Depression has gotten me in quite a stronghold, but I've been working hard in therapy.  I didn't expect to be so emotional and crying so much the last time I went to therapy, but I did. I guess I am in the right place and should be there.  I was feeling fatigued trying to do behavioral activation and get out, and I had gone to social events that really didn't turn out well, and that was discouraging.  I've been working past some challenging things that have happened and some stressors, including drama with friends.  I think I'm starting to get past it.

Last night I went to an event that I like very much, since being in Grad school, I've joined an organization for grad and PhD students and they do things together.  It's really a fit and I love it.  I meet so many cool and interesting people.  Sometimes, I can tell my depression level for the day when I wake up.  Sometimes I will have nightmares at night or wake up during the night, those days are the worst.  I woke up in a very bad mood one day this week, and another, woke up feeling amazing and had a great day.  I had an amazing time last night, felt really great, but for some reason when I woke up, today, Saturday, I just never got out of bed. I stayed in bed all day, and I had a huge project that I have to do for school that is due Monday. I did absolutely nothing.  I don't know if it's because I had a bad case of COVID last week, and maybe that is sort of bleeding over, I don't know. But I just didn't want to face the day.  I really don't understand it, how I can go from having an amazing evening and then the next morning the depression just sets right in. I remember a psychiatrist telling me a very long time ago that depression tends to be better at night and worse in the morning.

I just didn't want to get together with my family today. I've been in no contact with them for eight years and I was much better off. Recently my mom has been trying to get me back involved. I just despise my brother. He used to abuse me, physically and was verbally vicious.  I just don't love him. I wasn't looking forward to seeing him at all.  I know the anger and hate really isn't getting me anywhere and is not good for me, but I just can never forget all of the terrible things he did to me.  I won't dwell on it but I don't want anything to do with him. My mother is attempting to force a relationship with us.  I didn't look at him the whole dinner and toward the end she wanted me and him to take a picture together.  I said no and left as we were in the parking lot. He also likes to hold hands and pray, which I refuse, because to me it's this massive show of hypocrisy. So I said no to that too. I think the whole thing is so hypocritical.  He's been enabled this whole time and all his behavior has been excused. He's 46 years old and lives with them, mooches off of them. He can't do anything on his own, I'm not sure if he has any friends or anything.  After about an hour and a half I could not wait to get out of the dinner, I just wanted to get out of there. My mom wants us to hang out more and I just don't want to get involved. Maybe I will turn down the next hangout. I'm just not interested.