Hi

I realise it must be hard going out with a diabetic. I realise you are trying to do what you think is best. It is nice that you care. I hope what I am about to say doesn't upset or offend you, I don't mean it to.

However, with that out of the way, I have to say in my opinion/experience you are going about it all wrong. All you are doing is being the Diabetes Police and making him miserable. The only effect of that as you can see is to make him dig his heels in more. If you lay off him and he sees it is OK to eat the occasional plate of chips, he won't want them as much. By lashing out at him like this you only make the chips more desirable as they are forbidden.

Diabetes is horrible, OK? It really restricts our lives, we have to test and inject all the time, and our eating and activities are limited by our blood sugars. You have no idea what it can be like. Your pancreas works fine. You can eat whatever you like, or get totally drunk, or skip a meal. You have the freedom to choose. You don't have to think all the time about the effects of what you are doing, or worry about complications. Eating chips is a small rebellion against all the restrictions placed on us. He probably feels terrified about complications, everyone is telling him he will go blind and horrible things will happen to him, even the people he loves. He has no supportive loving space to think.

And at the end of the day, I am sorry but what he eats is none of your business. Unless you stop acting like it is, you may break up your relationship entirely. You have to find a way of living your life and not making your mental wellbeing dependent on whether your boyfriend eats chips. That is a huge pressure to put on someone and is really unfair in my opinion.

If you want to intervene, why not do it positively? Cook for him, or find a cooking class you can attend together. Share the process of cooking and eating meals, invite friends, make it a social experience. Look into local famers markets and places you can get healthy food affordably. If he wishes to share that food, great. If not don't pressure him. Just keep cooking delicious healthy meals with no obligation on him. If he sees he can have nice food which is more healthy, hopefully he will come round. But if not, it really isn't your responsiblity to force him and you can't do so. It is HIS body and HIS diabetes not yours and you should respect that.

Or why not leave the food alone? Why not approach it from the other side and encourage more exercise. Find fun exercise options and invite him along, maybe paintballing or something which is not exercise exactly, but involves running about and you sort of exercise without realising. Or would he be interested in a martial art, or yoga, or dancing, or something non-traditional? Or a Wii game or something? But again if he doesn't want to it is his choice.

Or maybe he doesn't know how to manage his diabetes. I did not learn until I had been diabetic 15 years, at which point I got myself on an education course. Doctors do not teach vital skills so if there is a course he can go to it might help. But he may not be ready for it.

Maybe the cause of all this is the lack of jobs? Maybe the frustration of not finding jobs is getting you down and the chips are just a smokescreen? Would it help if you went off separately each day to work on finding a job? Maybe one could go to the library and work online, if you have laptops one could work in a cafe online applying for jobs, or you could take your CV around to places? If you are in the house all day worrying under each others feet maybe that is causing this stress. Or maybe one of you could find a voluntary job. This will keep you busy, out of the house and will look good on your CV and so it will be easier to get a paid job.

Basically, my advice is, back off. If you wish to offer positive solutions, that is great. But he may not accept them and that doesn't reflect on you. Diabetes is a heavy burden for us and our partners/families and we do get burnt out and stop caring at times. It takes time to get through it. I just think your own mental condition and stress is causing you to lash out and push him away over this. I hope you can find a way to step back and recover yourself, and allow him space to work out whatever issues he has about his diabetes without fearing your anger. Offer support and positivity not blame and anger.

You're lucky he is still around. If a girl tried to control me like you do to him I would break up with her instantly. It's NONE of your damn business what he eats or doesn't eat. He's an adult LEAVE HIM ALONE.

Geez! Lay off the girl. she is reaching out for help ppl. What the heck is this forum for if she can't rech out?? I too have a BF who is type 1 diabetic. He has a hard time everyday. Some better then others. We together have gone and signed up for special dietary classes specifically for diabetics. We live together and cook together all the time. He gets super depressed and I try to lift his spirits. Lately to no avail. I wish he would reach out to other diabetics like himself but he won;t do it. BUT I feel that I need support in this matter and am willing to ask for help. He is 40 years old. Had JJD since he was 5. He feels alone and jaded to say the least. I sure hope there are more compassionate people on here then the last 2 post I read in response to this girls cries for help!

I don't think my post was so bad, re-read the first paragraph nmiddy. And throughout I tried to be fair and suggest doing positive things. That is why it was so long, because I was trying to explain as much as I could. Myself and the other poster who responded are both diabetics so our replies will be from our own experience, from the diabetic's side. Maybe some more friends/family will respond too and hopefully give more perspectives. But if you do post on a public forum like this you have to be prepared to hear replies which disagree with you and a wide range of views.

