You need to call someone. Or go see them. Don't be alone. I was in your position 2 months ago. I did it. And I failed. We are stuck here and have to make the best of what we have. I moved in with my sister. I don't trust myself being alone. Not that I would try again....but that I would fall deeper into the pit of darkness called depression. Now there are people here when I get home from work. A support network if you will. We are here for you. Express yourself.

Thanks I am surrounded by people but no one understands what I am going through. I'm beginning to wonder if anyone cares.

Sometimes there are intensive outpatient hospital programs where you can go for a few days to be with others who are feeling the same way. There are docs, social workers, therapists and others who try to help you feel better.
If you really feel suicidal and it's between death and the hospital, we may as well try the hospital. It will give you time away from the stressors in your life.

I am going to go to the ER on the 26th if things don't change. I don't see it happening though and I am getting tired of taking meds that don't work.

I really don't want to go back into the hospital. Ending it all would be much easier.

i know it would be easier to do... but at the same time, you do have people who care. we may not be able to relate 100%, i may not understand everything that's going on in your life, but if each of us understands just 1%, and we combine our abilities, we can help you... and the doctors/therapists/whoever you see want to help you. they didn't join that profession for shits and giggles, or to have someone to make fun of... they joined because they realized that people sometimes need help... i got out of the hospital 2 months ago for severe depression and suicidal ideations... and this month, i have had a much harder time preventing myself from doing something... but i'm glad that i didn't. and i'm glad that you haven't yet. if you ever need someone to vent to, i'll listen to anything and everything :)

Im so sorry your feeling so much pain. I often feel this way but try to fight it somehow. It can be a challenge and exhausting at the same time. I made it through these holidays so far. It was very overwhelming for me to put up mask and be around family and friends. Just trying to make the best of today. I often feel so tired of doing it cause life seems so darn hard to do for us who suffer with depression. Just know your not alone and God bless you and help you through this.