Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
Hello all,
It has been a few weeks since my last post or even visit to this website, so I suppose "dailystrength" is a bit of a misnomer in my case. Since then, I have left the dreary depression that was my life in London for a month and I have returned to my parents in the USA. This has had some beneficial effect on my mental well-being: I get regular sleep, I exercise every day, I have started to learn Russian, I'm eating healthily, and I'm plowing my way through War & Peace. More than anything though, I'm not left by myself for any period longer than a few hours.
The temptation to kill myself is still there - every day, nearly, I think about taking my life, in a sort of detached, emotionless kind of way. As in, I probably won't do it, but it's comforting to think about, to imagine it, to know that it's an option. Yet I still feel cripping loneliness, depression, and anxiety. I was able to obtain some more citalopram here, which is helping, but it's also causing me to have nightmares. Vivid nightmares, where I do kill myself.
Today has been a pretty shitty day already. I got turned down from an inernship I was really hoping to obtain, because I'm simply not here for long enough. My mother has been breathing down my neck for me to try and find something to do, and ever moment I don't, she makes me feel like a failure. This has only compounded that feeling. As I left the gym and started walking home, an african-american gentleman ahead of me was walking the same way. He was maybe 10-20 feet ahead of me, going in the same direction I was headed; turning onto the street I need to turn onto; crossing over when I needed to cross over. He kept looking back to make sure I was still there, and anxiously turning his head away when he noticed I saw him. I didn't pay much attention to this, as I was bopping along to my music and walking home. But then about 100 ft away from my house, he looked back at me again and started to run away and making sure I wasn't following him. I proceeded to enter my home, feeling confused and distraught.
It's a strange feeling to know that someone felt threatened by my presence on their walk home, or to imagine that at this moment, the gentleman is probably thinking he got away from a dangerous situation. To clarify, I am a very non-threatening individual, I have no ill-will towards anybody or anything without reason. I had no ill intentions towards this gentleman and I'm honestly distraught to think I was likely taken for a racist who was following him in order to confront and/or harm him.
I was exhausted when I left the gym but now I can't close my eyes and I'm shaky. Tonight's sleep will not come easily.
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Hi All.... It's great to see all of the new people joining the site... I'm loving it!!...smileI'm not sure if people are aware that if you don't have Bipolar Disorder but have a loved one who has the disorder we do have a board for people to go to in order to share their experiences and seek friendship, support or adviseIt's the Friends and Family of Bipolar Board.... I hope you'll take a...
About the internship, I too have faced many hardships in that category. I emailed dozens on dozens of places with very little reply. Or worse a promise to look at my work sometime and never a commitment. It made me feel like a failure. Especially when those around me were getting internships. Long story short I need up finally getting an internship which has now transition into a full time gig. So hang in there and it will happen to you. If the amount of time you will be here is an issue maybe you can volunteer at conferences, workshops, and other field related activities. It would be a great way to get some experience and network.
As for the gentleman you startled. That is just the state of the time we live in. People get fearful if they think someone is following them. It's nothing against you, it's just fear that's beat into the general public by ever negative news broadcast and every scary story that's splashed all over Social Media. Fear is the new normal and that's just the way it is....you did nothing wrong.
For whatever reason it's become more normal for older children to live with their parents, the problem is there are no clear Rules established that your living there as an adult, not a child. So your parents still treat you like a child. If your living with your Parents you should be paying some kind of rent and their should be Rules established that make it clear you live there as an adult that makes his own decisions. If your parents can't deal with that, then you probably need to find a different place to live.
Make a list of the things you need to do and one for the things you want to accomplish. And then write out what it will take to do each of those things. Make yourself a guide line. And as you check off each one, you'll be able to see all that you have done.
Have you tried journaling? It's a good way to get the "poison" out of your head. Passing on to you the quote from "Trust Your Journey"
Above all, be the hero of your life, not the victom.
You have the strength to control your life, And at night before bed, read that list of positive things about yourself. The more positive you put in your head, will leave less room for the negative. Hug