Hi nmiddy,

LOL I hate to say it but if your BF came in and posted he would indeed be welcomed much warmer and with wide open arms than you or any other person who doesn't have diabetes seeking advice on how to "handle" one of us diabetics for a lack of better terms.

I know I am definitely jaded, for the most part feel alone in my diabetes (although my online diabetic peeps help close that gap), and whenever I see someone who isn't one post looking for advice about the type 1 they love I tend to recoil a bit because they are usually looking for justification in their actions, wanting to rant about our actions (like anyone ever wants to hear about that), or looking for new ways in "policing" their loved one.

If a nondiabetic person comes in asking how to treat a low, or what signs of being high are, or how to make a recipe more diabetic friendly - now those make me grin, give me a warm fuzzy, and make me want to help them as they definitely aren't ranting or policing. I know such a fine line you normies have to walk isn't it? It kind of sucks finding that balance.

As someone who has it, I had a very hard time relating to those who love one who does but doesn't have it. Now that I have a family member has it too, I can understand your position a bit better. LOL Although after 30 years of being a type one I still relate easier to the one who has it. ;-)

At any rate you might find a support forum that is made specifically for family members of a diabetic to be more helpful than oh say us recoiling type 1's.

I am certain somewhere on dLife (another diabetic support group)there is an active forum that would be a warm welcome to you. Here is a start for finding someone that might be running a community you can join (you'll understand that comment if you surf their site a while): http://diabetescommunity.dlife.com/go/forum/view/126065/216753/the_dlife_family_room:_support_for_friends_and_family

dLife also has a TV show that I find makes for a perfect date night with the hubby to watch. ;-) Good luck!

I think your post is harsh, dotconnector.

Are you saying nobody with diabetes or any other chronic disease should have a partner? What about their parents, family, friends? Should we disconnect from everyone when diagnosed?

It seems to me that the only way to avoid the situation you describe is by living completely alone and having no connection with any other living soul. Which sounds kind of sad really. If you care about anyone, there might come a day when they become old, or injured, or sick, or you do, and one of you has to take care of the other. That is just the gamble you take when you connect with another person. But if you love them, that shouldn't matter. However ill they are you can enjoy the moment, make the most of things and be grateful for what you have together.

REGARDLESS OF THE DISEASE, if a person wants to destroy their own health/life they should be able to do so -
Without taking hostages along for the ride -

I take care of my diabetes so that no else feels they have to -
As w/any loving elationship, it requires nurturing -
Behaving irresponsiby w/a killer disease does not add quality to A relationship, just friction -
A hostile partner of any kind is not worth the time or headache -
REGARDLESS OF THE DISEASE -
A person has to love themself first to have something to offer so they can love another person -

*Be kind & loving w/yourself everyday of your life*

Take care ~

Someone struggling to control their diabetes to my mind is not hostile. They aren't doing it deliberately. They need love and care not blame. Like any skill, some are better at it than others and diabetes does not discriminate between them. I believe that many if not all of what you would call 'irresponsible' diabetics are not trying to destroy their health but struggling to manage a difficult condition.

And the minority who appear to be deliberately trying to destroy themselves are more than likely suffering from depression which often goes along with diabetes. Cutting them off and treating them as if they are at fault will only worsen their situation. Depression is a real illness just like diabetes and the combination of both can be almost impossible to deal with alone. Isolating someone like this could have very serious consequences.

I believe that people should be treated with compassion and love not resentment and blame.

I also believe that if you make promises in a marriage ceremony to stay with someone through sickness and health, you should really mean that and not desert them in their time of need or expect them to do that to you. If you don't mean it, or if you think they don't, or if you won't let them do it, what on earth is the point in saying those meaningless words in the first place?

If someone cares enough to want to be your partner, and loves you, they will be happy to care for you if you need it, as you would be for them.

This needs to be read objectively -

The issue is NOT ABOUT DIABETES, it's about CO-DEPENDENCY -

Innocenteyes has decribed the many ways she has tried to make him responsible for his own disease -
Her post was to ask how to change BF -
She stated it is driving her to "relapse"; meaning she has a health issue -

WHO IS TO BLAME FOR NOT TAKING CARE OF ONE'S OWN HEALTH?

