Honey, it has only been a month. What you are going through, is very normal. I cried so much for the first 2 years, I honestly thought that my eyes were going to be permanently swollen. Be gentle with yourself, it is going to be a very rough emotional roller coaster ride. Line up a divorce lawyer, specializing in long term marriages, a financial advisor, to figure out what you will need in terms of financial help and a therapist to guide you through this hell. Go no contact as much as possible. Please, be gentle with yourself. Even if he did see the light of day and came back, could you ever trust him again. Imagine living their lives. One built on lies and cheating. They will never have complete trust, respect or honour. The uneasiness they feel when they walk into a room. Knowing what they did and continue to do.

I am so sorry, this has to hurt, I could not imagine. I know it won't help you but you really need to stop contacting him. 40 years together is a very long time and I know it can't be easy but you really need to try and stop communicating with him, it will hurt but it will hurt less a little bit every day. He may even start to think that you have moved on without him and he may start contacting you instead. Just take a lot of you time and try your best to keep busy and stop contacting him. I don't know of any other way that will help in the long run. Just my 2 cents.

Yes, you must stop contacting him. NOW. Just stop. It's that easy and....that hard! It's super hard to go through this. Here, on this site, we know!!! But we did it and you're going to do it too. You WILL survive this and there IS life after him.

You are a person in your own right. You are a WHOLE person. You are not half of something. You don't need him to complete you. Your brain knows this but it will take time for your emotional and spiritual self to process this and accept it.

These are the hardest days. It's one day at a time. But you must let him go. He's let you go. Tough to hear but true. He's let you go. Now you must do the same. Your neediness does not make him care for you more - if anything it builds a case for him to strengthen why he's moved on. I say this with compassion, I really do! NOBODY told me that, harsh as it is, at the beginning. But it's true hon. He's moved on.

You need to take the steps to move forward too. Baby steps. Just make it through each day. Breath. Walk. Cry. Go to therapy and talk and listen. Do the work. Time. It takes time. Give yourself a break. you're torturing yourself when you reach out to him. He's not there for you. But others are. Start leaning on THEM!

Hang in there doll. You're going to make it!

Considering all that has happened, this is VERY NORMAL. Do not beat yourself up about it. I think this is behind your attempts to get him to go to the grand kids ball games????So you can interact with him? I totally agree with the others. You need a therapist, a lawyer and to stop contacting him. When you go no contact, it helps break the addiction we have for attention from them and the rose colored glasses come off. Then you can begin to see the relationship for what it was.

Don't give up. I promise you will not always feel this way. There are many here who started out like you and are doing well. Please get busy doing what we suggested. Divorce is NOT a death sentence.

Here is a great article explaining no contact:

Why Initiate a"No Contact" Rule When Leaving a Narcissistic Relationship

No contact is initiated as a way of breaking the psychic emotional bonds between you and a narcissistic partner, friend or family member. If you have been involved with a narcissistic person for any length of time you will undoubtedly have a strong attachment to that person. This attachment needs to be weakened which will happen much more quickly once you engage the rules of “no contact.”

I am referring to the rules of “no contact” as RULES but these are only enforced by you. These are your rules! If you break these rules you are the one who pays the consequences. And…there are most definitely consequences that come in the form of emotional pain and re-attachment.

No contact gives you the space and time to get your energy back into your life. It can be challenging at first as you may have to resist the urge to answer the phone, return an Email or make that call. You must get into the habit of policing yourself for your own good. Imagine that you have two different aspects of yourself; a parent self and a child self. The parent self will have to police the child self to be sure she doesn’t do anything that will hurt her. You know intellectually that breaking the rules of “no contact” will hurt that child, so you stop her from doing so, even though she is throwing a tantrum.

Making a decision to cut off contact with a narcissistic personality when leaving the relationship is an important part of your recovery process. The decision to initiate “NO Contact” is a decision for your health and sanity.

When you remain in contact you continue to engage in the relationship on some level and are still affected by its craziness and dysfunction. You will normally continue to be affected by the hot and cold behavior of the narcissist, be pulled in and pushed away, confused and hurt. You will continue to be drained energetically which results in depression and lethargy.

The best remedy for getting yourself back is to stop giving your energy to the relationship in any way, shape or matter. You can only dry off when you take your feet out of the water. Cut off his access to you and your energy!

Of course there are cases where ‘no contact” is not possible due to the involvement of children or when the narcissistic personality is a direct family member. However even in these cases contact can be greatly limited and sometimes all contact can be through a third party mediator.

Here are the rules of No Contact:

1) Once you have made the decision to end the relationship get your business taken care of immediately, if possible. If you are married and going through a divorce you will need to initiate the divorce right away or make the decision to put it on hold for six months to a year while you take care of yourself and your family. During that time you can initiate “no contact” and then initiate the divorce paperwork, through an attorney when you are stronger. Let the narcissist in your life know that you are ending the relationship and won’t be in communication with him for a while. Ask him to please refrain from calling, text messaging, Emailing, instant chat or stopping by your home or workplace.

