Kinda there too-been 9 months since he left for OW. I HATE that he is with someone else and I am alone, although I do believe he will never be happy. Just the thought of having fun with someone and having that someone pay attention to ME is what I seem to get stuck on.
I think we are normal??

It's very normal to want to have companionship. I think as long as it's not too soon - before a divorce or long separation - it's fine. My opinion. I know others will say, know thyself and love thyself first, make sure that you are happy 100% with your own life before you think about sharing it etc.

And there is value in that. But there is also value in feeling desire for someone else. The worry, I think, is that one will 'fall' for someone and then if it doesn't work out, the fall out can be horrid. I get this too.

I say, proceed with caution, only date with the precept that you are not seeking a long-term relationship but just some friendly dating for companionship. But know thyself first! If you are someone who is emotionally needy (guilty!) and you are worried that you will fall for the first guy who comes along, you need to take some more time.

Otherwise, go for it. You have to put yourself out there eventually. Learning about dating again is another step on the journey as I see it.

Good luck!

p.s to my last post.

Am I a veteran or a newbie? Someone weigh in on this! I think I am still a newbie, only been on the site since last November so not even a year...but it feels like a lifetime. Just like a comfy old sweater or an old and trusted friend!

Not yet divorced or settled with the stbx, so I guess this counts towards newbie status. A personal shout-out to all the vets for being there for us 'newbies' (if that's what I am!)

I was separated several years before the divorce and Ive been divorced for 7 weeks now, woohoo!
One of the first things I did when i got back home was sign up on a dating site. I haven't found love but Ive had some fun, out to dinner a few times and hanging out. It is nice to be with someone of the opposite sex even just to get out now and then. I think you are ready when you feel ready, it is probably different for everyone .
So far as my ex goes, what I do has zero to do with what he is doing, i have my life he has his.
Id like to feel loved again but i am just going to have fun while i am not in a committed relationship, i have friends and family that love me and that is enough for now :)

hugs

Sure, my ex has moved on quite nicely, many times before [and during] the divorce. I for one, don't hold quantity or their quickness with hook ups as a measure of SUCCESS. Wisdom tells me a different story, such a person who quickly seeks anything and anybody, has a set of illusions like an addict procuring their drug. The outcome usually ends up sitting alone when the money runs out.

For myself, I hold onto a better standard that is goaled for SUCCESS and QUALITY. But in order to recognize it when faced, you need to be whole [unwounded] person. Thinking that you're too old can be replaced with inner beauty and inner love. Essentially you forgot your identity and it does not come from your parents, not your ex or spouse, not your children, and not from your boyfriend. It comes only from one place. That place dismisses false beliefs that you are dependent on relationships to make you feel happy and feel love. Whole people are happy people who already feel self loved.

Go out with groups, no need to be serious, have fun, be casual , and form groups of interests. Make friends first. Repeat....friends!

Healing, I had a little struggle with this last week. I'd been sick for a fortnight with one thing and another, and therefore spent a lot of time alone. I also miss my mother who died in May. For the first time in my life, I couldn't talk to her when I felt lousy.

I think I get lonely and wish for a close girlfriend or a male partner, when I spend too much time alone. I've had close girlfriends in the past - the kind that call every day and want to go shopping or just hang. My last close girlfriend died in January 2009. I haven't had a close partner for a very long time.

My answer to feeling lonely and in need of a good hug and love and caring is to get out and see a few people. Do something for someone else. And I'm fortunate in that I have three small grandsons handy who all love a cuddle and sitting on Nanny's lap while we read a story.

I know you didn't choose to leave your marriage but when I get lonely, I can tell myself it was my choice to leave, and I remind myself of how lonely I was in my marriage. The mind is a funny thing. The further from the hurt and pain of the separation and divorce I get, the less I remember all that hurt and pain. So I have to give myself a little reminder that I made the decision to go because I was lonely in my marriage. Being lonely our of it is different, and much more healthy. It's natural to feel a little disconnected sometimes, and to wish for a friend/partner to touch me and want to laugh with me.

In fact, I've booked myself a holiday at the beach next week. First, I'm going to visit an old lady I've been friends with for 20 years. Then I'm going to the beach where I can see other old friends. Some of my family are going to come and stay with me a few days, and we're going to feed the dolphins.

I agree with Tobywinn, get out with your friends, have some fun, make someone else laugh, visit a friend, take up a hobby, or even maybe head off for a break.

