So I am not working with the "academic coach" anymore in the online job. I did say something to my boss. Still, I don't think teaching is a good fit for me anymore. I took a day off from everything and just chilled. Because I was unemployed/underemployed for so long I had to get to the bank and pay off overdrafts, I paid off about 300 yesterday, still 500 to go-they are the only creditor who will not work with me. My credit card and phone company worked out a payment plan, but the bank will not. I am in the process of rescuing my credit. It used to be really good and went down about 200 points. I'm trying to keep it from plummeting to extremely low, that is a very bad outcome. I paid some back rent in addition to September's rent, there is so much to pay for-the consequences of not finding a job after graduation are just immense.

I'm going to just suck it up and keep doing the job because it is paying the bills currently. Still, it's hard to ignore the overwhelming tension that I felt this afternoon, I felt this anger coming out of nowhere and I could not pinpoint it. It was anger over having to be somewhere I did not want to be tomorrow. I guess this is what they call sunday scaries. The fact that it's virtual doesn't change anything. I'm paired with a different teacher who is acclimating me to the role, she's nice, but the way she talks to me it's like someone is teaching me how to brush my teeth or use a fork and knife, it's very insulting. For years, I did my job entirely on my own; I only was evaluated like once, maybe twice a year and that was it. I can feel myself seething being questioned about the tiniest of things. Still, I was paid for an entire month and it was pretty good, I was able to cover the outrageous overdrafts which I have never had before. I'm in financial damage control mode-that's all this job is.

For the first time in maybe six months I was able to get a few work blouses, take care of my nails and just basic things, clean my car. It has been very demoralizing living in grinding poverty. My clothes have become worn and frankly I've gotten hungry. I guess I can live with not liking this job for now. I still want to pursue my future goals. I will never understand for the life of me why my master's produced no outcome. I see all over the internet that entry level jobs are disappearing. After I resolve some debits and resolve what is going on with my health, my plan is to study for the Comp TIA help desk cert-I think that is more doable than what I was trying to do in the technology field. It certainly is not what I studied for, but it is one path, and there are viable career paths from there. I've put off socializing, going out, meetups, all that, to save money, I've stayed home  a lot. I took one day off from all of these yesterday, got a few blouses, just chilled, that was all. It made a lot of difference just having a couple hundred dollars to replace some worn items and fix my nails. I have felt so self conscious not being able to keep up with my appearance, I have not felt like myself. I think tommorrow when I go back to work I will just remind myself that it is just simply paying the bills, I don't have to care for it.