2) Taking care of business involves getting your possessions, giving him his possessions. Getting separate living quarters, separating bills and anything that would give you a reason to contact him or for him to contact you. If necessary use a third party mediator.

3) Clean out your home and get rid of any memorabilia having to do with your ex-narcissistic partner. If you are having issues throwing something away or burning it, put it in a big box, tape it up and store it somewhere where you won’t see it. If you are comfortable burning sage or incense this can help clear the energy of your home. Also burning candles is a good way to shift the energy.

4) Make no arrangements for personal meetings. If he stops by, don’t answer the door. If you see him in public, put your sunglasses on, avoid eye contact and move past him as quickly as possible.

5) Make or accept no phone calls. If he calls, don’t answer the phone. If he calls from an unidentified number and you hear his voice on the other end, hang up without saying a word. He’ll get the message. If he leaves a voice mail message try and erase it without listening if you can. If he is persistent, consider having your phone number changed. This is your sanity we are talking about. It is priceless.

6) Make or accept no text messages, emails, or instant chat. It is best to block his emails and even consider having your own email address changed so he won’t have your information. This prevents him emailing you from an unknown address.

7) If you are on any mutual community Websites, you will want to stop visiting those sites. Do not access his Web pages, profiles, or anything that will give you current info on him. What he is doing is none of your business. What you are doing is none of his.

8) If you have friends in common, you will want to let them know that you are avoiding any and all contact with him at this time so you can focus on your healing and you request that they NOT share any information about him with you nor any information about you with him. If you find mutual friends do not support your request you will want to avoid contact with them for a time. Do not allow anyone to tell you that what you are doing is crazy, silly, stupid, childish or invalidate your decision in any way. This is a time to surround yourself with people who support you and let go of people who don’t.

9) If you work with him, in the same office building, same company, etc.. Same rules apply. If you are forced to do business with him, keep all communication strictly business and don’t allow him to engage you in any other way. Remember: He no longer has access to you or your energy.

10) If you have children with him you are best to engage a mediator for all contact. Narcissistic people will often use the children as a way to get to you. You may consider asking a family member or good friend to act as the mediator for young children. If your kids are old enough to handle their own business, let them work out the details of any visits directly with the other parent and communicate with you to be sure you approve. Be careful not to use your children to punish the narcissistic parent. The kids will be the ones being affected. In some cases when the narcissistic parent realizes he has no control over you and using the kids doesn’t work, he may bow out altogether and you may rarely hear from him. So it is important that you don’t allow him access to you, even if you have kids. Keep it strictly business.

How Long Must No Contact Last?

No contact should remain in affect until you feel the bond has been completely severed. This can take several years so be prepared to continue “no contact” for a long time. Most will find once that bond is severed there is no need or desire to see that person, but the rules can soften a bit at this point so if you run into him on the street you may say “hello” and be kind, but not engage in any “real” conversation. If you have kids together you may be able to communicate directly at some point in the future, although there is absolutely no guarantee this will work well.

Once you have moved on, down the road, you will want to be careful not to make the mistake of believing maybe he/she has changed. The likelihood of any real change is very small. Always assume he is the same person as he always was. Even if he had changed, your trust in him has already been severely damaged and you would never likely be fully trusting again. This is no way to have a relationship. You deserve to have someone you can trust completely in your life.

Link to article: http://www.narcissismfree.com/narcissist-no-contact-rules.php

I cried for two years......still have a tear here and there.
Its not easy going through what you are.....
My heart reaches out to you.
One thing everyone knows around here is that.....you will be better.
So God bless you.....
Keep writing here on D&S....it helps.
Also see a good therapist and a lawyer.
Take care..Timeman

You've been given some great advice but you will need a therapist to help you. I was fortunate that the ex worked overseas and then several states away from me. I have been totally no contact for the last two years. I would suggest you change your phone number and don't put his number in your cell phone.

I just read your reply on your other posting. You start no contact by just doing it. Yes that no contact will be broken. Try for one day and then the next. If you contact him or he contacts you just start the no contact again. Gradually the no contact will last longer but you have to work at it.

You're not going to get over 40 years together in a short amount of time, nor should you. But you will get over it. And you will find more and better ways to do it. Co-dependency support groups, therapists, psychologists are all good sources.
No contact will make it easier, and help to keep you focused on what you need to do to take care of you. It shouldn't matter where or whether he's going anywhere. If you want to go out, go out. Screw it if he shows up. You're there for you. Ignore him and carry on.
It's OK to cry, but there's more to grieving than crying. There's hard work to be done, so cry, and then get the help to get going on. Take care. Hugs.

