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Why can't I just love me ...

Elven88
Elven88

I could write pages upon pages of how I feel ..and I don't even have the energy for that. I have everything I need, a roof over my head, a job, a car a family..why can't I ever just be happy within myself.  I wish I could be other people, I want to be everyone else but me. She's stronger, more beautiful, she's not sad everyday, she's more desirable therefore her partner loves her and they make it work. 



I've been with my partner for going on 8 years .. we have gone through alot of trauma in the past, from cheating and lying and long distance (he's in the airforce) - I've tried to forget all of that and have tried very hard to forgive but I still bear so much of the hurt that's been caused. He finally asked me to marry him and this year we are getting married ....and I'm so scared, I'm so so scared and all my trauma has come back to me and I don't know if this is what I want. There's days where I wish could god could just take me, I wish sometimes I couldn't feel love or dislike or anything even just for a moment. 


I live in a country for him ..leaving my family and friends. I am here and have tried to make a life for myself , supporting him and his son( my step son) whom i love very much..but in doing that I've lost myself - I wish I could be someone else..I have my on going anxieties and depression to deal with everyday. My partner doesn't communicate, he can't help me through it.. and I just feel so alone. 



I'm so sorry for the rambling .. even if no one replies I am just glad I've let it out 



X

Andromeda8
Andromeda8
If you are not ready for marriage, don't jump in the marital nest with your eyes and ears closed to your surroundings. If you are uncertain and hesitate about getting married, defer the ceremony until you have properly think it through. Women have the sixth sense/intuition about their surroundings and relationships. Perhaps your hesitancy is a warning of unpleasant times to come. Think your marriage through carefully before making a commitment; perhaps go back home to your family to think this through than staying with your partner and being pressured by him to jump into marriage. Think it through and avoid divorce down the track, which is made more difficult if children come along later on. Take care, and best wishes.
GreenEyes727
GreenEyes727
Good morning. Well you do not sound like a happy bride-to-be and that's not how it's supposed to be. You don't have to marry him. The truth will set you free. Be honest with yourself.
Elven88
Elven88
Ironic as it sounds I've been waiting for him to propose for so long... and he kept on promising and it never happened. Then last year he proposed when I was getting tired of waiting ..do you think after so many empty promises I just lost hope. I should be happy and at the moment I'm not - I can't speak to my family and friends as I know out of love they would be my side, am I the one being selfish and should I just accept what I have and just get on with things? Try as I might ..talking won't help, I don't know how else to show him how i feel.
GreenEyes727
GreenEyes727
I'll repeat myself. You do not have to marry him. It's a case of a little too late. When I was breaking off with one boyfriend, he asked if we could give it 6 more months and then talk marriage. Ah, no! I was watching a Mel Robbins interview the other day. You might want to check her out on YouTube. She is an inspirational speaker. She was telling the story of being in Iceland in a restaurant or Cafe and a woman there heard her say something to her husband and this woman praised Mel Robbins up and down for saving her from an abusive relationship. You need someone to make you understand your worth. You do not have to marry him for any reason. Then of course there is counseling.
Andromeda8
Andromeda8
Your partner just wants a homemaker to look after the household and his son. When it comes to love and relationships, he just looks elsewhere and casts his net wide to find other conquests. He sounds unfaithful, unreliable, uncommitted and most of all dishonest. You have spent 8 yrs of your youth that you cannot get back. You do not know a person until you share his life, and now you know, you abhor that person and your heart wants to make a rapid exit.

This is just my observations as an outsider, but you know best being the primary person in this distanced relationship. Take care, and best wishes.
Elven88
Elven88
I don't hate him, I have never found room in my heart to hate him. He's not a bad person and has very good qualities but also has some bad ones. He has had a very troubled childhood and without any help has brought them into adulthood - I understand this cannot always be an excuse.

He has gotten better over the years compared to how he was when I first met him. I am to blame though, my love for him is too strong to leave or was to strong to leave back then too.

I love him and his son very much and when he is in a good place, we can laugh, have fun and talk etc..but when he's not then he's just not present.. and I'm just scared.

I have no problem in going for help.. but I am slowly healing and fixing myself - he needs to have this journey but doing this would hurt his ego.
GirlinCalif
GirlinCalif
I also agree not to get married until his issues are under control.

Tell him that he needs to get into counseling/therapy, before you would even consider setting a wedding date.

If you marry him, things will get worse, not better. And he will isolate you more than you already are.

Tell him he needs counseling. He can do that easily... for his new wife, right?

I hope things work out for you. You do have complete control over your situation. You have all the power. Do not rush into marriage if you are having ANY doubts! Marriage will only escalate all the bad things that you are dealing with now. Have him go to therapy.
Andromeda8
Andromeda8
Listen to yourself, by your own words, you are "scared". An adult should take responsibility for his actions. When he has erred the first time, you forgave him but then he erred a zillion times after that, and you had forgiven him a trillion times more. He has treated you like a door mat, and tramples your dignity all over, again and again. Why bother to change when he has a compliant and servile partner (soon to be forever sealed wife) who can take whatever he dishes out. Don't make excuse for him, and you are not his mommy who can pick up and clear all the messes he has created. I don't know Elven, perhaps you need to spend more time to mull over what kind of future you want to have. Or even better, ask for a temporary separation so that you can think things through without being pressurized to do things you have no desire of doing.
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