "It takes two."

Yep, grief.... the gift that keeps on giving.
I've only been divorced a little over 3 years now, pretty early on I guess, and I'm still sad. Everything is a little depressing: my condo doesn't feel like "home." My finances are stretched as tight as can be, and I had to sign up to pay more for health care starting in January. Doubtful I'll see a raise that matches that! I'll be working until I die, retirement doesn't look like a viable option. Looks less likely, every day, that I will meet anyone that gives a rat's butt about me. I'm lonely, and will probably be lonely until I die. If I live as long as my shorter lived relatives, I'm facing 20 more years of this.... If I live as long as most of my relatives, I'm in for almost 40. Ack! Now I'm even more depressed!

I try to be kind, caring, fun and supportive to family, friends, fellow volunteers and co-workers. I try to be with Mother Nature every week, to allow God to do the work that needs to be done inside me every day, to use me to help other's lives better as often as I can. But, I miss being Mom every day, I miss being a wife to someone I love, that I thought loved me. Those were the best roles of my life, the most fulfilling, the most life giving roles. A 28 year old son has his own life and doesn't need Mom anymore, my life as a wife died with the marriage.

There's much to grieve, many unrealized dreams. I guess all we can do is the hard work of mourning, and try to keep an eye out for opportunities to bring more life and love into the world, try to hope in the face of hopefulness, learn to accept what is, let go of what was, and practice gratitude in all things.

First step today: Thank you all for being here. Your support and sharing are life affirming.

Wow I really appreciate everyone's thoughtful responses.
Dairytech - you're right...I know I still have some work to do. But I think it's more a matter of time than anything else. I had two different counselors over a period of 5 years. Both were great and a big help, but I reached the point where I thought I had gone as far as I was going to go with counseling.
Iammine2 - I relate to much of what you said. I'm starting to get to the point (I think) that I don't think it's him that I miss, but still mourning the loss of the present and future life that I thought we'd always have together. I saw a recent picture of him and he looks OLD Lol! It kind of surprises me to hear that you still feel this undercurrent of sadness even though you have found love again. I'm not dating and have mixed feelings about another relationship and potential marriage, but I always have hoped that if/when I did fall in love again, the hurt and sadness would be gone. It makes me sad to think that these emotions may always stay with me.
Misred - you have a good point. Even though my husband's affair and departure from our marriage is the reason we are divorced, I guess deep down I do feel a sense of failure. My marriage and family meant everything to me, and the fact that it ended and we are no longer an intact family leaves me with regret. Like you, I wonder about the mistakes I made in the marriage and did they really play a significant role leading to the divorce. I guess I'll never know for sure, but I think what my husband did had more to do with him and his internal struggles than with me.
MNMama - you have such a positive attitude about life! You sem like such as peace-filled person. Like you, I miss the role of wife and mother (my kids are grown now, though fortunately we still have a close relationship).

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I don't feel so lonely with these feelings.

PS - my ex got re-married a few weeks ago. The day wasn't nearly as hard as I anticipated it to be. I kept busy, planned an outing with friends, and just didn't let myself dwell on it. As weird as this may sound, it's almost like I feel some sense of release now. Who knows...maybe I'm closer to being over him than I think :)

I would say the fact the remarriage didn't send you to the dark abyss means something and agree, you're probably doing much better than you think. (((HUGS)))