The most important thing to do when you're feeling lonely is to love yourself. If there's no one else handy, do some nice things for yourself and tell yourself nice things. Think about how you can be the best you there is. Fill the lonely times with learning new things or exercising or treat yourself to a nice massage. When you're missing touch, massage can fill that need with no strings attached.

love and hugs
kamary

Thanks for all of the great suggestions and insights. I really don't think I'm emotionally ready for a relationship, but there is that part of me that desires to be truly cherished by an emotionally healthy man. This is something I didn't have in my 25 year marriage with my narcissistic x. I know that true love comes from God and within, and I know that no man will ever be able to "complete" me if I am not whole and healthy in myself.. I think I just want a nice hug or a slowdance. ( I think I'll book that massage tomorrow :-)!

HealingT:
Yeah, slowdance, sounds good. I suppose the next best thing is to sign up for some dance classes. I had taken a few salsa classes last winter to get that dance connection. Since there's always more gals, the guys was shared by 2 women at least. If the guy was a good dancer, his line filled quick and often the guy with 2 left feet was left open. And there were more of them especially in the beginner's. To come find out, the smart gals waited for the intermediate classes. [Just to give you a heads up .]

Great Advice Iammine, Tobywinn and Kamary. Good remiinders for me too. I like to get together with friends where I can be my fun, light hearted self.

You are worth healthy, loving, reciprocal relationships. It gets better and better with time.

Massages are great.

I have to agree with everyone here. I often think of what I have missed in a loving relationship. Waiting for my annulment to be final before I agree to any dates- not sure if I will get asked. That is part of the problem - being undervalued for so long I still have to work on valuing myself - just as I am.
Hugs
Cheryl

I'm still learning to love myself - but I do get lonely. It's a process and some move along faster than others. I'm on the fence and since I have only been with one partner and was quite young (17) when I started with him, I am not ready to date yet. I've spent 30 years giving and giving to a man who never appreciated anything.

Now it's time for me! Sure I'd like companionship and feel lonely sometimes, but I think that's all part of it too. My divorce was final in May of this year. I don't need to move on so quick. I'm still learning about me. Crazy huh? You'd think I'd know me by now LOL...

KRK, I think we were so busy trying to be whatever we thought our ex's wanted us to be, that we lost our authentic selves in the process. We made the mistake of thinking that if we could only become those perfect people for our ex's, we would then be loved. Unfortunately, that's not how it works.

Now we're free to figure out what we like, what we think, and how to live and love without giving ourselves away again. This process will help us to love ourselves and others unconditionally. Yay:)

love and hugs
kamary

Thanks Kamary - I believe that too. Here's to finding our AUTHENTIC SELVES! I can't wait till I love myself again. xxoo

This response is from the first ever "summit" of the "DS Gals at Deep Creek" -- Hurtinandhealing, drtexdi, Pam1951, jaycpea and myself:

"Until you learn to LOVE YOURSELF all by yourself, you can't expect anyone to love you in the way in which you deserve!"

Since I'm the first one up this morning, I'm going to add to that consensus by saying UNTIL you move away from the feeling of "competition" (that being, even THINKING about your X having already connected with someone else) you are NOT READY for another relationship. Until your emotions have moved into neutral about THAT, searching for another relationship will not be from the purity of your own heart and you are dragging unnecessary baggage into the new relationship.

Getting "right" with yourself takes time -- and as I always say around here "Time, Distance and NO CONTACT" are the three keys to divorce recovery. In the meantime, there is nothing wrong with checking to see what's out there in terms of male companionship, BUT it is best to go out there with nothing more than the attitude of making new friends of the opposite sex. Take it SLOW...and be CHOOSY!

Last evening sitting around the campfire, the five of us agreed that post-divorce, our standards are MUCH HIGHER than they ever were before or during our marriages. We have learned to pull off the rose-colored glasses and to compromise LESS. The majority of us have also fine-tuned our "Bullshit Detectors" when it comes to men in general and particularly when it comes to personal interactions and relationships.

Excavating your Authentic Self is a process and it takes time and effort. What's your hurry? When you reach the point of knowing that you DON'T NEED A MAN to have a rich and fulfilling life, then you are truly ready for a new relationship -- but you still can't MAKE that happen. Give yourself time for this process to run its course. There is no hard and set timeline, but a lot of resources say it takes 1 year for every 5 years of a marriage to FULLY MOVE BEYOND divorce. That's not to say that you shouldn't date or even embark on a new relationship -- it's just the fact that you will still have some "stuff" to work through for a fairly long period of time.

Hope this helps! A collective hug to you from the "DS Divas at Deep Creek Lake" in beautiful western Maryland!

Kathi - I'm so jealous.. wish I was there with you - Next Year, I hope.