So, it's been a year that I've tried to find something in my new field. It's been devastating. At this point I think it's safe to say that at least for the forseeable future it's not going to work, at least not in this season.  I had one job in my field I really loved early last fall, and they never paid me, so I left.  That and another position keeps getting posted again and again over the past year, so I'm not sure what's going on over there.  It was nice, it was like 15 minutes from my house, well paid, and very interesting.  Truly sad. Every time I see the reposting it makes me sick.  There is another firm here in my area that does something similar. They had open positions earlier this year and rejected my application. I stopped following them on LinkedIn today because I see the pictures of them having big parties, etc. at the lake celebrating, apparently the staff went on some boat cruise. I can't stand to look at it. 

When I go to my professional group, there is a man there that interviewed me and that rejection was pretty brutal.  They sent me an abrupt, "Not moving forward." that was all they said in the email...when I see him there he just stares blankly at me while I talk about other jobs that I didn't get, either and gives me sideye. I've run into him at a few other industry meetups and always catch him coldly staring a me from across the room and it gives me the ick, so I've kind of retreated from some of these meetups. I had three interviews for a position with my college and they recinded that position, too.

I've been rejected from three employers after four interviews-all in the past month. The last interview was a paid internship. I've already graduated. I feel incredibly sad when I see graduation celebrations at my college from the year I graduated, there are pictures reposted from the ceremony, I feel sick when I look at them. All that fanfare for seemingly nothing. I guess I keep thinking to myself, 'what's wrong with me?"

I dont' know if it's the stages of grief or what, but something is wrong with the situation. My therapist talked about doing "teaching for a season" while I figure this out. I've been teaching for like 20 years now, somehow I feel like it won't be just a season if I keep doing it.  The application/interview cycle has totally wiped me out.  For the past few months I'll spend one/two days putting in applications, and subbing the rest of the week.  Sometimes I feel like I should put more applications in a single day, I usually space them out-several on Monday, work the rest of the week, and then do it again on saturday. I had like five more applications earmarked to do this weekend, and when I checked back, the positions were gone last night, since Monday.  I guess you have do as much as you can and fast, some of these jobs are not available for long.

In terms of relocating, I considered one place, moving back to the town that the rest of my family is from. I don't want to move somewhere that I know absolutely no one. One entry level job in my home city came open, so I applied, I would have to relocate 2000 miles if I did that, but I would be open to it. I try to take breaks between application/interview rounds becuase I literally get adrenaline dumps after these interviews, even though they are zoom interviews. 

I'm going to a job fair Tuesday at this very conservative Christian college. Apparently my therapist is going to be there too, so I will keep a low profile. I actually know a hiring manager there and have his number.  He was talking about 'being my boss', as I know him from a meetup, but I could tell that was not all he wanted to be so I let that pass...a couple of men who I tried to network with and gave my resume to were looking for something else!

I'm reluctant to be adjunct faculty there as you have to adopt a very narrow religious view and are required to pepetuate this view in your teaching, no matter your subject area, and it says that in the job description. I'm going to apply to some administrative roles there.  I did a pre-recorded interview for a work from home position on Monday.  All I would have to do is spend an extra 10 dollars for higher speed internet and could do the job It would be totally fine. Never heard from them again. 90 percent of the recruiters who message me are scams I think.  Some of them ask for your SSN and birthdate in the email!  Only one recruiter that I worked with was legitimate. I study hard for the interviews and am prepared. Issue is that the longer I am not working in the field, some of my skills and knowledge get rusty, and and some of the harder interview questions I can feel myself struggling. My work experience is limited, most of it contractual or internships, so there is some depth that I am lacking. Some free courses/videos out there might prove helpful.

The worst part about it is the optimism. I go into each interview thinking, 'maybe I will get this!" and then I don't. The third one in about three weeks the fatigue was beginning to show. I was doing my practice mock interview with AI in voice mode, and the thought, "maybe I will get this!" came into my mind, quickly followed by this cold feeling that I was wrong. And in fact I did not get that job. What's worse is the will to try is now gone. Negativity has crept in so far that I look at an opportunity and now think, "yeah, nevermind." At this point. I've gotten to where I look at potential partners, dating, etc. thinking something similar. Negativity has infected me, and I'm usually a pretty motivated and confident person.

It's like dating, where you get super excited and are attracted to the person, and you find out they are "going through a separation" etc. or some other variation of not available that you find out after the first date. And then it's rinse and repeat until you feel like an empty shell.  Someone on here mentoned the possibility of ageism, which has crossed my mind.  Even five years ago I looked quite young for my age; that is changing now though.  If it is ageism they are never going to tell you that and there is no way of proving it. I had one organizer at a meetup ask me, "Do you know what a Meme is?" He was talking to me like I was slow...someone said, "Dude, she's not that old!"