Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
I just had an emotional breakdown and I need some support. The family dog of 14 years is with my sister since we lost our house and my X travels and couldn't take him and I moved away to Florida from Ohio and unable to have a dog where I live. Well he's getting older and I called to let him know of his aging and what we should do since my sister is now moving from Ohio to Alabama. He called me back and was very yes no thanks for calling we'll have to see what happens the next couple of weeks. Then I asked what he was doing this weekend to see if he could be with the dog and he told me he was out of town and I asked where thinking it was near...he said Minnasota where the OW lives. Hes going for business and meetings but is staying with her. Argh>>> I already was emotional about the dog and I just lost it then. I said to him I can't believe you did this to me and are with another woman. I didn't leave for her, you know why I left. I said no all I see is that you knew her you work with her and its obvisous why you left. He kept saying very coldly you know why I left, You know why I left. Of course I'm crying and he kept saying I'm at work I have to go. I'm hanging up. I just had a major melt down on the phone and hung up on him and cried uncontrollably. He's visiting next weekend bringing my son down with him. I just don't know how to handle it. I told my kids I will not be seeing him its too hard and I don't think I can handle it. They agree. But I thought I could. That I could just be oh hi how you doing. Then I think of him with her and I just about die. The fact that he really thinks hes done nothing wrong. That he left our 21 year marriage because he just didn't love me anymore we were never on the same page and he tried so hard. Yeah right. He makes this decision the month we bring our daughter home from hospital and month later tells me he doesn't love me anymore. Didn't want counceling didnt see any changes in the future. Then I'm really thinking its me and I start to realize the changes in him while separated. There was someone else, but we were separated he said to me about a month ago. Didn't reveal her to anyone until about 3 months after divorce final. Even to his family. We were only separated for 9 months. He wanted to move quickly on the divorce proceedings. Then about a month ago he admitted he was with her while separated. I can see right through all this. I read runaway husbands and serveral other books looking for answers. I just can't believe what just happened on the phone. He actually had the balls to pick my son up at my parents house, where my son is staying while home from college, and act like nothing was wrong. My parents loved him and are devestayed he did this. How he could look them in the eye and think hes done nothing wrong is beyond me. I'm just so destroyed all over again. How can you walk away claim it was his unhappiness and no longer loved me, his wife. Divorces and starts up immediately with someone from work. I just don't get it I never will, but how do I turn this around?
Any chance of you going no contact? I KNOW it was hard at first but been a lifesaver for me.
Take a walk, volunteer, get busy. Easier said than done-
Hugs
I found a couple of books really helpful: "Runaway Husbands," and " He's History, You're Not: Surviving Dicorce after 40." They both really bring home the point that what feels so unbelievable is actually far more common than anyone would think until it happens to them, and there's some comfort in that. Both books also are very practical and really can help you get through the bad days, at least that's been true for me
Reach out to friends, post here, and be gentle with yourself
Hugs and blessings.
(((((HUGS)))))
Clearly you are in a world of pain. I'm so, so sorry for that. I say that with all the empathy I can muster, truly! Every-time I read some poor soul's pain on this site, it hits me very hard and brings back that first, gut wrenching pain that I felt when i was walking the steps that you are in right now. Not that long ago.
Lisa, It will get better. You are still in shock that the person who had pledged to honour and love you has, in fact, been the perpetrator of the greatest emotional pain you've had in your life. He turned away from you. He chose himself over you and "us".
You've read Runaway Husbands (a great book) so I don't need to explain to you why he 'did' what he did. It's done and can't be undone. You need to think about that. The realization that one's marriage is over is very hard, especially if the 'dumpee' didn't see it coming and thought that there was love and trust in the marriage. Not sure if this was the case with you, but I suspect it was.
You are divorced. Your marriage is over. You must NOT try to use emotional pleas and angst to manipulate him over the phone or otherwise! You are harming YOURSELF and, to be frank, just annoying him. Please top contacting him - for your own sake!
I took a long while for me to get to the point where I really understood that he did not CARE about my feelings anymore! He had to turn 'that' off to be able to live with himself and the decisions that he made. This is a VERY COMMON behaviour of runaway husbands.
STOP contacting him Lisa! Just stop. If you need help, then get it! Go to counseling - a good therapist will help you to understand your own motivations and help you to build you up to believe in your own POWER.
You have power! You DO! You need to stop trying to understand why he made the choices that he did and start to concentrate on how to make yourself the best, most wonderful, happy and fulfilled person you can be.
YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS! Guess where I heard that? Here, yes, but actually, right out of the mouth of my very own therapist this morning! I am pulling for you that you can get the support that you need to find happiness in your life. He did not define you. He is not your future. The only constant is you. Peace!
Go and beat up on something, beat the living day lights on some object that won't hurt you. I trashed a plastic patio set into a zillion tiny pieces in the back yard. My neighbors knew I had gone mad, they knew and didn't say a word. And when you're done, it will time for you do some emotional damage control on your thoughts.
Hugs and prayers!
Diane
It's okay to feel so bad. It's normal. Cry as much as you want and let it all out. Tell your story to people who care about you or your counsellor. Even talk to yourself in the mirror or pretend you have someone there with you and tell everything.
Get it out. Don't let it stay inside and fester.Cry long and hard until you feel as though you couldn't cry another tear and you enter a kind of calm surreal place where your healing begins.
Unfortunately as has been said before here, the only way out is through. There aren't any shortcuts. One thing I promise you - if you pay attention to your feelings and allow them to be, feel them to the full, and deal with them as they come up, you'll get past it more quickly than if you bury and become sick later.
I remember this panicked kind of depression and sadness, the feelings of hopelessness and confusion.
Sending prayers for you, love and many hugs
kamary xxx
love and hugs
kamary
One day at a time, my friend. This is about getting over it -- you have already been through it.
You do NO CONTACT as much as possible; learn NOT to contact him about ANYTHING unless it has to do with visitation of minor children and keep plugging ahead. With time, distance and limited or no contact, it will get a lot easier.
Big squeezy hugs to you!
Please accept some ((hugs)) and prayers that you find comfort in this very difficult circumstance. Get plenty of rest and spend time with people who affirm you. Do not blame yourself for ex's poor decisions. Stay away from him so you can heal. Love yourself!!!!!!!!
Cheryl
(hugs)