Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
I just had an emotional breakdown and I need some support. The family dog of 14 years is with my sister since we lost our house and my X travels and couldn't take him and I moved away to Florida from Ohio and unable to have a dog where I live. Well he's getting older and I called to let him know of his aging and what we should do since my sister is now moving from Ohio to Alabama. He called me back and was very yes no thanks for calling we'll have to see what happens the next couple of weeks. Then I asked what he was doing this weekend to see if he could be with the dog and he told me he was out of town and I asked where thinking it was near...he said Minnasota where the OW lives. Hes going for business and meetings but is staying with her. Argh>>> I already was emotional about the dog and I just lost it then. I said to him I can't believe you did this to me and are with another woman. I didn't leave for her, you know why I left. I said no all I see is that you knew her you work with her and its obvisous why you left. He kept saying very coldly you know why I left, You know why I left. Of course I'm crying and he kept saying I'm at work I have to go. I'm hanging up. I just had a major melt down on the phone and hung up on him and cried uncontrollably. He's visiting next weekend bringing my son down with him. I just don't know how to handle it. I told my kids I will not be seeing him its too hard and I don't think I can handle it. They agree. But I thought I could. That I could just be oh hi how you doing. Then I think of him with her and I just about die. The fact that he really thinks hes done nothing wrong. That he left our 21 year marriage because he just didn't love me anymore we were never on the same page and he tried so hard. Yeah right. He makes this decision the month we bring our daughter home from hospital and month later tells me he doesn't love me anymore. Didn't want counceling didnt see any changes in the future. Then I'm really thinking its me and I start to realize the changes in him while separated. There was someone else, but we were separated he said to me about a month ago. Didn't reveal her to anyone until about 3 months after divorce final. Even to his family. We were only separated for 9 months. He wanted to move quickly on the divorce proceedings. Then about a month ago he admitted he was with her while separated. I can see right through all this. I read runaway husbands and serveral other books looking for answers. I just can't believe what just happened on the phone. He actually had the balls to pick my son up at my parents house, where my son is staying while home from college, and act like nothing was wrong. My parents loved him and are devestayed he did this. How he could look them in the eye and think hes done nothing wrong is beyond me. I'm just so destroyed all over again. How can you walk away claim it was his unhappiness and no longer loved me, his wife. Divorces and starts up immediately with someone from work. I just don't get it I never will, but how do I turn this around?
-
-
I had gone to the grocery store. When I wheeled my cartback to my car I just stool there a minute. A few spacesaway a Tesla Cyber truck was parked. I had seen it on theroad a few times for a few seconds. But not close up.It looked like it belonged to 2126 and not 2026. I wasgoing to take a picture of the car but the owners cameback and drove away. It was an ordinary middle age...
He told me there wasn't anyone else, that was the last thing he wanted. Then moved to MS from VA for someone.
If yours is like mine, as painful as it is, you have to accept that he is a LIAR and will LIE to justify his actions. I know the pain is unbearable.
I'm so sorry you are feeling bad.
On top of that, I think one of the biggest things we have to deal with is loss of the dream. Our futures as we thought they'd be are suddenly taken from us, no longer exist. For a while, we feel a bit rudderless and lost. All this in addition to taking in the betrayal, loss of love and security, dealing with our kids, and the list just goes on.
Even though you know you don't want a relationship with a cad like your stbx, you still grieve the loss of the person you so loved, and the dream you had of the future.
You'll be wondering who you are. What is my role now? Where do I fit in the world? Who might want me now? All sorts of doubts and fears rush through your mind.
Watch those thoughts. See them all for what they are. Thoughts. Fears. Try to take a step back and look at things from a distance, as though you're watching your thoughts and your life from the seats in a theatre. When you can do this, you see things more clearly, rather than being "in" it, consumed by it all. Breathe deeply, concentrating on the breaths, and sit quietly while you try this.
People who cheat have no compassion or empathy for others. People who say what your ex is saying have absolutely no idea what's happening for you. He can't blame himself because he's narcissist and he is wonderful, cannot do a thing wrong, but more importantly, "he must not be seen by others as in the wrong." He'll tell porkies till the sung goes down to keep his own skin looking clean. You can't fight this. The only thing to do with someone like that is the No Contact you've already begun. You're doing the physical NC. It's time to start the emotional No Contact.
Emotional No Contact is harder but is essential. Whenever he upsets you, put up that big old STOP sign and refuse to enter that space. Look at him objectively and see him straight away for what he is.
Then work on being the best person you can be. Find out what you want from now on in your own life. Get excited about something you do, even if it's just walking barefoot outside. Look for other joys. They are out there. You just have to decide you're going to find them and enjoy them. Replace thoughts of him with happy ones of something else.
All these things take effort and time, but you will one day wake up knowing that he no longer is uppermost in your mind, and you are free.
love and hugs
kamary
(Heaven help the ow when she is his only source of power. lol)