It is not him that is the problem, it is Innocenteyes who is the problem to herself -
I noticed you went from diabetes to talking about love/relationships -

IE & BF have a toxic relationship -
It allows each one to focus on the other's issues instead of taking responsiblity for their own-

This happens in relationships.It becomes unhealthy/toxic when each one is pointing a finger at the other -
Blame the partner for their own irresponsiblity, unhappiness, poor health, joblessness, etc -

Innocenteyes cannot change him -
She can only change herself -
First, she needs to wholeheartedly identify who the problem is by looking in the mirror, accepting it & changing her focus of attention to herself -

BF has access to health care professionals to work w/him on his diabetes -
Therefore, it's not her job to mommy him; treat him like a child -

To have a healthy relationship it has to be lovingly nurtured -
It appears theirs is a vicious cycle of hostility toward one another -
Some people need & want it -
Even though they say the opposite & completely deny it -
Only they can look inside themself to find their truth -
At the same time, they are quite young & may need to go first go through the school of hard knocks to want to change -

LIfe is hard -
With the high rate of divorce, it's obvious those marriages did not have the stamina to withstand many of life's hardships -
Not all people who love eachother can be together -
To love another person is to be aware of that person entirely, help make their life run smoothly & to be caring, to not be a burden -
Especially when it can be prevented -
And vice versa -
To love ourself is to care for our health -
In a committed relationship, whether legally married or not, each knows what they can & should be able to expect from their spouse or partner -
The only commitment this couple has is to drive each other crazy -

Hopefully, you have taken diabete out of the equation to understand the true nature of IE's post -

Take care ~

I mean this in the best way possible, but-- All of your replies to this girl's seeking help sound really SELFISH. I have raised 2 type 1 diabetic boys, both diagnosed at the age of 2 - my oldest and my youngest - for the last 18 years. You are correct - I do not have diabetes myself. BUT that doesn't mean I don't know what it's like. My entire life since 1995 has been about type 1 diabetes. I learned not to sleep through the night because of type 1 diabetes. I learned how to make food that my kids would eat because of type 1 diabetes. I homeschooled my kids for 6 years because of type 1 diabetes. I learned never to go anywhere without food because of type 1 diabetes. I worked at home and put my schooling and career on hold because of type 1 diabetes. I learned everything there is to know about how to care for type 1 diabetes and then some.....and I know how to adjust insulin better than most endocrinologists - except maybe for the diabetic ones. I know so much about diabetes that I feel like I should be taking a shot with every meal, and do my test at least 4x per day. In fact, I WISH it was ME WHO HAD THE type 1 diabetes instead!

Just because you have type 1 diabetes and I don't, doesn't mean I can't seek help or support on this forum A diabetic should never feel like they can decide not to take care of themselves because it's their right, or do whatever they want, hurt whoever they want, unless they live completely alone and have no friends, family or lovers. That goes for EVERY OTHER DISEASE TOO.

Yes, DIABETES SUCKS. Yes, it's a terrible disease. But guess what? There is worse! There are FAR worse things you could have. Maybe you just don't know. Let me know and I'll list them for you. And I CAN say this because I've had my own pity party about T1D and how hard it is to take care of it 24/7.

You know what else sucks?? When a diabetic decides they don't care to take care of their disease, and they don't care or even think about who else it hurts. AND IT DOES HURT OTHERS. It hurts EVERYONE WHO CARES about the diabetic. And it's SELFISH.

Instead of directing this girlfriend to go elsewhere, couldn't you have given her some tips? Even if one of the tips was to ignore what he is eating, and that if he is taking care of himself otherwise, that's what's most important??

My 20-year-old diabetic has been refusing to take care of his diabetes for over a year now. He has had terrifying lows - absolutely terrifying. He's now in the 400s-600s at least once daily. He has even scared his 16-year-old diabetic brother. I have tried backing off. I have tried talking with him about it. I have taken him to his care team to talk with them about it. He is smoking pot, drinking, doing whatever he pleases. Except guess what?? He still lives with his family, and it AFFECTS ALL OF US. And frankly, it's our business. If he wants to go live by himself and do himself in - you're right - I can't do anything about it. But I sure as heck am not going to watch it happen before my eyes.

I was going to ask for advice on here because I'm at my wits end. I want to help him get back on track before he does some serious irreversible damage. But forget it - you people are too bent on telling others that we don't get it and we don't know how hard it is. Well, be careful with that - there are PLENTY of us non-diabetics who know EXACTLY HOW HARD IT IS!!!!!

T1D MOM,

I definitely don't know how hard it is to be the mom of a T1D. That goes beyond my imagination. Granted I do think a non-T1D mom who has had to care for a T1D is about as close to knowing what it is like to be a T1D, but you still can not know until you have it.

That is like me saying I know what it's like to be kicked in the balls, or your husband saying he knows what it's like to give birth. After all, he was there with you from your son's conception till his birth. Heck he might have even been in the room when you delivered. But we both know he doesn't really know what it's like to give birth.

So please don't give your son, other T1D's, and those who love a T1D the disservice by saying you know. Because seriously, I think it's a hell of a lot worse emotionally for a mom in so many ways then it will ever be on me and you deserve the credit for not caring so much when it isn't even you!

Please don't tell people to not feel bad or whine because there is much worse out there. Telling someone to not whine or feel bad because others have it worse is like telling someone not to be so happy as someone else is happier! That's just insane.