Hugs. I wish I had the answers for you. But I have failed in this area.

Misred pretty much said it all in her reply above. Like you, I was pretty much a hot mess for the first couple of months after the now-X took off, but it was the NO CONTACT, a wonderful therapist and a fantastic attorney that got me through the 18 Months of Hell it took to divorce the lying, cheating coward. I owe them a huge debt of gratitude!

When I decided to REJECT THE REJECTOR by going no contact, for every day I went without responding to phone calls and emails, I put a red star on my wall calendar. That first week seemed incredibly long, but it was amazing how -- in just 7 days -- I felt a little better. I kept up this practice and at the end of a month, the difference was obvious in the way I looked and the way I felt. I was, little by little, taking control of my own destiny instead of being the victim of someone else's whim (and poor judgment).

While I hoped to reach an out-of-court financial settlement, it was evident that all he wanted to do was bully me and try to get me to give up most of what I was legally entitled to. At that point, my attorney sent him a letter saying that any further discussion about the negotiations would have to be made THROUGH HER and I'm sure he didn't like it much, but that's the way it had to be for my own sanity.

So as Misred wrote, this NO CONTACT is something that you must do FOR YOURSELF in order to break the "addiction" you have to this man. Believe me, most of us have been exactly where you are right now and we all lived, not just to tell about it, but to share with others the wisdom of our experience! Your life is far from over! I know that God had something MUCH BETTER in mind for me than the life I was living with the X. There was no physical abuse, but his manipulative ways had just about sucked the life out of me in the 30 years we had spent together. I am a better, stronger and much more peaceful person today because of it and my divorce was final 8 years ago!

You can and will get through this! One day at a time -- sometimes one moment at a time -- baby steps! I will hold you in my thoughts and prayers.
xoxo

You can't just let go overnight, unfortunately, dear hullibee. It'll take many times returning to the pain and having a good cry. As the others have already said, going as 'no contact' as possible is the best thing you can do, to give yourself the space to do the grieving and come to some sort of peace. When you can look at your situation objectively (like you're on the outside looking in), it's hard to see clearly what went wrong in your marriage. When you can do this, you'll see what he was really like, and that will help you to come to grips with things.

Going 'no contact' in a small town like yours may not be easily done. I live in a small town, and I decided to be respectfully polite if I ever bump into him, but not to look for any contact other than things to do with the kids. He wasn't my friend for the last 20 years of our marriage (I see it now) so he is not my friend and never will be.

I also see my ex doing things with the ow that he wouldn't do with me. I hear it from other divorced people too. I think it has to do with what they'll do to make the new relationship work, and doesn't reflect on us at all. In fact, during the last years of our marriage, my ex refused to do anything that would make me happy. It became quite patently obvious, but I didn't realise until I had left the relationship. It's passive-aggressive behaviour which is very effective.

It's hard when you realise that it's really over, and its tough when you can see someone else living the life you should have had. Know that you are worth much more than how he was treating you, and you will be okay. You'll be a lot happier, too.

love and hugs
kamary

Thank you all. Especially misred. I am trying to print your list off so I can read it daily. today I will work on NO CONTACT. It is hard. I am very codependent. I know this but I have not been able to break it at this point. I believe he is codependent on me too. Which makes it very awkward because when he does come over he discusses girl friend with me as though I need to know what is going on with him. Although I don't like it I do listen. It makes me very angry and hurt. I keep saying to him if you don't like her why are you with her???? it doesn't matter.

I am still hesitating the divorce. I don't know why??? I signed the initial papers when he left me in January but now I am waffling between going forward and stopping it. I am such a basket case. Why can't I make a definite decision???? He is gone. It has been 2 full months (8 weeks). Is it too soon to go forward???

From everything you have said about him: his alcoholism, his abuse (as he consults with you about his girlfriend), your kids' disdain for him and everything else; Run as far as you can as fast as you can!! I predict that if you go NC (no contact), you will see him for what he is. You will consider yourself fortunate to be rid of him. I think you have been imprisoned in a relationship that is a nightmare and you don't even see it at this moment. You will see it very soon if you get AWAY from him. Keep Misdred's list in front of you!
Hugs and prayers for you!

Thank you drtexdi. I know I need NC but it is very difficult for me. I am very codependent. I have to validate my feelings through him. Very dysfunctional right now. Trying to stay disconnected every day. That is all I can do is one day at a time. Trying, trying, trying. Very small baby steps. I was with him for so long I lost my own personality. I'm trying to redefine my identity.

Don't be too hard on yourself about being co-dependent. We all are to an extent. We just need to know when to rein ourselves in so it doesn't become unhealthy. Right now I am chomping at the bit to help my son out, who has car trouble. Stepping back and letting him do it is hard. I want to jump in and fix it.

Hang in there...better days are yet to come...of course it depends on you doing the work to get there (((HUGS))))