I've been going to this support group for quite some time.  Sometimes it's a match and sometimes it's not.  They kind of have a specific way of doing things, which I guess is ok to a point. One of the things they really emphasize is staying on topic, not rambing and getting into a story, and I really get that because I know what it's like to be on the receiving end of that and I have driven people off by being that annoying person who goes on.

I mostly have gotten it under control and do get more to the point these days.  Sometimes it seems that I just can't do it though.  During the holidays I tend to get very anxious and emotional, and when that happens, I start to ramble. Not a great thing but it happens.  The groups have life coaches, some of them better than others. The one that happned yesterday was peer led.  I like the woman who leads it and feel comfortable with her, so I choose to go there. It is over zoom.  There is one woman however who I really don't care for who shows up sometimes.  Apparently she is one of their coaches. She is not listed on the official website. Most of these coaches I like and some I avoid. I really don't remember her. She claims that I used to come to her coaching calls, and TBH my memory is really faint and I think it was like a decade ago.

At any rate the s*it hit the fan lastinight. I was getting anxious because Christmas is around the corner and I still did not know what I am doing.  Every year my anxiety really spikes due to this.  In addition, my dad is a severe drinker, we don't know when he is sober and so this makes it scary and unpredictable.  Also my brother is explosive and abusive. It's a bad situation.  Bad things have happened on holidays and I get pretty dysregulated when this time comes around.

Anyway my point of going on the call lastnight was to try to ground myself before calling my mom to see what is up. I am really scared that she could pass soon and there is so much layered into this.  For several years, at the behest of this support group, I was no contact with them (which was a very good thing)  I've decided that at this late stage of my parents' life this is the last time that I have with them, dysfunctional or not.  And, to be real, I also have nothing else going on.

I was explaining this, I brought this up, most of it.  Yes I did get off topic a bit, I talked about being scared of my dad's drinking and my brother's explosiveness, and then I refered back to the reading that was done at the beginning for reflection, which was about lowering expectations over the holiday, including gift giving, and then I veered off onto how I tried to create 'chosen family' traditions with other people in years' past, but that it was not appreciated. I was going to wrap it up there, and I did feel that there was a through line between the topics-that both my actual family and chosen families' were pretty dysfunctional and that I had sunk a lot of time and energy into people who not only did not give back but were actually harmful.

I never got to that point. This 'life coach' who was an attendee, in my opinion I just have not cared for her when I've seen her around. She's come across as condescending and dismissive, and I don't like it.  As I was getting to the part where I said I felt unappreciated and that I was wasting my time trying to create a good holiday, she kind of snapped at me. She just cut me right off and said, "You were talking about your family and then you started talking about other things. You need to just stick to talking about your family."  It struck me as being very abrasive and rude. Normally I would oblige but last night I was not in any mood.  So basically an argument ensued. I was really angry.  

I said, "I hardly know you."

She claps back at me and insists, "Yes, you do know me! You came on to my calls years ago!"  (I really didnt' remember her) I explained to her that we hadn't built up any rapport or relationship for her to be talking to me like this. After all I would have to know you and trust you to listen to what you are saying or give you some kind of authority.

The facilitator went on to explain that she was one of the life coaches and that obviously being interrupted struck a nerve with me. By this time I was really emotional, I started crying and said to her, "No, you don't really know me that well!  And I don't feel respected or cared about by you at all."  I then told her that if I knew she was holding a call I would not go to it. That is harsh but it's the truth. In this group they try to get you to tell your truth, and yeah that is a lot of truth. They advise you not to lie, and it sure would have been lying if I stayed on and pretended to like and agree with her.  I obviously can't go back there now. 

They asked me if I was going to stay and I didn't.  I don't think I will be going back, which is too bad because I like the facilitator and the group, but everyone there is much older than me and that is another thing I get tired of-older people throwing their weight around.  Yeah I probably do need to stop rambling, etc, but sometimes I'm just under so much pressure it's hard for me not to do. I want to interact with people that I know and respect.  I just wasn't feeling this woman.  It's too bad becuase this group has helped me through a lot this year, with job loss, car troubles and losing my friend group. I just don't have a relationship with this woman.