I couldn't offer any great help as I can not relate at all to her situation as I am the T1D, not the person trying to get the T1D to do better. I also don't have an eating disorder myself. It's like asking a non-alcoholic to help an alcoholic. You might be able to get some help but nothing like that alcoholic would get if they went to an AA meeting.

Your scenarios are more like an al-anon going to an actual AA meeting. Yes, they are both geared to alcohol recovery but those in AA will tell ya an al-anon meeting really doesn't cut it for an alcoholic and those in al-anon will tell you something is greatly lacking for them in an AA meeting.

It's because they can't exactly relate to the situation. It's exactly why we have a Type 1 group and a Type 2 group even though they are both diabetes and management often crosses over they are still very different. Just as being a family member to either of those is very different.

I'm sad you jumped to the right conclusion in such a way, although highly understandable as I can just feel the sincere heart felt frustration and exhaustion dripping from every word you wrote, but yes the support you are looking for will more likely be found in a different support group elsewhere one that specializes in being a friend or a family member of a diabetic. I hope you can find it. And if do find one please, please post it here so others don't have such a hard time finding the right group.

And for some odd reason, I don't know why but I sincerely want to hug you and tell you it will be okay. Only one, I am indeed bit of a cranky selfish diabetic so I doubt that it would be welcomed and two, I really don't know it will be okay as my diabetic journey hasn't been all rainbows and unicorns either. Nonetheless, (((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))) and thanks so much for being a T1D mom. I know I wouldn't be here without mine!

T1DMom,

I know this will sound silly but...I have read your post about a dozen times now and as I read it, I realized that over half of that post is something you could have been writing directly to your son.

It hit me hard, perhaps because my imagination grew 15 times this day, and I was able to step outside of my T1D box and realize - whoa. This is really what I would want to yell at my kid if he had diabetes and wasn't taking care of it.

Then I realized I could have been your kid. And as your kid if I came across a post like this from my mom - well it would make me change. I doubt it would be lasting, or even in how I manage my diabetes, but it would for sure open my eyes even more to the pain and frustration my mom felt.

Soooooo (and this might be completely horrible advice so take it with a grain of salt) but perhaps print it off and leave it somewhere where he is sure to read it?

I'm very new here, but I'm newly diabetic and I care deeply about what I eat so I feel the reverse side of this disagreement. I watch everything I eat (granted the constant vigilance is what brought me here since I'm approaching burnout) - but diet is everything. Diet is the best treatment for diabetes.

I'm married and wish my wife would take a more active role in my treatment. I just started seeing counseling with her as I feel stress and depressed even with very good control, with a very clean diet and with plenty of exercise. I'm still stressed by this constant inescapable diagnosis. I think your concern is caring and coming from the heart, but again, I'm new and maybe I'll become as jaded the guy in the 2nd reply - his response makes me feel like I might be in the wrong place by joining this site.

I'm not here to wallow and further distance myself from those with functioning pancreases, I'm here to find people who understand me yet understand how to still fit in with the reality of the world around them.

I don't think it is a good idea to say what is worse or better, easier or harder. There is no accepted hierarchy of illnesses. Some people have t1d and climb mountains, run marathons and find it manageable, but for others it is really difficult and that does not make them lazy, selfish or bad people. The difficulty or not can depend on a number of factors, including their support network of friends and family, access to medical expertise, general mindset/mental health and other things.

Diabetes and depression also often go hand in hand and depression makes even basic self care or other tasks seem impossible. If the person is depressed no amount of telling or forcing will make a difference, they need to see a mental health professional and be treated for it.

Really, with any issue diabetic or not there is no way of forcing people to do what you want or think they 'should'. The only thing to do, in my opinion, is continuing to love them, and tell them so and why, often. Be supportive and don't show them your frustration. By fighting them you just give them something to push against. When they are ready. they will know you are there to help them. But if they see you as disappointed, or likely to tell them they are selfish or doing things wrong, they will not come to you and will find it even harder to ask for help. Remember that it takes a lot of courage to take that first small step of admitting to yourself you need help, let alone anyone else.

And try to find out if there is a reason behind it. In my case for example much of it was down to the fact that I did not know what to do and it scared me. I found the transition from being a child and having my diabetes managed for me, to managing it alone, really tough and my care team left me to it. I had not been told how to adjust my insulin or deal with highs and lows. I saw no point in collecting test results as I did not know what to do with them.

I don't think people are 'wallowing' here either. There is a tendency for negative posts because people post here when they have an actual problem and need support, or they just want to vent, so they don't upset friends or family. If things are going fine, people don't think to post here often, why would they?

We all want the best for our loved ones, but each person has the ability to take care of their self.

Sorry to say unless he wants to change his eating habit or any habit it wont happen.